Just now i came out to my best friend. I know him for nearly twelve of my twenty-four years. At first i just wanted to give him some hints. I mentioned during in a normal conversation that i'm visiting two therapists. He was surprised and asked why. I said "Oh, just something that's bothering me since my childhood... I gave you some hints over the years, maybe you can guess" (freely translated). He said he noticed that i always was "cautious" in what i was saying to him. He tried a few times and three topics - of a longer list - he mentioned where "women", "sex" and my "thyroid subfunction" (don't ask me how he came from therapist to a subfunction).... I actually didn't wanted to give that many hints and really come out to him, but i somehow couldn't stop, so i told him that the three topics are going 'somehow' in the right direction. He then instantly went from thyroid subfunction to hormones then to sex hormones and it clicked.
"... Don't tell me you want to become a chick!"
"What if i tell you that exactly that... is true?"
"You would see me disturbed!"
"Well... i thought as much. But as long as we remain friends i don't have to care about that, i guess?
"
"Now that you're saying it.... :3 Just kidding
"
He was actually impressively accepting. He didn't ask many questions. Just what my reasons are and after i told him a bunch (not all) he said he would understand that and would probably transition too in my position.
I know that he had, like seemingly most people here in Germany, the view that transsexuals with very few exceptions look and act like drag queens or kings (yaaay trashTV be blessed... NOT!), so i told him (unasked) about most of the changes that happen on estrogen, what trans* people really are, a theory how it comes to GD and a lot more.... He was honestly interested and often surprised. Especially about the body's reaction to different sex hormones (he always was a fan of biology). We talked for two more hours in which i didn't hold back and told him a lot of things from my past and my dysphoria and he asked me which new name i want to take and some smaller details.
At the end he just wished me a good night as usual, as if nothing happened.
I didn't really expected him to reject me. All my friends are the most tolerant and friendly people i've ever met. I never really stressed their tolerance myself, but i know how they react to others and hope that they'll all react like he did.
I'm actually not sure how i feel right now. Relieved? Yes. Happy, i guess? But there's also a very deep anxiety. I've never been so open to anyone and it makes me feel very vulnerable.
Most of my life the opinions of others couldn't really hit me and i'm sure i would have survived it if he rejected me. But i can only guess that it would have hit me harder than i even can imagine.
And he didn't do it. He didn't reject me....
I think i will cry now a little.... I almost never cry, but this time... i cry the tears of relief.
