My boyfriend is in a lot of trouble, any help would be appreciated.

[RustedCrows]

I've been dating my (ftm pre T) boyfriend for about 5 months, he came out to me as male but he is struggling. I can imagine that many people before transition can go through a lot of emotional pain and he is suffering. I've been trying to help him, he just came out to his mom and her reply really set him back. He's had hesitance before because he's afraid of what's to come, he says he'd rather stay female than possibly mess up his life coming out or taking T. Other people's opinions and his lack of support is really getting to him.
He's made progress and I've convinced him to cut his hair, he's done so and he felt better before those feelings came back again. He says that he'll never be a real male and that he could never be who he wants to be. The fact that this is long distance really makes things harder...but I love him and he's considered suicide because of how he feels. He wants to be male but in a way he wants to stay female because he says it's easier, less problems and he won't feel all these things. If he pushes all those feelings away he's only causing more damage to himself..I've told him to try and come to this website. I'm hoping that he will. He wants to get help but he has very bad social anxiety and I just want to push him to the right direction. He wants to get binders but his dad is very unsupportive and he will kick him out of the house for even knowing about his situation.
Does anyone know a way to get a binder discreetly? Without it being too noticeable on the packaging or something? I know that a binder would really help him, any help or advice would be most appreciated.

[LordKAT]

It could be sent to a trusted friends address. Or sent to you and you repackage it before mailing to him.

[RustedCrows]

That is an excellent idea, I'll have to talk to him first and hopefully I can get it to him. Hopefully all can be well, I just hope that his dad won't interfere much..
~~Thank you so much for the help!! I am very very thankful~~

[LordKAT]

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[WifeofMTF]

I would seriously suggest him seeing a therapist on a regular basis or finding a support group close by would be even better. My MTF wife finds much more comfort in speaking to others that are going through a transition than talking to a therapist. If he refuses, try to compliment the male features/attributes that he exudes. It sounds like he has been hit with some serious blows to his confidence. Build him back up the best you can. Love is a powerful medicine.

My wife felt very selfish about wanting to be a female and tried to suppress it for 20 years. She tried anorexia as a form of control and that only stopped the feelings for a short period of time before they resurfaced. Then she would try something else, like moving cross country. The feelings kept surfacing until finally she came out to me. I hope your partner is able to be gather the courage to be who they want to be. We only have one life.

Best of luck in love!

[RustedCrows]

I would seriously suggest him seeing a therapist on a regular basis or finding a support group close by would be even better. My MTF wife finds much more comfort in speaking to others that are going through a transition than talking to a therapist. If he refuses, try to compliment the male features/attributes that he exudes. It sounds like he has been hit with some serious blows to his confidence. Build him back up the best you can. Love is a powerful medicine.

My wife felt very selfish about wanting to be a female and tried to suppress it for 20 years. She tried anorexia as a form of control and that only stopped the feelings for a short period of time before they resurfaced. Then she would try something else, like moving cross country. The feelings kept surfacing until finally she came out to me. I hope your partner is able to be gather the courage to be who they want to be. We only have one life.

Best of luck in love!

Thank you so much for the advice, I will try my hardest to keep him going. I know that he has the courage in him but he's overwhelmed by it all, I will do my best to support him. Again, thank you for your input~~

[mrs izzy]

Last i checked you could get underworks from Amazon and i do not think they plaster all over there package it is a binder for FTM.

My husband ordered direct from underworks and it was shipped federal express in a white plastic shipper.

You can always ask the place you are buying to keep package discreet if you have a issue.

Now secondary, Welcome to Susan's family
Lots of topics to explore and posts to write
Hugs

[Beth Andrea]

I know that he has the courage in him but he's overwhelmed by it all,

Help him break down the immensity of it all by making a list, and after writing it, put it in order of "most important" to "least important."

Examples:
Coming out
Clothes
HRT
Job/income
own place
mailbox
packer/binder
therapy


Transition is something one does slowly, carefully. Obviously his mom isn't too supportive (are they ever? Only rarely...), so if possible tone things down with her.

A binder is a good idea. Re: his dad interfering...can he (your friend) get a PO box or similar? No money? Could you help with it? Having a private mail drop is awesome. (And fwiw, it's illegal to open mail in another person's name--contact the Postmaster General with the complaint)

Can he dress more masculine, or at least more androgynous? Take it one step at a time...it's not impossible, it just takes a plan.

[RustedCrows]

Help him break down the immensity of it all by making a list, and after writing it, put it in order of "most important" to "least important."

Examples:
Coming out
Clothes
HRT
Job/income
own place
mailbox
packer/binder
therapy


Transition is something one does slowly, carefully. Obviously his mom isn't too supportive (are they ever? Only rarely...), so if possible tone things down with her.

A binder is a good idea. Re: his dad interfering...can he (your friend) get a PO box or similar? No money? Could you help with it? Having a private mail drop is awesome. (And fwiw, it's illegal to open mail in another person's name--contact the Postmaster General with the complaint)

Can he dress more masculine, or at least more androgynous? Take it one step at a time...it's not impossible, it just takes a plan.

He has tried to dress more masculine and look more male but my situation just got worse. He's beginning to deny everything again and it's nearly impossible to get him to really listen to me. I'll ask him about a P.O box but I'm not sure if it's possible, it might be soon though so I'll keep it in mind. I tried to get him to do the earlier idea (me getting the package and disguising it then sending it to him) but he says it's too risky. I know that he desperately wants a binder but he won't do it if It's too risky. Hmm...I'm going to try and bring up the list idea but I don't know if he'll really listen to me, I'm going to try though.

[adrian]

Hey Crow,

it's wonderful that you are here in support of your partner!

Your and his situation sounds very difficult and it sounds a bit like he feels trapped. It's something I can relate to (although my situation is very different). I often feel stuck, like I can move neither back nor forth. Moving ahead is intimidating, but going back is impossible. For me this feeling normally requires that I take smaller steps. Baby steps. And when I feel this way, the feeling that someone is "pushing" me causes me to shut down even more. I don't think you are pushing your partner, you are being supportive, but if he is panicky at the moment it could still feel to him like you're pushing him. So maybe leave the binder topic for the moment.

If he suffers from anxiety/depression, it would be really helpful if he could get some support or counseling for this. It is possible that this is caused by the gender dysphoria, and that transition is going to remedy it -- but the anxiety can make transition seem like something that's impossible to achieve, and depression can cause us to think that it's not worth pursuing this goal, so these are issues he may have to address with support by a therapist.

[Athena]

Hi RustedCrows welcome to Susan's. First of all I want to thank you for being understanding and wanting to help. I really think your BF would benefit greatly from seeing a gender therapist. Between the support of you and a gender therapist your BF can grow into the person he was meant to be.

[RustedCrows]

Hey Crow,

it's wonderful that you are here in support of your partner!

Your and his situation sounds very difficult and it sounds a bit like he feels trapped. It's something I can relate to (although my situation is very different). I often feel stuck, like I can move neither back nor forth. Moving ahead is intimidating, but going back is impossible. For me this feeling normally requires that I take smaller steps. Baby steps. And when I feel this way, the feeling that someone is "pushing" me causes me to shut down even more. I don't think you are pushing your partner, you are being supportive, but if he is panicky at the moment it could still feel to him like you're pushing him. So maybe leave the binder topic for the moment.

If he suffers from anxiety/depression, it would be really helpful if he could get some support or counseling for this. It is possible that this is caused by the gender dysphoria, and that transition is going to remedy it -- but the anxiety can make transition seem like something that's impossible to achieve, and depression can cause us to think that it's not worth pursuing this goal, so these are issues he may have to address with support by a therapist.

Therapy is a really good idea, I just have to really ask him about it. It'll be tough because his family doesn't have a lot of money but I've looked up therapists that are willing to work things out. I only need him to cooperate. His anxiety plays a huge part in this, like you said he feels as if transition is impossible and the depression makes things worse. I know that he wants to transition, but he's told me that he's afraid of changing his body and he's afraid of what T will do in a way, he's more comfortable staying in his own body he says. A binder is the most important thing right now for him, and more masculine clothes. I know that a small push in the right direction will really help his confidence. For now, I'll try to keep talking to him about transitioning and I'll try to get him into therapy, I know that he has it in him to go forward.

[adrian]

Therapy is a really good idea, I just have to really ask him about it. It'll be tough because his family doesn't have a lot of money but I've looked up therapists that are willing to work things out. I only need him to cooperate. His anxiety plays a huge part in this, like you said he feels as if transition is impossible and the depression makes things worse. I know that he wants to transition, but he's told me that he's afraid of changing his body and he's afraid of what T will do in a way, he's more comfortable staying in his own body he says. A binder is the most important thing right now for him, and more masculine clothes. I know that a small push in the right direction will really help his confidence. For now, I'll try to keep talking to him about transitioning and I'll try to get him into therapy, I know that he has it in him to go forward.

Hey,

if he says he is afraid of what t will do to his body, then maybe the time for him to consider hrt hasn't come. Maybe it will never comes. That's ok! He doesn't have to change his body in a permanent way if he doesn't want to. It does sound as if a binder was a really good start, but if it scares him too much at the moment, then maybe it is too early for this as well. It's important for him to decide what he wants and when he wants it. The same goes for therapy. I know it is very hard if you look at a situation and you see how it could be resolved, but someone who is in the middle of it cannot see this way out. You cannot take these steps for your boyfriend, however much you want to take this burden from him. But you can support him, by supporting his decisions and by helping him navigate the decision process.

[cindianna_jones]

When my father found out I wanted to be a girl, he said "If I ever see you in a dress, I'll beat the ->-bleeped-<- out of you."

Not too many months later, my parents took me to a mental ward in a local hospital to "fix me." Well, Mom and Dad were in for a surprise. They did fix me. They understood me. They helped me make my decision final. And in the mean time, they would not allow any contact between me and my family unless I wished it. I didn't wish it. Mom and Dad were forced to come into counseling and they were told point blank that if they continued with their resistance they could lose their child forever, either by suicide or separation.

One week later, I left my home town and moved to CA to find a new job as a woman. My father sat me down just before I left and said "I don't understand it but if you need to be <my real name> then you be <my real name>. Don't tell anyone here where you live and you go find happiness for yourself. I want you to be happy. I will always love you." He became my strongest supporter, even though he never could manage to get the pronouns right a hundred percent of the time. But he tried and that's what counts. He died four years ago. I am very happy that we had that discussion so many years ago. It was a time in my life where I felt true love and compassion from my Dad.

Transition is perhaps one of the most traumatic and emotional period of a trans person's life. It is absolutely overwhelming. There are so many issues we must face. So many things we must do. So much money to spend. Finding work is difficult. And on top of all that we must face utter fowl rejection from people we thought loved us. So, I completely get what your boyfriend is going through. Your idea of doing one thing is a very good idea. Just one thing might help. And of course, your support is much more than many of us get in the beginning. You are a special person. Stay in contact with him. And if it is possible, therapy can be a very positive influence, especially if the parents can be a part of that therapy.

My best to you and please remember that we are here. We can only send words to you. Bits and bytes over the line. But we are real people who understand, for we are going through the same process or have been there ourselves. Perhaps your BF might join in with us. We would certainly welcome him too.

My heart goes out to the both of you. Along with a few tears, if you will accept them.

Cindi