Before I started transitioning and even early on during my transition I never dwelled on the need to have GRS. I think because I was still attracted to women, things would just work out. I now can not see myself living like this for much longer. I think what has really caused me the most tension and depression is sex!! I can't even believe this myself, since I never was and I'm still not a very sexual person.
Through my own self discovery I know its not just sex, but more so the intimacy and closeness of another.....but this is impossible to have with a man for any length of time.....for men, intimacy is sex....and something of a requirement if things are to move on. Even for myself, if I had the right equipment I know darn well I would of gave in to my desires eventually.
The problem started when my attraction did a complete 180. If I was still attracted to women I guess I still could use what I still have....and I have tried to feel that desire for women once again....but I just don't have that feeling! I am so much into what a man can provide for me....and its not the sex DUH!! Everything about a man just makes me feel tingly at times....even some of the not so good stuff....like not listening, caring or paying attention to me when needed is even acceptable since they usually make up for it in other ways. Even there smell is so different yet its something I miss when I am not with one.
I have been very intimate with a number of men in the last 2 years, during these times I probably would of gave in and had sex....but cannot with the equipment I have. I so much wanted to complete the intimacy we shared, but they didn't know of what I had so had to stop once things got to far. I have pleasured men in other ways I thought I never could or would do, I did this only to provide them the only pleasure I could give and surprisingly it also brought me pleasure as well.....but men want to be able to penetrate something....and this I could not provide.
It has gotten to the point that when I do self pleasure I feel like I am being penetrated and my orgasms are 100% female. The way I self pleasure and orgasm had already changed dramatically over the last 2 years....but recently it is even more female, that when I am done...it is only then that I realize what I still have and then get very depressed over it. I would rather not even self procreate knowing how I will feel afterward. The other day I had the most intense orgasm that I moaned so long and when that stopped I started to cry.... I'm not even sure why I was crying but when I realized I was..... I cried even more for knowing what I have.
I have no idea how I am going to afford GRS!! I have decided that I am going to book a date in January with Chettawut and somehow come up with the rest 8 months later....IDK how I am going to do it....but I can't live like this another year!!
I guess I am writing this more to vent than ask for any help.....since I realize I am not the only one with this predicament
