Took a weekend trip for me to realize.. how much I have changed in a year..

[carrie359]

Ok so I go with my wife on a long weekend trip .. a place we used to go all the time before I came out and started transition.. we had one last person to come out to so we finally made the trip.. this person did not recognize me at all........ But was totally cool with it.. and he is 85 years old... nothing in the relationship has changed... Now out to every person I know in my personal life...
The thing is.. last time I was there I was 240lbs and now weigh in the 160 range.. and my hair is long  and I have the chest thing that is so hard to hide.
Anyway we always stay free in this awesome place and first time I looked in the mirror I was shocked for some reason..
Think its because I was in my old dude territory..for the fist time since transition started.
It was an emotional thing I did not expect to look in the mirror and go... whoa its kinda hard to tell if I am a dude or woman.
We went into a bar and the dude said come on in ladies???  and I was in dude mode..
I know I am going to pass.. no big deal there but problem is... If I try to look like a dude I don't really totally look that way so I confuse people..
So now I am kind of paranoid.. about going out... because I see myself for how I have changed.. like totally.. Not sure why I did not see it before..
Suppose why this is called transition.. its a process and there are steps to it...
Hardest thing I have ever done..  Not sure why I am bummed ..think its because I don't like feeling awkward.. I get looks.. sometimes from dudes... and I did not realize part of my male privilege loss comes from men and women... we went to several clubs in this really cool town so I interacted with lots of people... nothing negative.. really but just different..
I know I should be happy.. but..think I was actually missing me.. this weekend.. therapy tuesday should be most interesting.. got lots to talk about... seriously
Carrie 🙂

[Stochastic]

Anyway we always stay free in this awesome place and first time I looked in the mirror I was shocked for some reason..
Think its because I was in my old dude territory..for the fist time since transition started.

I know I should be happy.. but..think I was actually missing me.. this weekend.. therapy tuesday should be most interesting.. got lots to talk about... seriously
Carrie

Hi Carrie,

I pulled out two quotes from your message. This was something I was thinking about and wanted to post. Not sure if this reflects what you are thinking, but here is how I feel of my situation.

I am on HRT and do not plan to transition within the immediate future. However, both physical and mental changes were needed to manage my dysphoria. I was reviewing the stages of grief for my wife. She is losing her husband slowly day by day and is having a difficult time. I soon discovered that maybe I am also feeling loss for my old life.

I can certainly understand when many here transition without ever looking back. While dysphoria is making it difficult for me to stay male, being male was not that bad. I certainly have many good memories. Because of changes, maintaining qualities of my past life is becoming more difficult. I have a hard time with this some days. Is this similar to how you are feeling, or did I miss the mark?

[carrie359]

Hi Stochastic,
Well yes.. I did feel that way.. and still do.... I am doing therapy again next week and had an extended session today.
I will say that although I was shocked how much I have changed I liked what I saw.. I think for the first time I saw what everyone else was seeing..
Honestly, I am not sure how anyone can go on hormones and not transition.. but some do... I think..
I have tried twice to stop.. and never lasted more than maybe two days..
Really for me its not a choice now.. I was ready to end it last year..in fact I really thought after six months I would figure out I could not transition would end it ..
I almost transitioned when I was younger but married with young kids and other factors did not do it... pretended to get cured through church.. but I really tried to get church therapy and work hard at it but when It did not work I just felt more shame and went into the closet.
So, now a shell of my old self... my hair getting long I have a chest I can barely hide... I like my hair.. love becoming a woman.. but.......... losing the one I love more than anything is a pain I cannot even begin to even describe... I honestly do not think I will ever be totally happy....without her.. without my old life..  but sometimes GID just is too strong to fight.. and even though I see the slippery slop to womanhood and I am on my way I won't stop... even though I wish I could..  If you do not have a good therapist find one.. do not accept anything but one who is really good...accept no less than an experienced person and I prefer a woman to a dude therapist any day.
Carrie