out coming out to my family

[angie]

need some advice on how to come out to my sister and parents, my wife of 14  years knows a little about it but I have still not considered fully to her that I want to go full time, I do need to tell my parents and sister everything at this time even though they live 800 miles away and I just don't know how to go about doing it, my dad has had severe head injuries and I'm not sure if he can take it or not has many problems going on and I don't want to be the one to push him over the edge, if I can come out to my mom and sister and they accept it will make it a lot easier if my wife does not, either way I have to tell all of them at some point especially my  wife, any suggestions on where to start and how?

[Jessica Merriman]

Oh sweetie, this is never an enviable position at all. First, just know it has to be done for your health and safety. I have been there myself and lost a lot (daughter, 16 year marriage, parents), but what I gained is so much more. As far as how other people take it, that is on them alone. If they handle it poorly that is their decision and nothing negative should be construed as your fault. Adults are responsible for themselves and how they process information. I would suggest in your case you tell your wife first (your primary in your life), sister second (she may help with your mother) and then Mom. I would leave it to them to gently break it to your father. This is only my opinion though. Some may have better advice. Just when you are with them DO NOT beat around the bush and just get it out. Not so much the clinical aspects, but what it means to your overall health both physical and mental. Good luck! 

[angie]

thanks for the advice I know my wife should be told everything first she has just made it clear that she wouldn't accept me as Angieand I am really scared to lose her cuz she is the love of my life but this is something I have to do for me so I just need to quit beating around the bush and let her know everything, what makes it even harder as she found out yesterday that one of her cousins husband is transitioning and she told me she doesn't think she could accept me that way she accepts that I like to be a female but she thinks its only sometimes she can't understand that I want to live it as a female all the time that's who I am, guess I have put up a good manly front my entire life will inside I was hurting and dreaming that someday I would have the courage to do what I need to do and with my 40th birthday coming in a little over a week I can't wait any longer I am in dire need of being happy with myself

[Rachel]

Jessica has some good advise.

Perhaps not overwhelming them with facts and end results and stating you are trans and transitioning. Then let the information sink in. They will ask questions.

Coming out to my wife was the hardest thing I ever did. So if you are not ready or if you do not have support (therapist) then please get support first.

[angie]

just had my first gender therapist pointment on friday, and have a nother 1 this coming friday and I was thinking of going a few times before I completely come out to my wife, at the same time I know that I am ready to get this thing rolling so I need to come out to her before much else can happen. this is tearing me apart because deep down I know that she is not going to accept me for who I really am, we talked a little bit about yesterday and she said she feels like she is losing her entire life, and I feel like my life is just getting ready to begin and I wish she would be a part of it

[caitlyn powers]

I agree with Jessica.  If you want to have any chance of her accepting you, you probably ought to tell her first, then your sister, mother, etc.  I imagine your therapst would have some good advice on how to break the news.

Good luck.  I know, from experience, that this is one of the hardest things to do.

Best,
Cate

[Ravensong]

I don't have any good advice on telling your wife, but on telling your mother and sisters, I have a few ideas.

Are/will you be able to tell them in person?  If so, that is the best way to do it.  Since you said they are 800 miles away, that may be a problem.

I have only told a few people not in person, so far, about me.  The way that has seemed the best for me (and I stress for me, as everybody is different, and I know others will disagree) was to write a letter, then as part of that letter, urge to call once read for answers to questions.  It worked well for my grandmother, as it gave her a chance to read, reread, and process it.  She called two days after she read it, and calmly asked the questions she had, and I answered.  It gave me the best result I could have expected from her since I was unable to tell her in person.

I started out with some anecdotes that she would be able to relate too, like the dress-up box she kept for my cousins, brother, and I when we were younger, to get her thinking about what might be happening.  Then I was blunt and told her.  The next bit was a combination of what being transgender actually is (I didn't know how much she knew, so I broke things down barney style as best I could) and what my status/progress was at that point.  I acknowledged the need for time to fully adjust, and that I hoped she would accept me as her granddaughter, at least in time.  I asked her to call several times throughout the letter to talk and have questions answered.

This is what worked for me.  It may or may not work for you, you decide.  You know your family.

Good Luck.

[Lauren1]

Here is my advice:

-Be prepared for the worst just in case
-Make sure you are in a good place yourself

My parents did not take it well! Thankfully I was in a good place at the time, so the drain it put on me (that inevitably brought me down) took me to a bad place. I can only imagine if I had told them when I was in a bad place where that would have gone.... I think you need to tell your wife first because you may need some support. That might require giving her time to handle it so she can be your support.

There's no easy way. Especially when they are 800 miles away and have no real cues. But after I told my mom I felt relief for 3 days until she called me to tell me all Hell had broken loose between me and my parents.

[ImagineKate]

 My wife initially did not take it well when I came out two weeks ago. But given time she is accepting. Maybe not fully just yet but she is. She's still weirded out like a few things such as me wearing feminine sleepwear to bed and she sleeps in a different bed for now. But give it time. It may work out or it may not. I too wanted to ask the therapist but she told me she would have said just go ahead and do it because there is really no good time and getting it out of the way is best. She may need therapy as well so be prepared for that.

[angie]

Thank you all for the kind words and support! I feel that she probably needs therapy too because she does not want to learn anything about it on her own, and always wants to fight about it when I give her any info,all she has to say when I tell her anything as her life is over and she's devastated