Questions for people who are out to their family

[perrystephens]

1. How did you come out?
2. What were their reactions?
3. If you could go back, what would you do differently?

[Jessica Merriman]

1. How did you come out?
2. What were their reactions?
3. If you could go back, what would you do differently?

1-I just told them what was going on with no beating around the bush. I gave them the medical info I had and made it clear a decision had been made to which I would not change my mind at all. I then posted my coming out on my male Facebook page and invited positive replies to friend me on my new female page. Funny thing is I went from 17 friends to over 130 within 24 hours. It was incredible! I then closed my male page and life forever.

2. Total and absolute shock! Over the first 6 months they displayed all the classic signs of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. They did not accept very long though before I got a certified letter from the family attorney telling me I was no longer part of the family. Locks were changed on all family buildings and I was told if I am found on family land I will be arrested for trespassing. My wife and daughter left and I have not seen them since. My son (who is wonderful) has remained with me throughout it all. He is quite a catch girls, so line up now! 

3. I would not do anything differently at all. It worked out how it did and no other approach would have worked any better. I am happy and free for the first time in my life and I love it! 

[Blue Senpai]

1. I was writing a letter for my parents but I told my mother outright when pressured and my mom just straight up told my dad since we're on a silent treatment. I just sent a text to my brother and my uncle still doesn't know but I will tell him via e-mail. The rest of the extended family doesn't know and will never know so when my voice sounds unrecognizable by T, I imagine my mom is going to have to say I've died or something because I can guarantee my extended family will not understand at all.

2. What were their reactions?

Mom: That's it?
Dad: She says he's not bothered by it but I really don't know. He's tolerating it since I'm not kicked out.
Brother: If it's going to make you happy, then I say do it.

3. If you could go back, what would you do differently?

Probably should have just given them the letter, my mom just plain doesn't want to talk about it now and when she does, it's to talk about a recent article about how some person detransitioned or someone regrets it. She still uses my birth name and female pronouns in Spanish and using words like "reina" and "hija". Probably should have been more upfront about that.

[ImagineKate]

1. I just told her. I didn't beat around the bush. I said, "every night I go to bed wishing I would wake up as a woman." I'm not out to my parents and my kids don't understand yet.

2. Shock is an understatement. She has basically been bipolar with me ever since. One day good one day angry and mean. Another day good and yet another mean mean mean. One day talking divorce and sleeping downstairs another day begging me to hug her in bed.

3. No. It had to be done. It's actually quite a relief to be out. I dress at home and with home out of the way I can move forward with obvious things like hair removal, hormones and transitioning at work.

[EmmaD]

1. How did you come out?
2. What were their reactions?
3. If you could go back, what would you do differently?

I am still in the transition process with about 4 weeks before full time.  That said....

1.  My immediate family - wife didn't need telling!  She has been with me the whole way.  Kids - they were 17 & 18 so I just told them but played it down a bit.  Brothers and sisters are in another country.  I emailed one sister about 2 weeks ago and blurted it out.  She told my 2 brothers and other sister.  Both parents and in laws and all grandparents have passed so the family is not very extended.

2.  At the point I told my brothers and sisters, I had been on HRT for 12 months, a month away from full time and telling work (but well into the planning process with HR), a month from FFS and 2 months after my legal name change so very advanced in the process.  Reaction from both sisters has been very supportive.  Both asked why I hadn't said anything before given the process has obviously been going on for years.  Eldest brother had to think about it for a while and is supportive but worried about my employment.  All of this is being filtered by my sisters (both older) so I wonder about what my brothers really think or have said.  Heard nothing from the brother 18 months older.  Given I haven't seen most of them for 18 months, this sort of communication is normal for us.  In our family, when female relatives pass away, rings are passed down to female family members.  My mum passed in May 2013 and I have been offered a choice of rings of hers that haven't found homes yet.  Lovely gesture but I am certain it is driven by one of my sisters.  It needed to be agreed by them all first.

3.  This is all very recent.  We have lived in different countries for 15 years so involving them more would have been hard.  It would have been nice to say something when we were visiting but all visits over the pass 3 or 4 years have been to see Mum before she died.  The time didn't seem right and I was pre-HRT at that time.  My sisters knew something was wrong but say they would never have guessed what it was.  So while saying something earlier might have worked for them, I am not sure it would have for me.  I am not sure Mum would have understood at all.  It just is what it is.

[immortal gypsy]

Round 1 age someteen and oh a few months

1. How did you come out?
2. What were their reactions?
3. If you could go back, what would you do differently?

Straight up told mum while she was sitting down holding my baby baby brother. This is who I am this is what I want to do will you help me. Here I can help show you some information if you like

Her reaction I guess I'm not getting grandchildren then,  (I have two brothers two sisters). Agreed she would like to look at some information, but then the emotional abuse and the no you can not do this while you live here. Yes she didn't look at the information

If I could do anything different I wouldn't of let her get me down. I had my own card to see the doctors I should of bit the bullet and gone to a G.P behind her back used my schools counselor and told more of my family looking for support there, (ie aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents).


Round 2: Age someteen and a oh few months (hey you should here some of the creative numbers we make up for our age )

1) Told my mum straight up in a restaurant over lunch first referenced our past conversation and this time told her I was on hormones, so this is happening
2) What about baby brother have you thought of him. So this mean your going to your sister's wedding in a dress? (For the record I live and die in jeans and t-shirts). Don't know if she has come around and accepted yet, but since my fathers death we are talking again. Still don't know if she is going to help me with the rest of the family so I trip up North may be on the cards as I usually prefer face to face
3)Not a thing right now, yes only one in my family knows but I have a firm support base so if they want to cut me a drift. Well it's up to them

[ElDudette]

1. How did you come out?
2. What were their reactions?
3. If you could go back, what would you do differently?

1. My sisters I told over the phone. I came out to my parents during a family meeting when my mom & dad asked "Is there anything else anyone needs to say?"
2.My sisters had a few seconds of initial shock, but accepted it really quick and even started using female pronouns w/ out me saying anything.
   My parents were shocked and confused, my dad took to the request to use female pronouns and was mindful of it for the evening. My mom shocked me honestly. I was more worried than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, and she just accepted it.   It'll be a while before the parental units get the knack for consistently using my preferred name & pronouns, but tis expected..
3.I would have prepared a statement & read it, rather than mentally rehearse what I was going to say since I ended up crawling a bit outside of what I was going to say.

[Cindy]

1. How did you come out?

Invited them all to dinner and when I opened the door I was dressed as me. Told them my name was Cindy, they were welcome to stay for dinner, if they couldn;t accept me that was fine and they could leave.

2. What were their reactions?
Two brother in laws asked if they could watch the soccer on TV, one sister in law said 'about time'., other went into some sort of shock, mother in law said as long as I looked after her daughter (my wife) she was fine with anything I did.

3. If you could go back, what would you do differently?

Do it 40 years earlier

[Ash]

1. Was about to start my laser sessions so I went up to mama to tell her what I plan on doing.

2. Venomous? Vicious. Thought she'd be kinda cool somewhat. No problem being a gay male. And she works with plenty of trans nurses in the hospital. Pure hatred though was the reaction.
Even still she's pretty horrible about it. Not as bad as the first few weeks, but almost anything girly that happens she'll flare up again.
She also told the father but we rarely speak so? He thinks I just need help rather than any feelings on the matter.

3. Not told her?
Well at least not so early.

[akegia]

1. How did you come out?
2. What were their reactions?
3. If you could go back, what would you do differently?

1. I just sat down with most of them and told them, gave them my Hormones to look over, some paper work from the DRs. The ones that where not local, I messaged on FB or called them.

2. Most were just okay, whatever you want to do. So far no one has been negative about it

3. Honestly nothing, I think I and they handled it perfectly.

[FTMax]

1. How did you come out?
2. What were their reactions?
3. If you could go back, what would you do differently?

1. My parents are divorced. My mom is very well versed in all things LGBTQ, so I just flat out told her "I'm transgender and I am planning to transition and live as a guy." Dad and stepmom are both very religious, but also open-minded school teachers so they've had diversity training and there are trans kids in their school. I originally wrote them a letter and was planning to give it to them, let them read it, then answer their questions. I got super nervous and ended up crying before I could get the letter out to show them, and ended up just telling them in the same way I told my mom (except with a lot of blubbering).

2. Mom said she already knew and had known for a while. She asked what my timeline was and if I had already picked out a name. She gave me a brief mental list of family members that she thought might take issue with it and told me that we didn't need to associate with them if they ended up being jerks. With my dad and stepmom, we all hugged it out (I was crying and they are both huggers). They admitted that they didn't get it, but they still love me and would support me. They asked a lot of questions, and admitted that they would probably struggle with pronouns but would absolutely work on everything. Then it turned into amateur comedy hour and my dad started cracking jokes to try and make me feel better ("Hey, if we got into a peeing for distance contest, who do you think would win?").

3. I super underestimated my dad and stepmom and their ability to be accepting. I wasted a lot of time writing a letter than I didn't need, getting all kinds of worked up when I didn't need to, etc. If I could go back, I'd like to approach it all with a more level head and a more personal approach. I think it went incredibly well for me though.

[Julia-Madrid]

1. How did you come out?
2. What were their reactions?
3. If you could go back, what would you do differently?

Let's see....

1.  With family in 3 countries, I wrote a two-part email, informed them that something important would be coming, and hit "send".  The first part of the letter was a personal account of my past, present and future as a transgender person.  The second part attempted to answer a few key questions they were likely to have.

2.  Shock, disbelief and full support, and a few tearful conversations.

3.  I would involve them much earlier.  My parents in particular were indignant, saying that their love was unconditional and why had I not felt able to bring them in from the beginning.

I am very aware that I have had a particularly positive experience with my family, and I am very grateful to them.

3. I super underestimated my dad and stepmom and their ability to be accepting. I wasted a lot of time writing a letter than I didn't need, getting all kinds of worked up when I didn't need to, etc. If I could go back, I'd like to approach it all with a more level head and a more personal approach. I think it went incredibly well for me though.

Actually FTmax, while you might have got yourself worked up, I am sure that the time you spent working on your letter gave you even more certainly that you were doing the right thing by transitioning.  It had its value.

Julia

[FTMax]

Actually FTmax, while you might have got yourself worked up, I am sure that the time you spent working on your letter gave you even more certainly that you were doing the right thing by transitioning.  It had its value.

Julia, you're definitely right about that. Writing everything out had a huge personal takeaway value, and it did help to answer a lot of the questions that came up during that conversation. So, not really time wasted at all. 

[LordKAT]

Newspaper did it for me. It worked out  well far as I'm concerned.

[missymay]

My parents were over for a visit about a week after I was diagnosed with GID, and I had an upcoming Dr. appointment for starting HRT.  Anyway, I was alone with my mother, and I decided to tell her.  It was hard to get the words out; I started with "mom, I need to tell you something" and then I paused for a bit, and she said "what is it? just say it. are you gay?" and then I just came out and told her that I was suppose to be a woman, and that I was seeking treatment to change my body from male to female.  She was in disbelief, and told me that I needed to see a psychologist, and when I told her that I was already seeing one, and the psychologist recommended that I transition; my mother, said, that I needed to see a different one, because that psychologist did not know what they were talking about.  And that was her attitude for the next few years.  If I had it to do over I wouldn't have come out to her so early on.

[Mariah]

1. How did you come out?
2. What were their reactions?
3. If you could go back, what would you do differently?

1. Everyone I told I made sure to inform them of all medical related pieces and that this was something I had been dealing with since a young age. I made sure they knew that my waiting any longer would cause me more harm than the other medical issues I was already dealing with.

2. Most saw this coming and were excepting. A few were shocked. One was so shocked when I told them on facebook that he swore up and down that my old account was hacked. He literary made me prove who I was. What convinced him of my identy was the fact that their was a situation that both him and I had been at that only a few people would know. Once I did that he believed me.

3. I would love to say I would have done it 20 years ago, but I'm not sure I would have been mentally ready to handle transitioning. So I will have to say I wouldn't change anything.