Had my 2nd session this just past Tuesday..

[ElDudette]

Grab a drink, it's wall-of-text & run-on sentence time

I had my 2nd session this week. We touched a bit more on childhood years and a bit more into family dynamics.  Talked a bit on my suicide attempts in my 20's, lightly touched on when I was married how long + how long the ex and I dated prior.  I told her about my shopping trip with my Lil'Sis the Saturday prior, and how great it made me feel even though I was nervous with all the people around in the first store we went to.  I also told her about an incident that happened on Monday, where I came home from work and put on my fav skirt, my 't-shirt' bra, and a tank-top, and that I started feeling a chest aching happy, which became strong enough that I started sobbing, and got dizzy and dis-coordinated to the point (I couldn't even type or see strait with home much my body was 'humming' for lack of a good way to describe it) that I went to my room layed on my bed and squeezed my pillow hard while still crying, and sobbed myself out cold, and slept for 15-20 min until a txt message woke me up. And that I felt massively super-awesome and energetic after I woke up and that I had to sit on my hands to keep from shouting "I know who I am!" and outting myself to more than the few that already know. Which turned into a short back and forth conversation about  how empowering it is to know one's identity, with a slight side bar about why I activly am trying to keep a lid on things (people that I know will be difficult to deal with, I can't recall if I brought up the thought of trying to stay stealth.) She asked me about what I was in school for,  and told me the rather interesting reason why several of the major manufactures have fairly comprehensive gender policies.  I brought up that since all this started than my interest in finding a partner had dropped to nearly zilch (which she said is fairly common for people in the middle of figuring themselves out.) I told her about having worked at an ISP help desk, and I had swore off ever having another office job, yet these days i find meself thing about getting back into studing IT (I was looking into it about the time the DotCom bubble broke and saturated the job field with candidates) so I could get an office job and wear cute office attire. I also brought up that I had also lost my vehement desire to walk away from every, shun society and go live off the land out in the woods somewhere where the world couldn't bother me. Which I said that when I had reflect on it, it might have really been an attempt to run away from myself more than anything (which she nodded and said that, that was very possible.)  Towards the end of the session she complimented me on my nails and she hadn't been sure if I had a manicure or I did them myself (they were cartoon purple w/ a dab of silver at the tips.)  So I told her about how they were a slightly less grand version of something I'd tried the week prior using silver + high gloss red, and goffed up.  At the end of session we talked about names & what name I'd like her to call me, and to let her know if that changes as some people try out a few names before settling on the one they take up. I told her that I was mulling over variations of the name I'd gone by online for most of the last decade (I'm thinking of going with the original Irish name origin since the 'ette' suffix makes it sound french and I decisively look Scots-Irish and that a name that matches looks garners less 2nd glances.) I mentioned to her that I periodically mentally hiccup or pause when hearing my birth-name anymore, and that calling me by the shortened version of the name I was thinking of would be good as I'm used to my online friends only calling me by that.


TL:DR version: Great session, I like my therapist, she's real easy for me to open up to and talk about stuff.... XD

[Brenda E]

Quite a marathon session!

Liking your therapist and feeling comfortable opening up is so important.  I'm glad you two have clicked and that she sounds like a no-nonsense gal who isn't playing games or wasting your time.  You'll get a lot out of therapy, trust me.

[ElDudette]

Yeah, I'm glad her and I jive well (I was like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs back when I went for the first session). Three sessions in now, and I'm already getting a good amount out of it. I'll walk out feeling good, and going "an hour flew by quick!" This week we looked at my early 20's & marriage a bit more in depth and into the self harm i'd done over the years (cutting, self flagellation, etc, none of it for pleasure.) also delved into the 7-13 years looking around at my earliest memories of dressing up. And stumbled across a memory of watching Phil Donahue or another show like it from late 80's (early early 90's) where they had a guest on that had  gone MtFtM. Which turned into a light discussion on the sensationalizing that goes on typically with MtF as the common one being tossed in the spot light    

[Jill F]

And stumbled across a memory of watching Phil Donahue or another show like it from late 80's (early early 90's) where they had a guest on that had  gone MtFtM. Which turned into a light discussion on the sensationalizing that goes on typically with MtF as the common one being tossed in the spot light

OMG, those talk shows really did a disservice to all of us who were still in denial or closeted.  For my entire life I could never turn off a TV program that involved transfolk, but there were a few episodes of Donahue, Springer and the like that made me want to nail my closet door shut permanently.

When I was in college, I worked for an extremely conservative guy who was very anti-LGBT.   One day after work, he invited me to his house for beers and made me watch an episode of Donahue that he taped.  The subject matter was "guys who had sex changes only to become lesbians".  Of course, to me, I was like "no big deal, if I woke up female tomorrow, I'd still be into girls", but my boss thought it was hilariously funny and effed up and that these people should essentially be used for target practice, drawn and quartered, et cetera ad nauseum.   

Years later, I saw a few Springer episodes where people came out on the show to their SOs and families, and it never, ever ended well.  Everyone was rejected, disowned and royally shat upon.  What I took away from that was to take me deepest, darkest secret to the grave no matter what.  And I almost did- twice inside of a month.

Sadly, I think that most people know all they know about transgender people from staged unrepresentative samples like this, and the damage it has done to the trans* community is immeasurable.

[ElDudette]

"no big deal, if I woke up female tomorrow, I'd still be into girls"

Heh, reminds me of remarks i've made in the past before my Zero-Day(when the puzzle pieces fell together for me.)  These days though I feel I still have a bias for women, but my eyes and thoughts dart around enough  though I suspect I fall in the pan-sexual realm.. It's a bit hard for me to tell for certain/self examine, as since Zero-Day, thoughts & emotions in that department dialed way down in loudness. Which I'll explore all that when ever it is that the volume rolls back up to where it's more than whisper quiet.

Years later, I saw a few Springer episodes where people came out on the show to their SOs and families, and it never, ever ended well.  Everyone was rejected, disowned and royally shat upon.  What I took away from that was to take me deepest, darkest secret to the grave no matter what.  And I almost did- twice inside of a month.

Sadly, I think that most people know all they know about transgender people from staged unrepresentative samples like this, and the damage it has done to the trans* community is immeasurable.

Pretty much what my therapist and I's parting remarks on those shows & their ilk, were.  Really bad first exposure.

[Jessika]

Grab a drink, it's wall-of-text & run-on sentence time


TL:DR version: Great session, I like my therapist, she's real easy for me to open up to and talk about stuff.... XD

This pretty much was my first session yesterday I have my second session on Tuesday and do not know what to expect.
I was also thinking if I should dress in Girl mode or not. Havn't decided yet and it depends on the weather. 

[Mariah]

Dress anyway you feel comfortable. I wouldn't worry about rushing it. When your ready you will dress in Girl Mode. My second session we just went into a lot more detail from the groundwork that was put in place from that first session. I mostly had everything figured out long before this session or even the first session occurred. I would expect more of the same.
Mariah

This pretty much was my first session yesterday I have my second session on Tuesday and do not know what to expect.
I was also thinking if I should dress in Girl mode or not. Havn't decided yet and it depends on the weather. 

[ElDudette]

This pretty much was my first session yesterday I have my second session on Tuesday and do not know what to expect.
I was also thinking if I should dress in Girl mode or not. Havn't decided yet and it depends on the weather. 

Dress what ever way is comfortable for you. I've gone guy mode, since all 3 times I've had a physical therapy appointment for my back shortly after I'd get out of Therapy.. and the weather has been wet-cold and windy here    Though I don't skip painting my nails or wearing my hoodie that I dyed the liner purple (it is to me what the Blue Blanket is to Linus).

[Jessika]

Dress what ever way is comfortable for you. I've gone guy mode, since all 3 times I've had a physical therapy appointment for my back shortly after I'd get out of Therapy.. and the weather has been wet-cold and windy here    Though I don't skip painting my nails or wearing my hoodie that I dyed the liner purple (it is to me what the Blue Blanket is to Linus).

Ironic, I went to PT today for my upper back/shoulder in Guy mode. I have natural long nails and a top coat on them, not sure if he noticed. Know what's kinda funny? Most of my life I had a bad habit of biting my nails down to where they hurt. I have not done that in like 4 yrs now. I let them grow and trim,shape and paint as I please.
I used to put False nails on but I had no sense of Long nails so I could not control how to grab stuff ect. Now with natural nails it's no issue knowing the nail boundary.

Love them.

[cynthiaverdejo]

I actually am going to therapy and love that he's giving me ideas on how to accept myself. I have major issues with myself as a person, regardless of gender.

It's starting to really make me question what I really define as gender.

[ElDudette]

Ironic, I went to PT today for my upper back/shoulder in Guy mode. I have natural long nails and a top coat on them, not sure if he noticed. Know what's kinda funny? Most of my life I had a bad habit of biting my nails down to where they hurt. I have not done that in like 4 yrs now. I let them grow and trim,shape and paint as I please.
I used to put False nails on but I had no sense of Long nails so I could not control how to grab stuff ect. Now with natural nails it's no issue knowing the nail boundary.

Love them.

images aren't working for me

I painted mine a dark candy-red colour today. I think I might wear my red+black skirt & one of my maching keffiyehs to therapy tomorrow.. depends if it's windy and rainy.