I need help...

[Wild Flower]

The past few weeks, perhaps months, I been dreading living life since I am trap with a career I cannot get away from, since I didn't sign up for it (reclass in military from factors outside of my control, into a job I hate). I am trap with it for the next 3 years. I see the next 3 years of my life as a waste of my life... since  it will be... I am living a life just to survive, and I'll never get out of that mode it seems. I am envious of females most of all, since they get to live a life I want to live. And, I am envious of masculine women which is odd to say, but it's because they have the body to live the way I would want to live, and so I guess I see them as lucky. **even though I hate my job, I think I will have to do 20 years just because the pension will get me out of the rat race in my 40s, which will make it all worth it**

I know many transsexuals go through this, and I am not unique in any kind of way. I just feel like my time will past...

And I am so afraid of my family finding out anything about sexuality/sexual orientation/and all that, that I can't live an adult life. I have no true friends because of this, just so there's no one to tell them. I force myself to do things just to look straight, and it's exhausting after a while.

I could make this thread forever... and my family is my biggest obstacle. If I were to come out, transition, and all that.... I'll feel like a joke when I am with my family, because I am ashamed of what I am. I feel like being a transgender woman is a freak of nature, a joke, kind of comical ((I am sorry if that offends anyone... but it's what I think, even though I don't want to think that way)). But I see being a woman as being powerful, and so it's not the fear about being a woman that gets me, it's the man in a dress.

I am not happy at all. I don't know what to do really, since I don't have the money to transition successfully ((I tried spiro when I was 16... till about 18... quit since then)). I won't have any chance of finding a boyfriend for at least for a while... and I want one so bad, since I feel so alone right now. But I want to be happy without a boyfriend. I feel so ugly ((even though I am not;;; but I don't like what the mirror show me, but I do the best I can with it)). I don't like anything about my life, and I am just growing older. 

[Esther79]

Similar to you, I am trapped in a job that i used to like but over the years things had changed and currently hated it but had to do it for the sake of funding my transition, had to do it for another yr or so. My family is also my largest obstacle, probably i will be forced to move out when the time comes.

Since I had decided to transit 2 yrs plus ago and gotten my GID letter from my doc. I am still in my guy mode. I had used the 2 yrs to do the following;
1) almost complete facial hair electrolysis
2) low dose of HRT for the 1st yr and transitional dose for the current year
3) start a small biz with the intention of funding my life after "coming out"
4) clear down my debts
5) build up a small investment portfolio

My peronal advise for u is that since u are going to be trapped in a job for the next 3 yrs , why not slowly and carefully use the time to set yourself up for the future, laying the foundations for your future transition. So when the time comes, things are already in place, you will probably move much faster then.

[Alice Rogers]

*hugs* to both of you, those are tough situations to be in. Flower, you realise that there is no reason at all you can't approach a therapist about your dysphoria before you start to make any physical or public changes right? You could make very positive steps in your transition or investigating what you need to do for your transition without anyone finding out!

It IS exhausting, I used to be so drained from a day presenting as male, you are not a freak, you are an anomaly, a natural but rare occurrence.

As for the comical aspect that is society talking, drag acts and joke cross dressers on TV and in movies hurt our cause and hurt public perceptions of transgenders every day but that is all it is...perception.

Are you so sure your family will not accept you? Not one of them? Perhaps there is someone you can trust with this, you will be surprised how good it feels to be 'out' to a loved one or someone you trust.

Alice
xx

[Wild Flower]

Thank you...

No. My family would never accept it... maybe tolerate it. I was just thinking all day... and I imagine they aren't stupid.... but I wonder if they suspect that I am lgbt (they might not guess trans... but I doubt it). When I was very young, I use to put on girly things on and play with Barbies, and when I was older I grew miserable (especially around 12+), and then when I was a teenager I tried growing my hair long (and then my mother made me cut it off; she was losing her cookies about my hair too). I grew it out again, but I kept cutting it off for my family. My job requires it to be short... so it's not getting to me.

I am going to try to do best with the time I do have... but I look at myself in the mirror and I just see an ugly guy looking back at me (I'm visiting my family, so I stop doing the little things that made me felt prettier when I am at work). I am so feminine to the bone, that it's just painful to pretend, pretend, and pretend. 

It's hard to make them understand, since they want me to be a man (a straight normal man), since that's the way I was brought up. It's a cultural thing too.

[helen2010]

You are both in a difficult spot.  However you still have options.  You could change jobs, you could start working with a gender therapist, you could start the long process of hair removal and you could find a support group to reduce your sense of isolation.

Some of us were caught in similar situations.  I spent 10 years in the military and then a further 30 years in a variety of alpha male roles as father, husband, brother, son etc.  What I now I realise is that the bars of my cage were an illusion.  I felt like I could not do anything, that I needed to continue as a male.  Whether I was scared of losing my family, facing ridicule or even contempt really does not matter.

The reason it doesn't matter is that you have one life.  You get to decide how you are going to live this life, how you will express yourself and how you will achieve the life you seek.  It is easy to play the victim and to feel disempowered, but then you will find yourself at 50 with the same fears and 30 less years to be the person you dream of becoming.

This is a project and it is a journey.  One step at a time is all that it takes.  I thought that my wife, son, daughter, father, friends and clients would disown me, they haven't.  My biggest challenge was overcoming my fear.  Once I knew who I was, I could no longer hide it.  I needed to tell folk who I am, I needed an authentic relationship with them and with myself.

Society is changing quickly and is now far more accepting than it once was.  Think of how you might move forward, then take that first step.

Safe travels

Aisla