I don't want to transition but I don't want to be me

[orangejuice]

Not really too sure what I'm posting on here. Just wanted to vent a little and maybe get some advice. I posted my story on here a few months a go. I always had weird feelings but that was the first time I 'let them in.' Since then its been a total flood of confusing feelings. I feel like all these separate parts of my mind are trying to merge together, and I wouldn't exactly say I feel good. At first it was a lot of happiness, but that was only because for some reason I allowed myself to think that a fantasy could come true.  I'm scared that letting the feelings in was the worst thing possible. I'm really scared hearing people say gender dysphoria only gets worse over time. That is what scares me the most, more than how I actually feel right now.

I broke down, posted on here, even started down a road seeing a gender therapist a few times, but it became all I could concentrate on. Nothing else in my  life worked. I stopped working out and seeing friends at all-even though I wasn't much before. Then I recently had a good friend come home from living abroad which forced me into going out again. It felt like I kicked into life. I went back into the gym. Studied a lot more for uni. Built up that wall and put the feelings tucked away in that place. I felt really bad I'd let them in at all and deleted my profile on here.

And the thing is I do feel better when I'm leaving that part of me alone, which if I do the right kind of things can be most of the time. The thing is I'm not 100 per cent sure I'm transgender. I definitely don't have a lot of the stuff that others do, like despising their male bodies for example. I mean I basically want to kill myself because I'm going bald and I hate my stupid bony forehead but that's just because I've changed a lot in the past 5 years and in my opinion I used to be kinda good looking and now I'm not. What I do have is the other side of it. Looking at girls and feeling so much jealousy and sadness that I'll never look like that. But even that I could probably deal with I reckon, and it might just be because I'm really vain and want to look good. What I can't handle is the fact my sexuality is basically in no way related to my body. Any kind of sex is not really an option, thus relationships aren't something I do and won't ever be able to do, which makes me really sad and probably that I'm going to end up killing myself someday when all my friends are married with kids. But that is something that doesn't seem to be an issue for most people. I hear people say, 'I kept pretending to be a guy and got married and had kids.' That makes no sense to me personally. The way whatever this is is for me means I could never do that. I feel really different. Like I might not be trans but I have a really unique aspect of it. I sort of feel like a freak amongst freaks to be honest. (I don't think if you're trans you are a freak but you get the point) I don't want to transition because I'd look like a big dude in girls clothes, and I'm not sure I could even pull off being female tbh. I might get really embarassed. I just want to wake up a girl, so that all those things wouldn't be my fault. Anyway I've had a reasonably happy week since I sort of went back to living and put the feelings back in that place. The thing is  the more I ignore them the more I do feel better. I feel better socially. I would even say that every day I go ignoring them its like I gain in strength and happiness. BUT in the end I can't help those random periods of intensely wanting to be a girl. I just turned on tv and as soon as I see a girl I have all that longing, sadness and frustration coming on. I always lose to the feelings in the end.  But the fact that I am legitimately happier when I'm able to ignore them, that seems like I might not be transgender?

I don't know. Like I said I'm not sure what I'm on here for it just feels like some place for the feelings to go. I feel so trapped by who I am and like there is no way out. I don't think there's anything I can do that will make me happy. I hate my feelings. I don't know why they are there I don't want them. The only way would be to wake and not be me.

[JoanneB]

Welcome to the club 

Being obsessed is bad. Balance is good. Questioning is good.

I relied on the 3D's of Distractions, Diversions, and some denial for several decades. I needed to. I wasn't cut out for transition. Been there, tried it twice before. I got a degree in something I love doing. I got a career which pays me well to have fun. I am the person I am today on the verge of transition thanks in large part to doing everything I have up to today. Sure, some things could have been better. I aint perfect, yet.

Being trans is just one aspect of the totality of who we are. I've been working hard these past 6 years to try to make one whole, healthy, and happy person out of the many isolated fragments I forced myself to be.  I wrestle daily with transitioning. It may be possible for me to feel even more genuine by presenting as female full-time. But that will impact other aspects of my life. Perhaps negatively.

Up until six seven years ago I didn't really want to be me either. I hadn't a clue even of who that was. Worse was all my achievements were not mine. All of me did not earn them. Today I am happy being in my own skin. I am discovering what it is like being a whole person with hopes, wishes, dreams, passion. Sure, some things could be better. I aint perfect yet

[orangejuice]

Hi Joanne, thanks for the reply

I guess I don't really feel like I'm distracting myself from anything. Its like I'm 90% a perfectly happy guy but 10% not. Which would be fine but that 10% just happens to include the one thing that has to add up for me to have any kind of life and happiness. I sent my therapist a long email detailing my situation and the first thing she said to me on day one was she thinks that what I'm dealing with is probably gender dysphoria. But then I started opening my mouth and I think she's realising its not that simple for me. The last hing she left me with was if I could get rid of all the guilt I feel about whatever my sexuality is then it will help me get a clearer picture of what to do. That's great but she can't make that happen. I can't just change how I feel. Even if I did, the things that make me so unhappy on daily basis is not feeling normal because I haven't done the things normal people do because of all this. I did the whole high school girlfriend thing but then this all started to kick in and I'm now 25 and I'm basically a virgin, despite trying a few times, and I've never had a relationship since then. I hate that for the whole world relationships are as natural as breathing. And worse it seems like its all people want to talk about. Whether its talking to friends, family, turning on the TV or watching a film, I feel like the whole world makes me feel like a weirdo. Even transgender people who despite being clearly way more gender dysphoric than me talk about having girlfriends and boyfriends, even husbands and wives, like its nothing. I feel like I'm going on this downward journey the older I get and it will probably end in suicide one day. I feel like the elephant in the room when I'm with my friends. Its like there is just this unwritten rule that everyone knows I haven't done those things and they don't know why but they know not to bring it up. Its starting to get really bad because I'm at the age where friends are living with girlfriends and stuff. It will get worse when weddings start happening and worse when people start having kids. Its even starting to creep into family now. I don't know what the end of this will be but I've known since I was 18 that it will  only get worse. Honestly I can see it being highly possible I'll kill myself one day. I don't know what other logical outcome there can be.

Sorry to be such a downer! I'm defo not considering suicide or anything right now, its just that the different feelings I've had the luck of being given just don't add up. I don't think I'd be happy transitioning and I don't think I'll be happy just living my life.

[goldphantom]

First of all congratulations on finding a gender therapist. I have heard therapy really works. I have one, he is really not helpful, and I am thinking about changing but I digress.

I know how you feel. It is hard to determine whether what we feel is really us, society or just deceiving words. I feel like a girl but I don't look like a girl. I don't like when people refer to me as she. It is just weird but how can I be a girl with out that. I can dress as a woman and feel good as long as I look decent but when I am not dressed up my mind fills with doubts. It becomes hard to understand what is real and what isn't. Sometimes I wish I was just either one. I am jealous of people who are not confused about their gender.

Don't worry too much about relationships when you feel good things happen a little easier. Focus on that first. I am 26 and I have never been in a relationship. I am going to start to transition soon and that will put me back even longer.

[orangejuice]

Hi goldphantom,

That's rubbish about you're therapist. Are they a gender therapist? For me personally that's the only therapy I think would help. Mines really good. It just feels good to sit in front of someone and feel like I'm  finally being completely honest about who I am. I feel a bit hopeless about it though. It feels good for that hour but doesn't and can't physically change anything. I'm realising all the rubbish stuff I've heard others say but never actually felt it myself since I let this feelings in. Like how much I can't handle the fact that if I'd known when I was younger. I'm pretty certain I'll never transition. Only way I'd do it would be if I won the lottery or something and had no friends or family which obviously I wouldn't want. And the other side is I don't think I can want something that can't happen so much and be happy. Pretty rubbish deal. It's so strange to think about your own feelings like they are some foreign object in your head. Why are they there? Is it genes? Is it something about early childhood? I love my parents but I'm finding it hard to not get bitter about why I've been given these feelings and also resentment at everyone who doesn't. Another depressing rant. Sorry.

[JoanneB]

Funny thing about feelings... Being trans you tend to only allow a very small subset of them to come into your life. Once you start knocking down the walls you tend to get overwhelmed by the ones on the other side

[PinkCloud]

I think everyone experience it differently. I never met a trans* with the same story twice. It took me 30+ years to figure it all out. I never pretended to be male, I just didn't know I was female. I cannot explain it, it just is. When I finally accepted my feelings, then it slowly came together. It takes time, in my case it took at least 2 years before I even could accept myself being who I am.

[Ms Grace]

I didn't want to transition either - too hard, too humiliating, wouldn't work anyway. But if I could click my fingers and just become a woman I would have done it. The thought of being seen as male by others was traumatic.  Those two things told me that the only way I could live as myself would be to transition. And it hasn't been easy but was nowhere near as hard or humiliating as I expected - but I had to own the process, acknowledge I was trans and that there was nothing wrong with that. It has worked better than I could have expected, but possibly because I tried to keep my expectations realistic. The thing is, before you transition it really helps to start looking at yourself, the process and more. It's all about little steps not one huge leap. You are imagining a precipice when there is a stairway bridge to the other side. If you can, get back to that gender therapist ASAP and talk about what you just posted here.

[Mysteryman]

You are not alone. Many of us go through the same cycle as you.

Sometimes the thought of the process of transitioning is too much for us to imagine. Other times its an aching need.

Just remember that being a woman is more than just the exterior shell.

[Sandy74]

Me calling myself transgender comes and goes as well. One day I have a strong desire to be a woman and then the next day I don't and feel like if I started to transition that I would have to know one hundred percent that it was and is the choice that is right for me. I want breasts more than anything but what type of job would I have where I would be accepted being transgender? I mean could I still live as a man but have breasts? I mean I am forty years old and have so many flaws that I don't think would be any different if I was a woman. I guess you have to do what makes you happy in the long run but do not kill yourself cause I am sure lots of people would miss you very much. If you need to talk shoot me a message. I struggle every single day with being transgender.

[ImagineKate]

For me it took a blind leap of faith to jump into it, but I really had to look into myself first. Sounds exactly like what you are doing.

You and you alone will know what you want and what you need to do. Professionals are there to guide you but won't push you to something you aren't ready for. I, too, realized this.

Understand that even cis women have their own issues. My wife constantly thinks she's ugly and fat. She's beautiful and I told her I'd gladly trade my life for hers, many times over. She rolls her eyes. But I know women who really don't look all that feminine but there is no doubt in their mind that they are women. But if you carry yourself like a woman and believe that you are, then you are!

Beauty takes work. Yes, some people have it naturally but if you want to look good you have to work at it. Thankfully there are TONS of resources and things like clothes and makeup can make all the difference. Even personal grooming and styling can help immensely. So don't think you will be stuck as a shaven ape in a dress. If you've been looking around here then you should realize that many of us started out as manly looking men, and ended up as beautiful women. I am at that starting point and it is only when I realized what could be done then I was happy to jump right in. But even so, I couldn't live as a man anymore because it didn't feel right or authentic. I mean, my friends are growing their beards for no shave November... I think that is just gross. I mean beards are icky, they get food caught up in them and all other stuff...eewwww. I had liked to be clean shaven even though I have let myself go in the past. And now that I shave my body hair and arms and legs, it feels right. Eventually electrolysis and HRT will take care of a lot of stuff but right now I'm enjoying feeling right... and to me that is the biggest thing, FEELING right about yourself. To heck with what other people think!

You also mentioned that you are questioning why you are this way. Nobody really knows but there are theories. Everything from hormonal activity in the womb, to mild intersexed conditions, to abuse of DES and other stuff by the medical establishment. I mean who knows. But you know you have those feelings, so you have to deal with them, and only you can decide how. For some people this means full transition but for others it may mean cross dressing once in a while, low dose HRT or simple self acceptance. In the end you can try any of those things and more and get a feel for what you like.

In any case a good therapist is a must. That said, I have had two. The first one gave me some good practical advice but I felt she really wasn't doing much. The new one I have is very understanding and knowledgeable so I think I'll stick with her for a while. I do go dressed up because I feel more comfortable as me expressing my feelings to her, but it also gives me the opportunity to test the waters going out as a woman. I can't go full time yet due to work but I feel it will be soon.

In any case best of luck, I hope you find your place and your peace.

[orangejuice]

But if I could click my fingers and just become a woman I would have done it. The thought of being seen as male by others was traumatic.  Those two things told me that the only way I could live as myself would be to transition.

See I 100% per cent have the first part but not really the second. I think that is what is really leaving me feeling like I'm different. I feel like this feeling has just been put there somehow, genes, early childhood, however that happens, and then pretty much every other circumstance of my life has lead me to be so far away the kind of person who could fit with that feeling. I feel like I have feelings I choose and feelings I don't, and honestly the ones I choose are that I want to be the guy that I was when I was happy which was until I was 18 when I started to get depressed about life.

Just remember that being a woman is more than just the exterior shell.

Ye I mean I totally get that. Its kinda why I feel like there is no option for me because this stuff is so deeply hidden. Its why I want to be a girl but I don't want to transition. I mean if I was a girl there would be nothing 'masculine' about me, but all the stuff about me that I know I'd feel more comfortable with being female is really deep down. Not anything you'd really notice on the surface, and that's why I'd probably only feel embarassed, awkward, uncomfortable with going through the reality of transitioning. Its also why I think I could actually not be transgender. Like I said in my original post I don't carry this about all the time with me like others do. I don't feel like I pretend to be a guy. I mean ImagineKate I've actually grown a bit of a beard at the moment. Things like that don't bother me and I'll be happy that way going about my day but then just be completely floored by looking at something or seeing something that makes me wish I was a girl. It hits me and then I look in the mirror and immediately am like why do I feel like that? I don't want it or choose it.

I guess you have to do what makes you happy in the long run but do not kill yourself cause I am sure lots of people would miss you very much. If you need to talk shoot me a message. I struggle every single day with being transgender.

Thanks. Like I said I don't feel that way now but I have this really scary feeling that it might be the only outcome, whether its 10 or 20 years from now. I'm also really scared when I hear people say the catalyst to transition is it was that or kill themselves. I really don't want to reach that point because I obviously don't want to kill myself and because if there's the tiniest chance I could look female now there is no way I could in even 5 years.

[TheQuestion]

Hey OJ, I wanted to be female my whole life and there was always this feeling - I guess it was sadness - that accompanied me throughout life.  I didn't necessarily want to be female, but I always felt a little sad that I wasn't.  I was able to manage with being a little sad for the majority of my life, but recently I've totally broken down.  Something can bother you a little bit for a little while, but span that out over a couple decades, and the little things begin to weigh you down.  I always had that feeling, but the sadness and depression didn't really pick up until recently, after I saw my hair thinning and noticed I'd developed some facial bone that I didn't have a few years ago.  All seemed to happen so fast.  It's all I think about anymore and it's screwing my life up. 

I wasn't sure I was trans, but now I'm realizing that I really am and I'm trying to make things better.  Part of me feels I could get over this by ignoring it as well, and I'm afraid of all that you are, but I'm also really afraid of this getting worse and finding myself in 5-10 years in that much worse of a position.  I feel awful for not transitioning at 15 or 20, but it'd feel awful to finally give in at that much more of an advanced age. 

Seeing a therapist and just being really depressed has sort of lead me to realizing I'm trans.  Depression seem to be a hallmark of being transgendered, so it may be a clue.  I really hope you can figure things out.  I guess don't think about it too much, but don't let it go by the wayside until you can't ignore it.  Just keep the option opened and do what you feel is best.

[orangejuice]

Ye the part about being depressed is basically the gamble I feel like I'd have to take. I didn't ever have the thought I'm unhappy because I'm a guy. I sort of still don't tbh, but I remember being 13 and trying to explain to my Mum that I was happy but it felt like there was something trapping me and if it was gone I could do whatever I wanted. Those were my exact words. I put it down to being shy and still do. Maybe I just realised that it was wrong to want to look like a girl at such a young age that I kept those feelings as the only thing I thought they could be which was a fantasy and something to lie in bed at night and imagine for fun. I really wish I hadn't realised that. I'd really like to ask my Mum about what I was like when I was 3 or 4. What did I say when I came down the stairs in the morning with my nails couloured in red felt pen? Maybe all the unexplained stuff is because I am transgender. Maybe the fact that going bald makes me feel like life isn't worth living is telling me something. Maybe the fact that one glance in the mirror can make me not want to leave the house for days is telling me something. Maybe the fact I feel so awkward in most social situations is telling me something. Maybe the fact that sex feels really wrong somehow and not something I want to pursue ever is telling me something. If it fixed all that it might be worth it. But unlike others I don't feel that link, and its a hell of a gamble to take. I mean what if it didn't? I'd be in a way worse place than I am now because I'd still have all those things but just be weird looking guy with boobs. But I feel like I won't know unless I try it. Just part of the whole sucky deal I'm realising.

[peky]

It is like a sinusoidal wave... the ups and downs eventually will attenuate... and hopefully you will be just you

all the best on your journey!

[martine]

I can somehow relate to what you're saying "orangjuice". I have been struggling with gender dysphoria since my childhood but not to the point of despising being in the guise of a guy, just like you. However, I did felt uncomfortable with always this nagging feeling that I should be a girl. I kept pushing it to the back of my mind, telling myself that it was just a fantasy, that I couldn't possibly transition for a number of reasons. Sometimes, the protective shells I had constructed would crack and I'd be overwhelmed with dysphoria for weeks and even months. But even then, I would push until the feelings were back where I thought they belonged. Of course, intimate relationships were awkward as to share intimacy with someone means that you're bound to be confronted with your body dissonance. And almost always had pangs of anguish while looking at myself in the mirror.

I kept going for a number of years and even enjoyed life as much as I could given the situation. Studied a lot, it was a nice refuge. But you can only deal so long with dysphoria and the strong desire to transition without breaking. I was tired of struggling and decided to face the truth. I accepted myself, slowly started to explore, came out to my closest friends and relatives (went better than expected) and as I progress, when I cross a mirror, I look at myself, and I can't help but smile at this ever changing reflection.

Take it easy, take it slow, try some changes, see how you feel about it. You might end up being surprised. And if it doesn't make you happier, than you'll know the answer to your inner turmoil might be somewhere else.