Dating

[Natalie]

I don't care if people know or they don't know. Sometimes I tell people just to engage their reaction to what I am saying. I do that [tell random people I am a transsexual woman] with people I meet and establish rapport with. Maybe a couple days and BAM I randomly say it out of nowhere.

[Isabelle]

Like i said. As many answers as there are people. Personally, I view my medical history as private. I don't think people want or need to hear about it anymore than I want or need to hear about theirs. If you want to wear a shirt that says "I had my appendix removed!" That's cool too.

[Natalie]

Like i said. As many answers as there are people. Personally, I view my medical history as private. I don't think people want or need to hear about it anymore than I want or need to hear about theirs. If you want to wear a shirt that says "I had my appendix removed!" That's cool too.

When I tell them I am a transsexual I am not giving random intimate details on how my tumor was dissected. The only "medical" problem I had was that abnormal cellular mass attached to my crotch like a parasite that leeches onto its host.

[Isabelle]

Your coping strategy is correct for you, just as mine is for me.

[ImagineKate]

You know, there are plenty of people out there who *prefer* to date trans folks.  There are a lot of places one can go--online and in person--to meet such people, and it's often not any less of a crapshoot due to the high number of creepy fetishists, but real people are out there.  I'm happily partnered with one of them.

I think some of those who are stealth don't want to date these kind of people. They feel it makes them less of their affirmed gender. They really just want a cis person of the gender that their orientation dictates.

As for lying or lying by omission I would say that you don't go telling on the first date but at some point soon in the relationship if it gets serious you absolutely need to tell. To me there's not even a choice in the matter. I'm having a hard enough time with my wife who is now depressed because she married a woman (her words). I wish I was up front, less hurt feelings all around and I could have transitioned a lot sooner.

[Lostkitten]

Thank you for all the responses.

Unfortunately I cannot first date and tell them after. My voice surely isn't passable and I know my appearance brings up questions. I get ma'amed often but at other moments people say sir (hate that ._.). Pass-able wise my height is my biggest obstacle next of my voice I think. I do not think height depends on being pass-able but when with someone and they start doubting, then it surely becomes an obstacle.

It is awful to hear some were badly treated in a hotel or even by putting anything in their drinks, what is up with people?! Anyhow beside it all I think for now I will just tell one another after a few conversations. I just don't know how I could cope to meet hem in person and they straight away would see trough. Neither am I looking for someone who prefers transgenders. Each their own but whenever I tell someone and they tell me they love transgenders even more or that they been looking for a transgender.. ugh.. grosses me out. I see being transgender as a bit of a handicap. I was born in a way I didn't want to get born and with medicines and surgery it can be be helped. Maybe I am very black and white with it but feeling wise I can compare it with looking for someone in a wheelchair because you like that more, for what ever kind of weird reason =/.

[Just Shelly]

I wouldn't say that my experiences have been bad, it's just I can't have a completely normal relationship with the equipment I currently have. I also don't feel that I am lying to men! If that was the case, then I guess I am lying to everyone. WHAT AM I LYING ABOUT!!! That I'm not a woman, and just because its for a date or maybe second one....why is this so much more important to be upfront. I can think of many more intimate places or people that one should be upfront with.....doctors, children's teachers, children's friends and there parents.....or hell you better announce that you were born a man when entering a public restroom....or worse yet a public changing room. Come on, tell me these aren't more personable situations than going on one or two dates with a man!!!

I have dated approximately 7-9 men in the last 2 years, some only once some a couple and 2 of them 3 or more months. I have not had a single bad or awkward experience, but I also don't date as being trans....I date as who I am. A WOMAN. The few men I have been intimate with it definitely wasn't because I forced it or even wanted it, it just happened....and I take things very slow, just as I did my transition. I only started dating 2 years ago but have been on hrt for almost 7 years and ft for 3.  I am now fairly comfortable dating but have the same problems as any other woman has....maybe more because of my age. Its only after the dating that things become complicated.

My longest relationship started nearly a year before I finally went out with him. Since I was very familiar with him and enjoyed talking with him often, after a year I finally accepted one of his invites.....after that it was a whirlwind....for both of us. I would of told him earlier but he knew where I worked and the people I work with so I couldn't risk it. Since telling him, I do run the risk of people at work knowing but I have told him I would prefer he didn't....not sure if he as adhered to my request or not.

I will say in all honesty if you have not been living your preferred gender for at least a year I would not attempt dating stealth. I do not think I am an attractive female...but I have learned that I am no less than most women and maybe more attractive than some. I don't think that this alone has helped with my dating possibilities as much as how I blend into society more than many trans do. No, I don't always get a second date, and early I thought it was because of my appearance...or worse yet...they knew!! I have since found out that the reasons are the same as what happens to other women....but I also can't be sure. It has even gotten to the point that I sometimes wonder if I intimidate some men and  maybe....just maybe they feel they are not in my league! IDK...this is not how I usually think of myself, but with some of the dates I've been on and they end up ending in just one, I wonder why!!

I would love to post a pic on here of one I have used on dating sites, only for the reason being that I have always received many compliments and other nice things said....I often wonder are men just blowing smoke up my ass or am I attractive?? I will admit I do have a fairly good shape....something that can help men look past looks.....but I also post pics of just my face at times, with the same responses. I have gotten to the point that I do believe most people, and there not just on dating sites....often its in real life or even FB. I have been told I am attractive by so many people that its hard not to believe....but I still wonder when it comes to dating.

One other thing to mention. I was never attracted to men before hrt and even after....110% attracted to women. It was only after living as myself for about 1 1/2 years that things changed. I fought this feeling for almost 6 months, but it just wouldn't leave. I am saying this to show that dating men was not something I wanted to do to help me confirm my gender, but more that my new gender confirmed that I was not gay. It now would feel real awkward being with a woman, about the same feeling my sister has with other woman....the difference being that I have been with women in the past, so the feeling isn't quite as foreign.

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

I will say in all honesty if you have not been living your preferred gender for at least a year I would not attempt dating stealth. I do not think I am an attractive female...but I have learned that I am no less than most women and maybe more attractive than some. I don't think that this alone has helped with my dating possibilities as much as how I blend into society more than many trans do. No, I don't always get a second date, and early I thought it was because of my appearance...or worse yet...they knew!! I have since found out that the reasons are the same as what happens to other women....but I also can't be sure. It has even gotten to the point that I sometimes wonder if I intimidate some men and  maybe....just maybe they feel they are not in my league! IDK...this is not how I usually think of myself, but with some of the dates I've been on and they end up ending in just one, I wonder why!!

I would love to post a pic on here of one I have used on dating sites, only for the reason being that I have always received many compliments and other nice things said....I often wonder are men just blowing smoke up my ass or am I attractive?? I will admit I do have a fairly good shape....something that can help men look past looks.....but I also post pics of just my face at times, with the same responses. I have gotten to the point that I do believe most people, and there not just on dating sites....often its in real life or even FB. I have been told I am attractive by so many people that its hard not to believe....but I still wonder when it comes to dating.

One other thing to mention. I was never attracted to men before hrt and even after....110% attracted to women. It was only after living as myself for about 1 1/2 years that things changed. I fought this feeling for almost 6 months, but it just wouldn't leave. I am saying this to show that dating men was not something I wanted to do to help me confirm my gender, but more that my new gender confirmed that I was not gay. It now would feel real awkward being with a woman, about the same feeling my sister has with other woman....the difference being that I have been with women in the past, so the feeling isn't quite as foreign.

Shelly, I am often touched by your stories and your struggles. You've been through and go through so much. I've seen your photos that you posted once before, and I can vouch for the fact that the men are telling you the truth. You're a strikingly beautiful woman. You, like me, are afflicted with doubts mainly because we don't get to date freely. It's funny though. If I err with men, it's in not taking things slowly enough. I realized recently that I've at least kissed every man on the first date, even the ones I haven't felt desire for, just to see if a kiss ignites something. Your way is probably smarter. I've had my share of men not want a second date.

Stay beautiful. You're complete unto yourself and worthy of love. As are all of us.

[Just Shelly]

Thank you Jane! Even though I know I am far from beautiful!!

I have also moved a little too fast at times, but I usually let him make the first move. If he moves in for a kiss, and I like him, I'll make sure my lips are available if I'm not attracted maybe just a peck on the cheek or I'll make sure I'm not in the position to be kissed!

My new rule is to avoid all intimacy with any dates in the future, mainly because if I do like them it makes it harder to forget them if intimacy is involved.

I will disagree with saying we can't date as freely as genetic woman. Now if we are up front about our past before the first date...then yes I agree. This is one reason I don't inform anyone until the third date at the earliest. This way I am still able to date as freely as genetic woman....but only on the first few dates......the big difference is, I then must either tell him I am not interested or inform him of my past.....either way I must move on to another lost cause.....UGH!!!