Self doubt

[LittleBoyBear]

I want to be a boy...

But do I? Really?

I usually don't have a hard time making decisions. I want something, I figure out a way to go do it, or to go get it. I am very goal oriented.

So for me, doubting such a huge decision is giving me fits.

I've always been more male than female. I mean, look back at my childhood. I played more boyish games. I got sneered at by teachers for getting dirty cause I was rolling around with the boys. I got yelled at for sitting backwards on chairs all the time, cause that "how boys sit". I was told in my catholic classes "Remember that god made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.". Then as a teenager. Oh man, did puberty suck. The realization that I was nothing like my friends. The girls who were discovering make up and clothing that made me cringe. Nor the guys who were starting to develop real shoulders and little moustaches. I didn't fit anywhere. And damn, my breasts kept getting larger and more noticable, no matter what I did to hide them. And as an adult. I left home, I cut my hair short. I started styling it in a more edgy fashion. My parents say I look like "A dyke". I like girls, and boys. But I want to look like a boy.I start buying more masculine clothing. Men's pants. Men's underwear. Ties. I like being handsome. Some people say I look like "A stereotypical man-hating dyke". Others say I look sharp.

I discover the word "Queer". That label fits. For awhile. And then a friend says "Transgender". Oh man. That seems to fit, more. Have I "settled" for being Queer? Can I actually become a guy? Be the person I always thought I was, and am? I think I'm a guy. I really do. But then the idea of transitioning hits me and its like a ball getting thrown at your gut. And it makes me wonder. Is this something I really want? Is it something I need? Or am I jumping on some sort of bandwagon? Should I just keep a female body, but act like a guy? Or should I actually make changes, medical, physiological changes, to my body? Will it actually help me? What if none of my problems go away? What if some of them get worse?

What do I want? What do I want? What do I want?

It changes. Sometimes every few minutes. I am arguing with myself. Sometimes I want this, SO BAD. Other times I wonder if I can just stay this way, and avoid all the stress and pain of changing myself. The drama of having to tell everyone in my life. And explaining it to them. What it feels like to hate your body this much. And to feel like you don't match what you are on the inside. And that YES, you have thought about it. Quite a bit, thank you very much. And yes, this is the name that was chosen for me, and that I have called myself for years. And in convincing others, am I convinced myself? I think so, at the moment. But then doubt creeps in. And, ugh, the cycle starts again.

I can't be the only one having the arguement with myself. Please, tell me I'm not the only one...

Please.

-Bear

[Athena]

I think you would be the odd person out if you didn't feel that way.  I also think that you would be well served getting a qualified gender therapist who can work with you so that you can answer the questions you have properly.

[Cin]

You're not the only one.

I doubt myself too. I am a skeptical sort of person.

Maybe you can stay this way, you may find peace by making little changes to yourself, you only need to go as far as you need, it's not all or nothing.

As for me, I'm 23, but still feel like I'm 18 or something. I have no clue as to what I want with regards to relationships, personal life and stuff like that, while everyone around me has seemingly got it all figured out.

My only suggestion would be to try and be 'a guy inside with a female body on the outside' first, not just to yourself, but to other people you care about and want acceptance from, see if it works out for you. if it doesn't, you may want to opt for transition, surgeries and other invasive stuff. Either way, a gender therapist is what you need first.

I argue with myself all the time, you don't need to feel alone

[LittleBoyBear]

I think you would be the odd person out if you didn't feel that way.  I also think that you would be well served getting a qualified gender therapist who can work with you so that you can answer the questions you have properly.

Thanks. I saw her for the second time yesterday. She asked me if I thought that anybody who embarked on a serious quest never doubted themselves. A good point. But that doesn't mean I don't want to share my thoughts with folks here, and see how they're dealing with this. Some people just seem so damn certain...

[Athena]

Usually after many many periods of self doubt

[cynthiaverdejo]

I'm still defining what I want. I'm in the same boat and there are times when I wonder too much and believe me, there's time to figure this out.

Just take it slow. I know it's hard to see that now but it'll become clearer.

[Rachel]

You are not the only one.

I fought and epic war with epic battles for a long time.

In the end of the beginning only one position made me feel more right. So she won and he lost; however, both took major damage over the many years of inner turmoil.

Work with your gender therapist to answer your questions. Go slow and celebrate your victories.

[LittleBoyBear]

Thanks! I passed today (see new topic in ftm forum) and it really hit home. The argument against it is really waning...

[pianoforte]

Just wanna say, you wrote down some of the exact things I've been saying to myself. So you're definitely not alone.

And yeah, passing and the way that feels is certainly convincing... just wish it would happen more often, to build sustained confidence in any transition decisions.

[JoanneB]

Having doubts is a good thing. For me it is also an occupational hazard. I even get doubts about doubts on top of the usual cost benefit ratio and risk analysis.

One thing my support group, as well as therapist, and my wife, keep trying to hammer home to me is stop worrying about the future. "Are you happy now?" is the basic theme. Yes, I am far far happier now then I was 6 years ago prior to taking on the trans beast, for real this time.

Do I need to fully transition? Do I need to go full time? Do I need to take the risk to my career, family, friends, and marriage? The answer, across the board is No. Not right now. Perhaps in the future? Who knows?

Binary thinking does not solely apply to gender.

[PucksWaywardSon]

I'm feeling exactly the same way. I wound up coming out to my mum after I got my haircut a couple of months ago and was chattering about taking some photos in my blazer to show off the new short hair and.. she said "careful, you don't wanna look too much like a boy" umm... actually, about that.... I feel like it's not the first time she's said that either. It's certainly not the first time I had my hair this short, but she's warned me about coming off too boyish every time I think. I just always sort of went with it...

I've seen a few of your posts and I'm nodding along with every single one - dysphoria got worse as soon as I had a name for it, the more research I do the more convinced I am that this is me, am I just getting hooked on the idea somehow? My stupid brain even tells me I'm doing it to be attention-seeking *before I even told anyone* so... yeah.

I too have always been the want-take-have type too, and yet... guy. probably. maybe. I've never been so unsure about anything in my life. But that's the thing - it IS my life, that's huge, so maybe it's ok to embrace the maybe. Emotionally, Everything else is TINY compared to a curveball like being trans.