Misgendering

[Mitchell the Deathbell]

Hey, everybody. I need some help, so any advice is welcome.

I need some advice on how to handle being misgendered. The thing is, I can't really blame everyone because:
1. Not everyone knows (or can take a hint) that I'm trans.
2. I don't exactly have the most masculine face, body, and voice, so I'm not read as male.

Everyone in my classes refer to me as female and it really bugs me. I'm really depressed to go to school because of this. I don't correct them because I'm afraid of what they'll think, or I don't want to make things awkward in class... maybe I shouldn't care what they think and just stand up for myself? I just can't seem to push myself to say something. I feel like everyone already has it engraved in their minds that I'm female and me saying something will just confuse everyone.

I just really want to avoid snapping and yelling at someone for misgendering me because lately I have not been a happy camper about this.

Thanks everybody in advance. [emoji4]

-Mitch

[LittleBoyBear]

Are you friendly with any of them? I've started by talking to the people I'm close with, and the fact that they are making an effort to treat me like a guy and use gender-neutral pronouns and the correct name has made it easier to not cringe when others I haven't talked to say "she". So, maybe that could help take the edge off?

[MoonKing]

I'm working on that exact problem right now myself. My best advise to you is to start slow by telling just a few people in your class you are friends with and then slowly work into telling the rest of your classmates. Your friends can then help you by correcting others when they misgender you. Maybe even tell your teacher and they can help you as well. It all depends on how open minded your classmates and teachers are.

[Ms Grace]

The majority of people won't take the hint that you're trans because for them you'd need to be fully presenting as male before they saw you as male. I'm not up with your situation but are you presenting as male at school, clothes, name and other things like hair, etc? If not then sorry to say but that's the likely root cause of the problem.

[Mitchell the Deathbell]

Are you friendly with any of them? I've started by talking to the people I'm close with, and the fact that they are making an effort to treat me like a guy and use gender-neutral pronouns and the correct name has made it easier to not cringe when others I haven't talked to say "she". So, maybe that could help take the edge off?

I'm a totally friendly person. I'm not disrespectful or anything. I do have a close friend in the class but I haven't told her I'm trans yet (out of fear). The other people I do speak to see me as a nice person since they continue to talk to me. That's a good sign then, huh?  Thank you!

[Mitchell the Deathbell]

I'm working on that exact problem right now myself. My best advise to you is to start slow by telling just a few people in your class you are friends with and then slowly work into telling the rest of your classmates. Your friends can then help you by correcting others when they misgender you. Maybe even tell your teacher and they can help you as well. It all depends on how open minded your classmates and teachers are.

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat as me. We can do it!
I was thinking of talking to my professor about it, but again, I didn't want anyone to feel weird about me and treat me different (in a bad way). Guess I won't know until I try. I'll give it my best shot, thanks for the advice!

[Mitchell the Deathbell]

The majority of people won't take the hint that you're trans because for them you'd need to be fully presenting as male before they saw you as male. I'm not up with your situation but are you presenting as male at school, clothes, name and other things like hair, etc? If not then sorry to say but that's the likely root cause of the problem.

That's very true.
I do present as male the best I can (I wear guy clothes, I walk/act like a guy, my hair is short, I even thicken my eyebrows, and put some shadow under my chin to give an illusion of stubble, lol.) I kinda look like a trouble-making teenager, hahaha. However I haven't been using my preferred name "Mitchell" because everyone uses my birth name (since it's the name I enrolled in school with) and I haven't legally changed it yet. I guess my last resort is to speak up and ask to be referred to as male. Being called by my birth name isn't as bad as being misgendered, to me. Thank you for your insight I really appreciate it.

[captains]

The majority of people won't take the hint that you're trans because for them you'd need to be fully presenting as male before they saw you as male. I'm not up with your situation but are you presenting as male at school, clothes, name and other things like hair, etc? If not then sorry to say but that's the likely root cause of the problem.

On this note!

I'm in a similar boat to Mitchell. This early stuff is pretty rough. And while I know that I do not and cannot pass as male, I'm sometimes surprised that in my very liberal, very LGBTQ+ friendly area, I'm never pegged as transmasculine. If that makes sense? Like, as someone with an awareness of trans issues, I'll sometimes encounter a person irl who is clearly mid/early transition, and then obviously, I'll make the effort to gender them appropriately. Being pegged as trans used to be my biggest fear, so I used to cultivate a more cisnormative presentation in order to circumnavigate that possibility. But as my desire to move forward with my transition grew, I've almost started to feel resentful that people can't "just tell." Sure, I don't pass, but surely I look like someone who is TRYING to pass, at least.

I feel absolutely ridiculous for hoping to get a "young man  wink wink we know what you are" over a polite and genuine "miss." And yet, here we are. Anyone else ever deal with feelings like this?

Mitchell, I wish I had advice. But know that I'm sending you solidarity vibes, man.

[AdamMLP]

Even if you pass entirely as male, if people aren't seeing anything which is very obviously cueing male, i.e. a beard, and you're introduced as female and by a female name, and do nothing to correct that, people aren't going to twig onto the fact that you were trans.  I've only ever had one person guess that I was trans, and I passed just as consistently as I do now, which is to say, no one I've met since coming out and changing my name knows I've ever been referred to as anything else in my life.  Even a trans woman at my work didn't twig why it was the I specifically asked to have a private chat with her until I came out with it.

The only way you're going to stop people misgendering you is, unfortunately, to come out.  My friend worked out that I was trans because she knew a fair bit about it anyway and is involved in LGBT stuff, and has been probably the second most supportive person in my life besides my girlfriend.  A few weeks before coming out to the remainder of my work cohort (200 people plus 50+ trainers) I came out to one or two other people that I trusted, and then we arranged with my manager that he would make an announcement for me in front of all of them, so they were all at the same page at once, and out of those 200 people I've only ever heard of issues with two people, and they didn't dare do it to my face.

It made so much difference to not have that constant feeling of being stabbed by an icicle every time someone misgendered or named me.  I didn't realise how much latent anger I had built up over it until it wasn't there anymore, and then it took a fair few weeks to get used to the calmer, nothing-angers-me-anymore, me, because I'd never experienced that before.  Yeah most of them have slipped up a few times since, but it didn't hurt so much when I knew they were all trying and getting it right at least 50% of the time, and gradually as time went on they've got it right more and more often.

[LittleBoyBear]

"The only way you're going to stop people misgendering you is, unfortunately, to come out."
^What he said.
I've noticed this trend with myself and a trans female I hang around with. People tend to NEED to identify you as male or female. So, for those of us blurring those lines, they search for the "correct" thing to say. I will occasionally be called "sir" in public, and most of the time the person apologizes and corrects themselves when they notice my breasts, or I speak, or whatever the heck is giving me away. They panic and apologize. I usually say something along the lines of "no apology necessary, I look this way because I like it." I guess the point I'm trying to make is that they may be doing it subconciously, or may be doing it because they're scared to offend you.
In the meantime, try talking to a few of them. If you don't present as male yet, try getting them to use gender-neutral pronouns in the meantime. If you haven't told people your prefered name, start there. That was my first step. I went around, first to friends, then co-workers, classmates, instructors, and told them I would really appreciate it if they tried to call me Bear. All but two people have made a sincere effort. You might be surprised by people's reactions, if you just talk to them about your feelings...

[Mitchell the Deathbell]

On this note!

I'm in a similar boat to Mitchell. This early stuff is pretty rough. And while I know that I do not and cannot pass as male, I'm sometimes surprised that in my very liberal, very LGBTQ+ friendly area, I'm never pegged as transmasculine. If that makes sense? Like, as someone with an awareness of trans issues, I'll sometimes encounter a person irl who is clearly mid/early transition, and then obviously, I'll make the effort to gender them appropriately. Being pegged as trans used to be my biggest fear, so I used to cultivate a more cisnormative presentation in order to circumnavigate that possibility. But as my desire to move forward with my transition grew, I've almost started to feel resentful that people can't "just tell." Sure, I don't pass, but surely I look like someone who is TRYING to pass, at least.

I feel absolutely ridiculous for hoping to get a "young man  wink wink we know what you are" over a polite and genuine "miss." And yet, here we are. Anyone else ever deal with feelings like this?

Mitchell, I wish I had advice. But know that I'm sending you solidarity vibes, man.

I get what you're feeling. What seems obvious to us just seems to go over some people's heads at times we can do this, man. And thanks for the support! Means a lot.

[Mitchell the Deathbell]

Even if you pass entirely as male, if people aren't seeing anything which is very obviously cueing male, i.e. a beard, and you're introduced as female and by a female name, and do nothing to correct that, people aren't going to twig onto the fact that you were trans.  I've only ever had one person guess that I was trans, and I passed just as consistently as I do now, which is to say, no one I've met since coming out and changing my name knows I've ever been referred to as anything else in my life.  Even a trans woman at my work didn't twig why it was the I specifically asked to have a private chat with her until I came out with it.

The only way you're going to stop people misgendering you is, unfortunately, to come out.  My friend worked out that I was trans because she knew a fair bit about it anyway and is involved in LGBT stuff, and has been probably the second most supportive person in my life besides my girlfriend.  A few weeks before coming out to the remainder of my work cohort (200 people plus 50+ trainers) I came out to one or two other people that I trusted, and then we arranged with my manager that he would make an announcement for me in front of all of them, so they were all at the same page at once, and out of those 200 people I've only ever heard of issues with two people, and they didn't dare do it to my face.

It made so much difference to not have that constant feeling of being stabbed by an icicle every time someone misgendered or named me.  I didn't realise how much latent anger I had built up over it until it wasn't there anymore, and then it took a fair few weeks to get used to the calmer, nothing-angers-me-anymore, me, because I'd never experienced that before.  Yeah most of them have slipped up a few times since, but it didn't hurt so much when I knew they were all trying and getting it right at least 50% of the time, and gradually as time went on they've got it right more and more often.

Ah the harsh truth, hahah. Coming out seems to be my only option now if I want to stop the misgendering.
Also, major kudos to you for having that announcement to over 200 people. It really does takes courage and self confidence. I'm inspired! I'm going to have to do something similar because telling a few students in a class won't be enough, I'll have to tell everyone so we're all on the same page.

Well... wish me luck! And thank you, you were very helpful.

[Brandon]

Yea you just got come out, but its going to be a problem if you don't pass welland it might take some to get it I know a trans woman at my school but because she physically appears and sounds still like male its hard to call her a she I got the name down but know I get were people are coming from.

[Mitchell the Deathbell]

Yea you just got come out, but its going to be a problem if you don't pass welland it might take some to get it I know a trans omnat my school but because she physically appears and sounds still like male its hard to call her a she I got the name down but know I get were people are coming from.

I feel like I pass pretty well for where I'm at right now, well at least I feel like I do. I've had numerous occasions where I've been read as male and not female (such a great feeling!) I do put a lot of effort into being seen as male. I bind, I wear masculine clothing, my posture is masculine, when I speak I try to use my lowest tone of voice possible (it ends up sounding pretty raspy). It will take time, especially because everyone is just used to calling me "she" and "her" but I'm just getting tired of letting it slide.
And I can understand that, though. If someone appears very masculine, but identifies as female, it may be hard to get the pronouns right because we go off of what we see a lot if not most of the time. The harsh truth...
Thanks for the help, too! Appreciate it, man. 

[Brandon]

I feel like I pass pretty well for where I'm at right now, well at least I feel like I do. I've had numerous occasions where I've been read as male and not female (such a great feeling!) I do put a lot of effort into being seen as male. I bind, I wear masculine clothing, my posture is masculine, when I speak I try to use my lowest tone of voice possible (it ends up sounding pretty raspy). It will take time, especially because everyone is just used to calling me "she" and "her" but I'm just getting tired of letting it slide.
And I can understand that, though. If someone appears very masculine, but identifies as female, it may be hard to get the pronouns right because we go off of what we see a lot if not most of the time. The harsh truth...
Thanks for the help, too! Appreciate it, man.

No problem man, and yea thats true. Just really try and get mannerisms down if you get thoes down it might help much more to.

[Dandy Dunker]

That is exactly why I don't like going to school. Most teachers gender me as F but there's one teacher that calls me sir and mr. and outside of school I get both. I feel like  in school gender is black and white in that environment and I feel that there is no movement or spectrum. Getting called F really makes me feel like my identity is not noticed but really it is people that just assume that everyone is cis unless you look like a "freak" which is obviously not true.

[Mitchell the Deathbell]

That is exactly why I don't like going to school. Most teachers gender me as F but there's one teacher that calls me sir and mr. and outside of school I get both. I feel like  in school gender is black and white in that environment and I feel that there is no movement or spectrum. Getting called F really makes me feel like my identity is not noticed but really it is people that just assume that everyone is cis unless you look like a "freak" which is obviously not true.

I understand where you're coming from. In school I experience what I'd like to call "The Spreading Effect" which is basically when one person refers to me as female (it's worst when a teacher does it in front of the whole class on the first day) to someone else, and then it spreads. Now everyone's calling me "she" because they heard it from somewhere else. Bleh. I'm gonna clear this up hopefully this week and come out to the people who keep misgendering me.
I hope things get better for you as well.

[Brandon]

That is exactly why I don't like going to school. Most teachers gender me as F but there's one teacher that calls me sir and mr. and outside of school I get both. I feel like  in school gender is black and white in that environment and I feel that there is no movement or spectrum. Getting called F really makes me feel like my identity is not noticed but really it is people that just assume that everyone is cis unless you look like a "freak" which is obviously not true.

Dude you gotta speak up teachers don't read minds thats what I did or talk to the counselor and have them email all the teachers. All my teachers refer to me as Brandon he him his, the whole administration at that, you can't get mad if someone doesn't know. A little word of advice if you haven't come out of course your idenity won't get noticed.