So me and my wife finally separated.....

[Eyie]

Hey everybody,
I haven't been around in awhile, (not like I'm even really known here yet lol) mainly I guess because of everything going on with my soon to be ex wife and being in a very dark place the majority of the time. I came out to my wife alittle over 2 months ago and it has just been nothing but a constant struggle jumping back and forth all over the spectrum of how things can be. Long story short the final descision to leave was actually my own. I just felt that we were doing more harm then good to each other and we have two young boys 4 and 1 so have to think about the environment for them to of course. I really just came to a point that I don't think I can figure out what I really want with anything and everything as long as I remained with my wife. I moved back in to my mothers for now the day before yesterday and have still very much still been struggling with the descision but I think I have at least come to terms with having to stick by this for now. I just feel we will never be able to move forward whether we end up together one day or not. I don't know what I'm trying to get out of telling you all this just felt the need to share and vent I guess. You all will prolly be seeing even more and more of me in the comings months. Uhhhh I don't really now how to end my little rant so bye for now I guess lol.

[Jessica Merriman]

You don't give yourself enough credit as I was wondering where you were!

I am so sorry to hear this.  Just take things slow and maybe the space will allow you both to consider what is happening without interruptions. Time away might make you two realize how much you care for each other and you both can find a way to make this work. I know how hard it is losing my own 16 year marriage, but Dysphoria was causing too much resentment for me not to act on transitioning. I began to see her not as my spouse, but a road block to being me. I really hope you two can find some common ground that benefits you both. If not please stay friends for your kids sakes. 

[michelle82]

Sorry to hear the news. Im also going through a separation although I'm not married i do have a child so i know how you feel.  Don't give up hope because who knows what ultimately will happen. My ex and i tried working through my gender problems for the last 5 years but it just didn't work out.

It does suck for the kids but its definitely better for kids if both parents are happy and separated rather than together and miserable.

[angie]

I to am having trouble with my wife and am struggling with leaving of staying, we fight every day and know that I have told her that I was trans   I fell like she didn't look at me the same!  It's funny how if they suspect  it but don't really know its ok but as soon as its out in the open its a hole new game, she has had pain problems for about 4 years and takes pain pills for the pain and I have been their for her even taking control of them so she doesn't over do it! But my problem is much worse and she didn't marry a girl. I just don't know what to think anymore

[Alice Rogers]

This is probably one of the most difficult times a trans can face. Having a marriage/relationship break down because of being transgender is hard on everyone involved.  I was lucky that I managed to keep things polite with my ex (even though I detest her!) but the most important thing was and still is to love my kids. It has been 7 years since we separated now and through a supreme act of will I have kept her thinking I can get along with her, all for the sake of the kids.

I look back on that time now and I know our marriage was doomed for many other reasons too, it is just convenient to blame my dysphoria.

I to am having trouble with my wife and am struggling with leaving of staying, we fight every day and know that I have told her that I was trans   I fell like she didn't look at me the same!  It's funny how if they suspect  it but don't really know its ok but as soon as its out in the open its a hole new game, she has had pain problems for about 4 years and takes pain pills for the pain and I have been their for her even taking control of them so she doesn't over do it! But my problem is much worse and she didn't marry a girl. I just don't know what to think anymore

If she still loves you and can come to terms with your gender then there is hope for you hun. But if you know she will never accept it and you know you have to transition then it is easier and better for everyone if you find a peaceful way to go your separate ways.

There are plenty of good sound examples of marriages working after a transition and even more of coupels that remain good friends.

I wish you all the luck in the world lokoing for the balance that works for you. Angie AND Eyie.

Alice
xx

[Eyie]

Thank you all for the kind words it really helped me to feel that what I am doing is right and now after almost a week I know for sure that I am set it this descision. Michelle and Angie I feel for you and hope to hear good news of your progress as well and Jessica it felt great to remembered girl lol. You were one of the first people on this site I remember noticing and I believe you commented on my intro as well. I guess next step now is to get me going on some hormones! I know that's supposed to take awhile but I can't wait!!! Anyways thank you all again, I'll keep you posted.

[BreezyB]

I'm really sorry to hear about your separation. The main thing is that you look after yourself and the children through this difficult time. Just know that it does get easier. Take care,

Hugs,
Bree

[helen2010]

Eyie

This is sad but this will give you both some space to consider how best to move forward.  The marriage may work out or it may not.  Both of you have a lot to process and to consider.  Being respectful and supportive of each other will make the next few months a lot easier.  While you may not remain married you will remain parents to your 2 young boys.  If you can remain friends during your transition and remain committed to your children then it sounds like a pretty good outcome.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Jessika]

My wife and I had starting talking more and more over the last few days. She always knew something was up with me, the dressing ect. I finally told her I wanted to see a therapist and you can guess what started hitting the fan.
Yesterday and today she just gave me a lot of "What if's" and she seems genuinely worried. We have been married for 21 yrs, No Kids and she is older than me. (She doesn't look older as she is Asian)and she fears of the future alone. She watched http://www.doctoroz.com/episode/transgender-families-when-my-husband-became-woman?video_id=1848088453001 last night and is trying to understand this "condition".
She always thought I was just having "moments" and "Fantasies".

It does really bother me that she seems so hurt by this and it's eating me up. I want to just turn it off if I could to make her not worry and to keep her happy.
She wants us to be "normal" like we were. This is difficult. She is afraid I will leave her and her future will plummet. I will always love her and I told her "No matter what", I just hope and wish she will be there to support me in my times of need since that time just started.

Jess

EDIT: Eyie, Sorry for your troubles and I apologize I didn't start my own thread. I did not mean to try and hijack yours.
I wish you the best.

*hugs*

[helen2010]

Jessika

Not wishing to hijack Eyie's thread but give your wife support.  Don't make promises that you cannot keep and be as honest as you can.  Once the dysphoria dragon rears its head, it needs to be addressed.  With love, good fortune, a shared vision and commitment your relationship still has a good chance of survival.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Eyie]

I by no means feel "hijacked" lol. I honestly could not feel more for you Jessika having been exactly where you are only a few months back and even really still being there myself even with the recent separation. All I can say is it's gonna be a struggle and it sucks but you will figure out what is best for both yourself and your wife. I don't really think there is any advice to give really besides what Aisla said and that's just simply be as honest as you can about absolutely everything even if you feel it may hurt her more in some ways. I wish you all the luck in the world i truly do and remember that either way things will start to get better I promise you that. Keep us posted!

[Fifi33]

Well bravo for the bravery! Mature and wise from my viewpoint.. She is hurt, and it is much more complex and realistic than my comment and your post I understand. You are both raising two young children, in a time where many complexites are relevent. The world.. Coming to terms with yourself, to me seems to be responsible.. Imagine down the road.. You have an opportunity to become the best you, create a healthy relationship with your wife.. Providing time and space to have her at minimum respect your self proclaimed true self.. If done with better intention.. While educating your children to an aspect of the world they will soon personally meet. Snowball effect.. Not to explain it ALL! This creates many more connections to her parents, your parents, other family... friends.. community.. the world.. If you can keep peace within your circle.. maintain what ever tranquility remains.. Holidays and birthdays (if you are "traditional") will be much more pleasent.. Even the small talk and long conversations amongst those within your circle.. Everything matters.. Be patient with them and yourself.. Continue to educate self.. Meh had more insight.. But cha...

Much Love 

[warlockmaker]

I had these fears and was totally blown away when my present wife, number 3, gave me her unqualified support. So I went to my first wife that I have know since high school, and from her, I received a dose of reality that it was not going to be support from her. I know my 2nd will never give her support so i did not bother. Forget those that cannot accept you for what you are and be thankful for those that support you.

[Kamiki]

I applaud your strength.

I was blessed enough to tell my spouse 3 weeks into us dating to which she said, "Hell yes!"

I was shocked but I cannot in words state how much her support has meant to me. I can imagine how hard it would be without it and my heat goes out to you.

Kami