How to cope?

[Mara]

Oh ye enlightened ones, please share your wisdom. How do you cope with being gender non-conforming?

I feel like my gender issues have ruined my life. I don't have a thick enough skin to live authentically. I don't think that I am fully a MtF, but there is no place for feminine men and no third gender here. It is all so difficult. Career. Romance. Friendship. Especially friendship.

How do you find happiness or contentment given your identity?

[Taka]

dear mara

i really wish to answer your question.
a couple days ago, i might have been able to, but right now, my mind is unfortunately not there.
this is not because of being transgender though, it is related to trauma in the past.

the way to grow a thicker skin... i don't really know, it may not be necessary.
knowing who you are makes it easier to dismiss all accusations of being something that you're not.
romance happens, even to non-binary people.

some friendships last, some friends will like your non-binary side as well.
i don't have many friends, but the few that i really can call friends are those who take me for who i am.
they are worth more than all the gold or diamonds on this planet.

i don't know about career. i will probably always be able to find a job, i have skills that are necessary in my community.

[suzifrommd]

How do you find happiness or contentment given your identity?

I transitioned to live as a woman. It's not perfect, but it's a whole lot closer to what would be authentic for me. I faced reality that humans are wired to gender each other as part of the binary and there's no way tiny me was going to change that. For my close friends, I'll disclose that I still feel like a male "inside" but that I'm content to live as a woman.

Wouldn't be right for everyone, of course.

[helen2010]

Oh ye enlightened ones, please share your wisdom. How do you cope with being gender non-conforming?

I feel like my gender issues have ruined my life. I don't have a thick enough skin to live authentically. I don't think that I am fully a MtF, but there is no place for feminine men and no third gender here. It is all so difficult. Career. Romance. Friendship. Especially friendship.

How do you find happiness or contentment given your identity?

Mara

I think that it is impossible to find happiness or contentment without understanding, accepting and authentically expressing your identity.  You really don't have a choice.  If you are non binary then the sooner you understand, accept and express yourself the better.

If you hide yourself, if you pretend to be someone you are not, then trouble awaits.  There are many folk who identify as binary who admit that in reality they have both M and F aspects to their identity.  They are happy and enjoy rich lives, being non binary should give you even more possibility.  As non binary you possess a unique perspective, access to all gendered qualities and an ability to connect with both B and NB.  As a NB I feel truly blessed and would not have it any other way.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Taka]

it is possible to express oneself in spirit even if not in clothing.
being true is the first step, adjusting clothing is a different thing.
i put my identity in my hair, now i finally found a haircut that i don't want to change, other than letting the hair in the middle grow longer.
nobody knows how this is related to gender, but there is no need for them to know.
i know, and it helps me show who i am even if they don't fully understand.

i might end up always being "female" officially and legally.
it might not really bother me much.
all i have to do to be me, is be me. never pretending to be someone else.
a woman in male clothing, odd behavior, uncommon hairdo.
they should get it, even if just unconsciously.
and i still won't break their binary expectations too much.

[Mara]

You all are so strong.


I feel overwhelmed by shame. I don't think that I will ever get over it.

[Satinjoy]

Shame my dear is not something you need feel here, and yes the road to peace takes a while, but we learn, we find a way, and when we are not strong, others here do it for us.

I am Nonbinary to the core, full mtf hormonally, no surgeries, and I live a so called normal life presenting as a male with long clear polished nails and a to b cup breasts unbound.  I am not shamed, because there is no reason to be, it is who I am.

But it took a while to understand it all.

Stay with us, you are not alone.

Nails out heart open,

Satinjoy

[Taka]

it's wrong to assume we are all so strong.
we fight our fights like most other people.
we shatter and break.
fear and sorrow are part of our lives.

there are days where i wish to dissipate into nothingness.
or go on a violent rampage before ending my own existence.
days when i shut the door to my office so others won't see that i'm there.
days when i don't turn on any lights because the little there is feels like it will destroy all my drkness, the only part of me i can still feel exists.
there are times when i leave walking out the door and interacting with people to a robotic spare personality.

there is no shame in being weak. it is only proof that you are human.
strength is going on even when therw is no goal in sight.
walking through the valley of death, clinging on to this tale that there is life outside, even after having lost all hope or faith
picking yourself up when you fall, just so you can fall again and repeat.

cut yourself some slack. you are your own strictest judge.
don't judge yourself harsher than you do others.
your life is equally valuable.

[Mark3]

Hi Mara,

I'm just going step by step, taking things slow..
I'm still very much learning and growing.

I was afraid to come out to my friends to, but have been pleasantly surprised.
I realize that its so true that your true friends will accept your changes and stick with you, and the others, well its not your fault if they walk away.

Its bound to get bumpy at some point, but the rewards of being able to be your true self all the time, are so well worth it..

I haven't altered my dress for anyone, maybe its because so much of this transformation is inside, and much more important than what clothes you choose, but that also can change and be delt with at any time..

There's much to learn, and as you can see, many here willing to help..

[Mara]

Thank you for your replies.

I do still think that anyone who takes any steps toward transition is brave. Even though it is not really a choice, I still admire people who are able to be true to themselves.

I have a large amount of internalized trans-phobia. I have been in a very dark place for a long time. Trying to be true to myself in spirit is a fantastic goal, but it is easier said than done because I've been so harsh on myself for so long.

There are so few good sources of information on being transgender on the web. It is really difficult to learn about.

[Satinjoy]

It is really big stuff, being trans, and it starts with accepting this.  Fighting it is unhealthy, fighting it or learning and yeilding to it without a competent shrink is just plain dangerous.   I needed every bit of support I could get, and I still do, I am in conversation with my trans family daily on the phone and by way of forum, and every 3-4 weeks with the shrink to talk it out.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done, the smartest thing I have ever done, and the most important thing I have ever tried to do with the exception of getting sober.

Susans is very powerful, this section is some of the best of the best IMO, and please voice your feelings here.  But find a shrink, this isn't about a hormonal end game, it is about learning to live with, accept and eventually embrace ourselves, in our truths.

[JulieBlair]

Thank you for your replies.

I do still think that anyone who takes any steps toward transition is brave. Even though it is not really a choice, I still admire people who are able to be true to themselves.

I have a large amount of internalized trans-phobia. I have been in a very dark place for a long time. Trying to be true to myself in spirit is a fantastic goal, but it is easier said than done because I've been so harsh on myself for so long.

There are so few good sources of information on being transgender on the web. It is really difficult to learn about.

Mara,
God I wish I was brave, I wish I was sure.  I've been in one phase or another of transition for most of three years.  It took me most of that time to find anything close to self acceptance, and with that I discovered that I am more complex than I thought.

I thought I was just another girl, one of 3.5 billion on this planet.  It was comforting.  Turns out that is incomplete and who I am is much more interesting.  That said, as with Suzi, I live my life as a woman.  It is easier for me to be a butch chick than to be a feminine guy.  I spent my first few decades as this strange little boy, and it didn't work out very well.

The point of this tirade is that the destination isn't the goal.  The discovery of authenticity is;  the acceptance of who you authentically are is;  the realization of who you are regardless of where that leads is; and these processes must be the goal, the journey, and ultimately the destination.  The people who inhabit this portion of the forest of authenticity are some of the most brilliant people I have ever met.  You are in good hands and in good company. 

Fear is a natural part of discovery, but self discovery is in the end transformative.  I came to transition and to Susan's, feeling lonely, angry, different, and afraid every day of my life.  I masked the pain by self medicating until I nearly died.  I masked the fear with denial until that fell into ruins and I no longer could go on as I was and had no clue as to how I could chart a course to who I needed and wanted to be.  The process of pilgrimage is redemption for me.  This is a joyful recognition of my humanity.

I wish you nothing but affirmation and joy as you begin the journey to yourself.

Peace,
Julie

[Satinjoy]

And how is Mara today?  Has some of this helped?  Do you have thoughts you wish to express?

How are you feeling dear?

I am living a fully satisfying life, so are others, I am non binary mtf with multiple presentations and a tight, loving family

We are no different from you

Can you accept that you may actually be blessed to be who you are?

It takes a while to understand that....

Hair growing and heart open, nails long and clear polished,  knee high womens boots ready, breasts real and not too well hidden,   and genderqueer working as a subcontractor in construction, living my truth..... because of this place.....because you  taught me to be real and accept myself unconditionally.....

Love to all here.  And as I post, in my resting presentation, my hair is long and my dress is gorgeous and I look sexy as a model (in my own eyes).  And I belong to my wife, heart mind soul and transitioned, in the GQ presentation she now embraces, literally and emotionally.  Love it. 

Satinjoy