I either need to detransition or go all the way. how do I know which?

[Zoidberg]

I'm glad antianxiety meds have worked to ease your dysphoria. However, that was not my experience. I have attempted using antianxiety meds, antidepressants, hormonal birth control to see if it was a simple hormonal imbalance as you suggested earlier, even antipsychotics, but none of those worked. T was not my first choice, as I know it's a serious decision. I've sought a differential diagnosis plenty of times and its pretty clear that this is about my gender in some way.
What I'm looking for is advice on ways to safely explore my gender identity and relationship with my body in conjunction with my therapy. If you have any ideas of how to do this I'd greatly appreciate them.

[EchelonHunt]

Exploring one's gender identity and relationship with one's body can be helpful.

Try having "female" days where you are dressed in a feminine manner, envisioning yourself as a female inside your mind and have others refer you with female pronouns, interact with you as if you are female, etc. Have "male" days where you dress masculine, envisioning yourself as male and have others refer you with male pronouns, interact with you as if you are male and having "neutral" days where you are dressing in a gender-neutral manner, envisioning yourself as a neutral gender, have others refer you with neutral pronouns, interact with you as if you are a person, rather than male/female.

Carefully examine your emotional responses and feelings growing within you on of these days, maybe even diary your thoughts. If you feel inclined to, you can even do a mixture of both binaries or a binary combined with neutral (e.g. female & male, male/female & neutral) I have experimented with make-up in the past and have found I am most comfortable being a mix of male and neutral with feminine traits but not necessarily female.

[Bunter]

Some more ideas-
in the past, there was the concept of an every day test (English word?) where during therapy you had a given time, like one or two years, during which you were free to experiment and see how you felt. It's not the worst idea if someone is not sure how to proceed.

Like was suggested, you could set boundaries in which you explore stuff. A male day, a female day, a genderqueer day etc. Make sure to have "genderfree" days a lot too. You really need breaks in between all that obsessing ;-) we all do the obsessing, but it shouldn't overwhelm you.
Talk to an endocrinologist about your hormone dosage. Maybe also to a gynecologist. It's a bit of a challenge to find open-minded and experienced doctors and therapists, but hang in there. I searched for almost a year, but now I have a good team.

And really make sure that you have nice experiences in other areas, and take good care of yourself (regular food, sleep, free time, sport etc).
Just avoid situations that trigger dysphoria. If looking in the mirror makes you feel bad, don't look in the mirror and so on. Don't get OCD-ish with that though, just try do it naturally, as you would not wear your tightest trousers just after christmas ^^

[Nevara]

I kind of feel the same way... I need to either stop E and my anti-androgen or go all the way with FFS and SRS... I just can't stand being in between. Maybe that's your problem too? You want to be part of the binary, not something in between. I think it's normal when we've been socialized all our lives with "male" and "female" and a clear distinct line between the two. The thought of breaking this mold and constantly drawing attention to myself scares me and makes me uneasy. It's not something I want to deal with.

It's weird. I love the development I've had on HRT as well; I love becoming more feminine, but at the same it's incredibly disturbing to me to see myself as somewhere in between male and female. It's strange to feel excited and happy I'm growing breasts and at the same time freaked out and scared. Looking back at pictures even a few months ago I see myself and I can say "that's a pretty attractive guy, I'd totally date him." At the same time I WANT to be a woman. I want to take this all the way -- have a female body, a female face and of course female genitals, but getting "stuck" somewhere in between -- not quite female, not quite male, not quite passable as a woman, kinda awkward looking as a guy -- freaks me out a lot.

I don't know if your fear is the same as mine, but for me its a fear that I'll be stuck in this awkward transition stage forever. I fear I'll never get over the hill to achieve womanhood so I should just stop and take the manhood I have now and deal with the dysphoria as it come. I guess in a way, I rank being a man as worse than being a woman but still better than being in between genders.