Hello there, first of all I'd like to say I'm a new member to this page. I've joined this forum with the hopes some of you can help guide me into a better understanding of what's been happening to me since I was little. To start off I'm a 24 year old male feminist atheist that has always struggled with gender identity.
It all started when I was around 4-5 years old. I had this recurring dream in which a Witch asked me for a spell to use on me. Now, most kids my age would ask to gain superpowers or to be able to use magic. Of course that stuff tempted me a lot, but I always asked her one thing, "Can you turn me into a girl?". And she did. The time that i spent as a girl in my dream was very short. I usually woke up the minute I tried to feel my new body parts.
The dreams stopped around age 7, but I constantly thought about becoming a woman. I'd look at fashion magazines my grandma kept in her attic, and I would gaze at the beauty of the women in the pictures, course, now I know that most is photoshop and editing. But during that time I would wish so hard to become one of them. I spent hours begging god to help me. The years went by and when I had my first wet dream, two things ocurred. while I did have a "normal" male wet dream involving a girl from my class and me having sex, the event prior to it were me transforming into a beautiful woman. Growing breasts, feeling my vagina, my new smooth skin, and wearing sexy underwear.
Soon after, all the girls started developing and I envied them so. I gotta admit I stole their make up once or twice, and felt horrible about it. Not about using the make up, but stealing. Wearing the lip gloss and eye liner made me feel good. I sometimes did play with myself and pretended I was a sexy woman trying to get other women to like me.
I went through depression in high school, attempted suicide and basically had no friends. I had a girlfriend and she was really mean to me, so that led me to depression. Soon after, I had a boyfriend, whom I really enjoyed. (I enjoyed pretending I was a girl dating a boy) But it didn't work because according to him I acted too female. But I've always preferred women. But lately my fantasies have involved me being a woman, and having sex as a woman. Sometimes with men, sometimes with women. But It feels awesome. I've had heterosexual sex (feels great for me) but I always wonder how it feels for her. I long to feel how it is to be a woman. I love the whole deal. I want the boobs, I'd love a vagina, and above all, I feel more comfortable in women's clothing than mens. My interior gender is pretty neutral. I don't particularily act one way or another. But if I'd have to say, I feel more female than male. I'm an avid feminist and most men are ->-bleeped-<-s to women, and I've seen how mysoginist they are. So I identify more with women than men. Not trying to offend any ftm guys whatsoever. It's just been my main experience that most men are jerks and I don't want to identify as one.
To end this long story, I've been struggling with gender and sexual identity all my life. If a fairy or demon or whatever existed and popped up, I'd ask it to turn me.
I tried counseling but honestly they haven't helped me at all. While I like my own body, meaning I don't suffer major dysphoria, I think I prefer a female body.
What do you guys think?
Thanks!
