I appear to have lost most of my post. I was explaining that I tried dressing as a child / teen but I looked so terrible that I assumed I'd never be able to do it. My view was that if I can't look female, I don't want to do it at all. So I suppressed the urge even though I still identified heavily in a female way. I'd look at other females, and the occasional crossdressers, with extreme envy that they were able to go about presenting themselves in a feminine way.
Then with the growth of the Internet, I was suddenly able to read guides on makeup, clothing, buy better wigs etc, and my confidence increased.
It's not a sexual thing with me, and this is what's put me off so many places so far. There is often a heavy sex / fetish bias to the people I've seen and spoken to, which just doesn't match my feelings at all. I also found a lot of people I was contacting or met in clubs didn't really think about looking female aside from sticking on a wig, eyeliner and clothes, and thinking that was enough (not meant as disrespect to anyone, but I hope that makes sense?); I'm not saying I am better than any of those people, far from it, but they just never seemed to have the same concerns as me.
What I really want to do is become as female as I can without transitioning. I do not intend to have HRT or anything like that, I'm happy achieving a level of androgynous appearance, going between the two as I wish. I already go out as female at regular intervals in normal life, and reaction is fine, but I dont kid myself and there are several telltale signs.
To that end, I've had mild rhinoplasty, will be having lip lift surgery next month, and eventually Id like brow bossing and jaw/chin surgery. I dont have much head hair so its wigs only. I am realistic about what can be achieved but I know I can improve my existing appearance a great deal. I do realise mannerisms also play a part.
I dont know how many guys take these fairly drastic steps whilst retaining primarily male, but I can't be the only one surely [emoji4]
I also apologise because I feel my wants are pretty insubstantial and I already have a level of support from my wife. It might even feel a bit insulting compared to the struggle some of you are going through. But I would like to join this community because ultimately regardless of how far I intend to go, deep down I do feel I am transgendered and it's been pretty much a lifelong source of joy / anxiety. I'll probably never fully figure it out but I'm going to try
