Dating

[Lostkitten]

Not sure if this is the correct to post this, I hope so D: but I got a question!

I got the feeling I am pass-able and playing around on Tinder I get plenty positive responses as well. Thing is.. eventually you got a nice conversation going and someone wants to meet up. I would also like this but I know my voice isn't passible and.. yea..

Just curious how do you all do it with dating, or how did you start out with it? Eventually I would just like to give someone a first impression before I would even bother tell them, but now I don't think I can date without telling someone first. What should I do DX?

[Jaime R D]

With the way people are, I would always make sure they knew first. others will disagree. Its really something you have to decide for yourself in the end and what risks you are willing to take.

Me, I don't date because I don't want to tell someone and I wouldn't feel right dating someone without them knowing. Just seems like as soon as someone finds out I'm trans, there is a difference in how they are towards me, it may be subtle, but its there.

[sam79]

One of the additional challenges while transitioning...

A while ago I tried to get back into dating too. But I found myself feeling rather stressed over it. It's hard enough to transition alone, without the stresses of having to worry about someone else, especially if they're not aware of the massive journey you're on.

It didn't take long before I decided to let that be and really focus on me. Which is what transition is all about. I just feel like I owe it to another to be in a settled state where they could come first.

I really admire those who transition while married or involved with another, it's something I tried,but the relationship fell apart quickly after I started.

[androgynouspainter26]

Ahhh, there's a problem I'm well aware of.  Since transitioning, I've been pretty much perpetually single...doesn't help if you like girls either.

[stephaniec]

what's this thing you call dating ?

[Alexis2107]

Not sure if this is the correct to post this, I hope so D: but I got a question!

I got the feeling I am pass-able and playing around on Tinder I get plenty positive responses as well. Thing is.. eventually you got a nice conversation going and someone wants to meet up. I would also like this but I know my voice isn't passible and.. yea..

Just curious how do you all do it with dating, or how did you start out with it? Eventually I would just like to give someone a first impression before I would even bother tell them, but now I don't think I can date without telling someone first. What should I do DX?

I met my boyfriend online and not exactly yet together offline, but it's coming.  We are looking for a place to live at the moment and uhhhhg I hate looking and moving...  in his state it's a hella lot more expensive than where I live and I can't believe how much difference is. 

I would use online resources, you're a cute woman and I'd not think you have much of a problem finding that special guy (or woman).  Just be careful going out alone, you're a woman now and I've read some pretty bad stories from TG's going out by themselves presenting as a woman -- take a few girl friends with you when you go out to clubs or what not.  Stay safe and stay happy

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

Hi,


I implore you to tell men early in the conversation and well before meeting them. There's no need to reveal it on your profile. (If you tell people in your profile you will get a much different kind of response).


I've been dating since shortly after I went full time, a year and a half ago. I've gone out with eleven different men in that time. I would say that for around 1/3 or even more of the men I tell, my specialness is no impediment to dating. Over half of them still talk with me and consider dating. All have been polite when I've told them.

The only difference I can see is that my voice was passable by the time I dated. But I imagine that many men don't mind. And you will fix that voice as soon as possible.

Once you meet, follow all the rules that women follow with extra-observance. Meet in public places. Don't drink much. Watch your drink (I had mine drugged by a man who seemed trustworthy. I was fortune that I took only two drinks when I started feeling really weird). Don't go home or to a hotel room with a guy. I've done it. It was stupid. Alert your girlfriends of where you are and where you are going. Use a password with them to let them know you are safe, etc.

[Just Shelly]

Me, I don't date because I don't want to tell someone and I wouldn't feel right dating someone without them knowing. Just seems like as soon as someone finds out I'm trans, there is a difference in how they are towards me, it may be subtle, but its there.

This is why I am stealth!! Even at work I am fairly certain people would be accepting....hell maybe they already know. But I'm sure they don't, the reason being because of how I am treated....some of it is even degrading, but unfortunately comes with the territory. I have learned that woman just keep there mouth shut....though I'm not the best at it, so some of the men think I am opinionated otherwise known as a bitch!

As for men, why do I need to tell them, I don't tell everyone else.....yes if intimacy does pursue, I have learned my lesson that I will tell before this, but it is very hard to do!!

The only man I did inform came after much intimacy, yes it wasn't fair to him but not something I ever intended on. We were falling in love. Well seconds after I told him, it was over but...........he remains a friend, not much of a friend though, I'm now treated as just one of his buddies. Hell I guess I should be grateful....I lied to him. Well I'm done feeling guilty!!! I didn't pursue him...he liked a woman...and a woman is what he got and what he started to love. I also don't blame him....if I were a man I wouldn't want a woman with a penis either!!!

Dating sucks!!!! But I still try....why?  I don't know!!

[androgynouspainter26]

Shelly, if you think being called a bitch should somehow stop you from being opinionated, I feel really sad for you.  Any relationship, if not founded on trust and acceptance will inevitably fail.  And keeping something from someone this big-it's just not building a healthy realtionship.

[Just Shelly]

No it hasn't stop me....hence why some men at work think I'm a bitch! Women my age or even younger have had years of experience of being treated second class or in superior, I have found out, like many of them have, that its better to keep your mouth shut and let them think they know it all.....they already think that anyways! and for reference not too many men are like this....just the few bad apples.

So if I am to hear you right, a relationship can't be healthy unless I tell a person everything about my past! Wow I know there are things about my ex that I still don't know! Yes if a relationship does get more serious I completely agree.....but you have to be in my shoes to understand!! Please don't assume that I am some dishonest lying un-empathetic person.....I am quite the opposite and it kills me not to be up front with all people....but I want to live a normal life!!!

[Joanna Dark]

I don't know when to tell...with my BF he had his suspicions and plain didn't know as I was just starting on HRT and very andro. I told him. I slept over. On the couch. I woke up expecting him to never call again. But, tonight we had dinner with my entire family. So, it can, does and will work. Does he treat me different than other girkls?Maybe he used to...not so much anymore. But who cares? I am different. I won't lie I would lie if I could. Not with him. He's just the best. Yummy. But, other dudes....ummm....errr...i hope we get married...his mom wants us to so maybe we will?!

So, dating while trans (DWT) does work!

[androgynouspainter26]

Well, if that person is your ex...

But really.  I do understand.   Although this is coming from someone who probably won't ever have the option to NOT tell someone, won't ever pass, and hasn't ever been able to hold down a relationship because of it (and I concede that in the first few weeks, yeah passing is CRITICAL)

..listen, this is a huge part of being who you are.  This IS your normal.  And having a committed relationship, where you don't tell the person something this major about yourself?  It's just not healthy.  Hon, this isn't something to be ashamed of, or something that prevents you from having a "normal" life, whaever normal actually means.  Normal doesn't exist, normal is a self imposed standard.  What normal is for me is a LOT different from your normal, haha...but yeah.  If it's a committed relationship, pick someone who is accepting.  Would you really want to date a transpobic person?

[kaye]

Not attempting to date until after I've had SRS.

[Just Shelly]

Well, if that person is your ex...

But really.  I do understand.   Although this is coming from someone who probably won't ever have the option to NOT tell someone, won't ever pass, and hasn't ever been able to hold down a relationship because of it (and I concede that in the first few weeks, yeah passing is CRITICAL)

..listen, this is a huge part of being who you are.  This IS your normal.  And having a committed relationship, where you don't tell the person something this major about yourself?  It's just not healthy.  Hon, this isn't something to be ashamed of, or something that prevents you from having a "normal" life, whaever normal actually means.  Normal doesn't exist, normal is a self imposed standard.  What normal is for me is a LOT different from your normal, haha...but yeah.  If it's a committed relationship, pick someone who is accepting.  Would you really want to date a transpobic person?

I had a very similar attitude before I went FT and even after....my response would of been, YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM it wasn't until I started to attract attention that my opinion changed. I work with many men....some have made advances, I will never go out with them in fear of anyone knowing....though I have gone out for a few drinks with a few, just friends. I'm not ashamed of who I am, I am just a female co-worker. I am ashamed of them finding out my past though!! At work its a different story, I have my reasons not to accept invitatioins....it sucks but something I can live with.

But when a customer or someone else when out and about asks me out.....am I suppose to say well I'm trans. Bull->-bleeped-<-!! What if I was a biological woman born without a vagina....for which there are some. Do they say...well I have no vagina....yes eventually they will, but right upfront! Why!!

I have lived over 9 years with absolutely nothing!! not even holding hands with anyone. I have now been told by more than a few men that I am attractive....not sure what the hell they see!! But I finally do feel a little better about myself....I want to enjoy some of this life I have left. I want someone to get to know the real me before they no the past me!!

You know people don't walk around with signs on saying there accepting....this is something that needs to be found out. With my last relationship I thought he would be....I was wrong.

[Debussy]

also if you haven't had all your facial hair removed... and someone wants to meet you... EEK!!! I got too scared!

[androgynouspainter26]

But it's about respect.  If someone you are with doesn't respect your past, they do not respect you.  And I'm not exactly naive, even if I'm not as experienced as you are, I've been full time for three years short a few months.  And I'm not even attracted to men, so that shrinks the pool considerably.  Of course, you have NO OBLIGATION WHATSOEVER, nor do any of us to disclose right away.  But once the relationship begins to take off, yeah, I really think you should tell the guy.  Being alone sucks, I know that pretty damn well.  I havn't been kissed in three years, and everyone around me is dating-and I'm on a queer college campus for god's sake!  But you still shouldn't be with someone who does not respect you. 

[Blue Senpai]

As a person going in the other direction, dating is the last thing on my mind. I don't really believe it can happen and even if I did want a girlfriend, I'm practical enough to know that I shouldn't even consider the option until I get into a good place mentally, have a stable well paying job and further along my transition. Great for those that have a significant other but having a relationship wouldn't be good right now: I don't have money to spare for dates or gifts, I don't want my girlfriend paying for things I need and I don't want to burden anyone with my emotional baggage. My parents weren't kind enough to listen to my troubles so I can't expect strangers to.

It's all on me.

[Lady_Oracle]

I signed up to a few dating sites but haven't run into any issues. I'm a lesbian so it can be tough trying to find someone pre-op BUT so far my method has been working. What I do is I strike up a casual convo, exchange numbers or skype and get to know the person and I don't disclose I'm in transition until things start moving in the direction of actually dating. Since the way I see it there's no point in disclosing to strangers I've just met and potentially might just end up being friends or never talking to again, since I'm primarily looking for friends vs dating. However my voice is fully passable and so I pass 100%.

An example of a recent experience..I hit it off with this woman and she started flirting with me, we had an instant connection so things were moving a bit fast. So I disclosed to her over the phone, that way she could hear my voice and could make a better assessment of me, instead of telling her in a message. Since a lot of people have misconceptions of trans people yet I pass and have my voice and I'm far beyond the early stages of transition. Turns out she was very understanding and knowledgeable about trans stuff. So after all of that she was still really into me and we skyped and things just went on as they naturally would between two women. She didn't treat me any differently after I told her I was trans.

I will say these experiences have been stressful and I deleted one of my profiles because I hate having that disclosing conversation. It's emotionally draining and even though I haven't run into any problems yet its still tough on my mental state sometimes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm mentally stable its just that I hate feeling vulnerable to anyone, transition or not that's always been me. I'm very selective on who I open up to so that's why I'm just looking for friends and hope for the best. If a relationship does develop out of any of these friendships then awesome if not awesome too. I just want to establish bonds, have gfs I can go out with and can talk to about girl stuff since I disconnected from all of my old circles a long time ago. I prefer females friends vs guys friends, ironically though my only best friend is a guy.

[spooky]

You know, there are plenty of people out there who *prefer* to date trans folks.  There are a lot of places one can go--online and in person--to meet such people, and it's often not any less of a crapshoot due to the high number of creepy fetishists, but real people are out there.  I'm happily partnered with one of them.

[Isabelle]

This is a tricky one. There's no right answer and there's as many answers as there are people. In my version of "reality" I would avoid dating while trans but I can't help it.
(Little background, I'm 34, full time for almost 3 years(ish?) hrt for around  4? I'm not sure, I think I started right around the time I turned 29... After YEARS of being run around by the health system here)
I think dating depends on a few factors (please nobody attack me for any of my opinions, that's all they are, my interpretations of my experience viewed from my perspective, that's all. I'm aware of my "privilege" being white, middle class, educated blah blah, anyway.....

Do people assume you're cis, In person in broad daylight? Be honest with yourself. There are a few things that I noticed happened when I discovered I "passed"... Men will approach you when you're out, Ask for your number, want to dance with you, make conversation, try to kiss you, ask if they can see you again etc.
This is always very awkward for me because my policy is always a straight up "No"
Too much risk involved.
Keep in mind, most men don't murder trans women, but most trans women that are murdered, are murdered by men...
One thing I've always struggled with is, how to be intimate as a pre-operative transsexual woman. Sure there's things you can do but, depending on your particular feelings about your anatomy, intimacy is incredibly difficult, frustrating, triggering and often painful. Do you have a plan to cope with this when you're thinking of dating this person?
Are you hoping they "won't notice" while you're being intimate?

(Fun fact, I tried this once to test if I "truly passed" he "discovered" about 30 mins into us becoming intimate... Wasn't impressed but, wasn't the end of the world but, it did bring all festivities to an abrupt and early close... I was lucky (and drunk). I'd never do that again and I certainly wouldn't recommend it, I was f**cking terrified. He never spoke to me again)

This brings us to online dating...
I honestly believe, if you're pre-op, this is your safest, easiest option. You can put pictures of yourself, they contact you, you chat for a while as human beings. Then maybe you meet for coffee (during the day, in public...derp)
I'd recommend NOT letting them know prior to meeting in person. So you're first and formost, thought of as a person, not a medical condition with a scary, culturally loaded, name like "transsexualism"
After you've met, provided there was a "spark", let them know online, while you're safely away from them. Don't give them your phone number, tell them where you live or work before you both know each other a bit and are satisfied you're not going to be hurt/outed/etc (these are basic online safety rules for ANYONE online dating though.. Not just us)
I met my current partner this way. It's very early days (5 months) but, we get on. Things are good, he's ok and not a creepy fanboy ->-bleeped-<-, or a cross dresser trying to live vicariously through me. Dating while preop isn't great, it's complicated. Sex while preop isn't great, it's complicated. But, we're often viewed as complicated people by comparison so, depending on your local cultural norms, it will be this way for a while.

If you don't pass as cis (visually, physically, vocally etc) I don't really know what the options are because I never put myself in that situation but, I'd always go the online way, for safety.
Same as post-op.