Lost in what to do

[Alec_t]

Hey there
(English is not my native language so my apologies for any mistakes)
Long writing coming up so be aware :p
So i'm a cis women but from my earliest memories i wanted to be a boy. I have an older brother and my mother olso prefers boys over girls so she din't think any bad obout me dressing as a boy and wanting to have my hair short. around the age of 14 I was already all my life heavily bullied. But bullieng got worse becaus boys of my class starting to grap me trying to find out of i was really a girl and after treating "me as a girl". i changed school and start dressing as a girl an acting like a girl. The bullieng stopt and i like that know i was just normal, slightly introvert but left alone. Years past and i still would prefer to be a boy but a manged the life of a girl.
in previous years and later, I have experienced various forms of abuse by men.
At 26 me and my girlfriend wanted to start a familly and so whe did.
everything went well until we came after the sex of the baby. A boy,.. the abuse of men left me with more mental scars then i knew and the tought of having a men in the house for the coming 18years scared me. I olso have a problem with physical contact with men. I don't wont there skin to touche mine,. I know really stupid i din't think of it befor we made the desion to get pregnant,. I tought my issus would be not that bad i it happend to be a boy.
The issu around him being a boy and having a good relationship with him as possible i'm having therapy for.

But it was hearing it was a boy made my world collapsed on a differt factor to. At first i tryed to deal with it rational.
"I also wanted to be a boy and i a was i woudn't be a men like the men i met privious in my life".
but that thinking has brought my thoughts back to wanting to be a boy. Olso when our son got born the feeling of wanting to be male meself got a lot worse, seening him having that penis i always wanted to have, I realise that i numbed myself from the feeling and i'm just living a emty life trying to be "normal".

I talked to my girlfriend about it and she loves me no matter what. Boy or girl,.
But my world is still shaking. I want to be a boy but i don't wanne be around men. I'm lost and dont know what to do. I love that as a girl i can hang out around girls as just one of the girls. Personaly i really dont like men in social contact. The tought to have to be in a men's present scareds me ( like in a bathroom, if i ever need to be in a hospital having to share a room with a men,,.)

But at the same time i'm really not ok with my body being female. Whe it summer i dress always to heavy becaus i feel really bad about showing my body, at work i always hated to look chic the way a girl "needs to dress"

Really thinking of maybe starting to change and be who i feel inside, but i don't know of it is possible with my issus of being around men.

Any people here who have simelar story's? Of transitioning to male having trauma's about men?

[Alice V]

Hey, Alec.
Though I don't have similar story I feel sorry for you. It's so sad you had such awful experience with men, it certanly had traumatic effect. It seems also that you aren't cis-woman but trans-man. Did you tried to bring that topic to your therapist? Sorry, I have no answers for you but I wish you find your way to deal with tough situation you facing.

And also welcome to Susan's place. Hopefully you'll find here support you're looking for.

[Angelic]

If anything, Alec, this does indeed prove that you are indeed a real boy.

Boys tend to feel uncomfortable around men and not want to be around them.

Being a boy is not often a pleasant, or rewarding experience, so choosing to transition is up to you.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Angelic!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

Things that you should read

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[Angelic]

Hello.

[Alec_t]

Thankx for welcoming me

I spoke with my therapist about it but she also doesnt really know. The only thing they can tell me is that getting over my problem with men is really diffict and that i only can learn to cope with it in a softer maner, but it's really unlikly that it ever would be not present.

If anything, Alec, this does indeed prove that you are indeed a real boy.

Boys tend to feel uncomfortable around men and not want to be around them.

Being a boy is not often a pleasant, or rewarding experience, so choosing to transition is up to you.

What exactly do you mean with this statment?

[RaiJaxO]

I'm also new to this site so I don't know how to work it yet lol... I wrote a whole reply that's a bit sensitive for me to post publicly that I was going to try to message you but I'm not sure how to do that But your struggles reminded me a lot of my own and hopefully if I can figure out what I'm doing I can send it to you

[KathyLauren]

I'm also new to this site so I don't know how to work it yet lol... I wrote a whole reply that's a bit sensitive for me to post publicly that I was going to try to message you but I'm not sure how to do that But your struggles reminded me a lot of my own and hopefully if I can figure out what I'm doing I can send it to you

I think you need to have 15 posts before you can send a PM.  You can see how the site privileges progress at this link: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.