After viewing this website for longer than I can remember, I have come to the conclusion that this a relaxed, informative space I would like to support and participate in.
The name I have chosen for myself that gives me a lot of comfort is Satyrane. I am a disabled college student pursuing a bachelor's degree in English. My original goal was to enter the publishing industry as an editor for fiction novels. However, I'm keeping my options open, and contemplating entering a master's program of some sort. While I have known I was trans male since I was 5, a variety of reasons have caused me to repress that.
First of all, even through my mother completely accepted me, she urged me to not transition because she wanted to protect me from transphobia, and felt that having me stay as a what appeared to be a heterosexual female would improve my quality of life.
Second, as I studied the DSM-IV, I felt that I could never medically transition. I'm attracted to men, and enjoy androgynous expression. Under the DSM-IV, I would not have been a good candidate for transition, and would instead probably be treated for transvestite fetishism or repressed lesbianism.
Thirdly, I grew up never seeing or interacting with trans men of any kind of variance of gender expression. They all seemed to be straight, masculine men with typical male interests. Compared to them, I felt like a freak.
With all these factors combined, I came to the conclusion by middle school that I just was a confused straight girl with penis envy and anime pretty boys on the brain. From then on, I tried to teach myself I was just a masculine woman. However, I could not kill the gnawing pain deep inside that said I was not who I was supposed to be.
In the last two years, I've suffered a crippling depression that almost ended in suicide. Among the cacophony of other sorrows and fears, my repressed gender came right up to the surface. I can no longer deal with the pain, and I don't believe I can fully recover from my prolonged illness without coming out. I will disclose my feelings to my therapist this Monday. I hope it will be the start of my transition.
I want to participate in Susan's Place because I have no access to the transgender community in my area due to transportation issues. It is important to me that I form strong relations with those like me because I have come to fear the transgender community. As an outsider looking in for years as a "straight cisgender ally," I have learned that the party line in the trans and GLB communities is "All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others." There is a demand for hegemony and assimilation that makes their cries of "tolerance and love" ring phony. The message I have received from the trans community is that not only am I not welcome because of my gender expression, disability, and religion, but my presence amongst them would undermine their fight for civil rights because I somehow confirm the negative stereotypes used against us.
I can't become the androgynous gay trans man I am without giving and receiving the support of the transgender community. I need to reach out, and learn to trust my fellow trans folk. Even now, I fear you'll read my story, and judge me for being the wrong kind of trans or not even believe I'm trans. I hope through this forum, I can become a better person, and be of use to you.
