Hey everyone, sorry to be a bother. I know everyone has their own things to tend to but , if you don't mind, I'm genuinely just asking for someone to talk to. I'm deathly scared to talk in person to anyone, be it in a room or on the phone, either way I've never really been open with anyone at all, much less myself. I hope you can take the time to read this and, if possible, maybe someone can point me in the right direction. I'm very sorry if you feel this is too long but I'll strive to condense it to the point where it doesn't take up too much of your time.
I'm a 23 year old male living with my sister, whom of which I adore more than anything in the world. She's very open about homosexuality and she's even taken me to around Halstead where normally a lot gays congregate. I've never actually told her that I have interests in men, despite how open she is. I suppose it comes from the years of repression, being in a predominantly masculine male family with two brothers; one who does kick boxing and the other a bike mechanic. I've always tried to suppress my thoughts even though I knew it was wrong. My father was a fairly high-ranked official in the Vietnam army during the Kennedy presidency and has always tried his best to straighten me in to being a respectable man.
However, during my time in junior high I started to develop feminine mannerisms of which I hadn't really noticed until I saw another boy acting the same way. Not only was I trying to hide my self from my family but I was also trying to hide from the world outside. I noticed how other boys and girls would talk about him, about how he'd laugh or walk a certain way. I'm not sure how I evaded that same humiliation but when I heard them gossiping constantly I quickly started to adapt towards being more masculine.
Sometimes I would watch a show in the living room and my father would come in and change it to something else. Until that point I assumed watching shows like Sailor Moon, Carebears, or the Powerpuff Girls was normal but my father quickly made me realize that it was only normal if you were a girl, which I wasn't. Against my will we'd watch war movies like Platoon and the Thin Red Line, both of which made me very scared and I would cringe every time someone died or there was a big explosion. Even after seeing how afraid I was, my father still made me watch war movies with him but I was never truly interested too much of the gore that Hollywood seems to be so keen on serving to the audience.
Fast forwarding to my teen years, the only thing I can recall vividly is how much I tried so hard to fit in with the guys. I grew a fairly thick mustache, worked out and played baseball for the school team. I altered my pitch to sound more masculine which today sounds pretty normal for a guy, but in those days I would lose sleep in fear of having others catch on to my feminine mannerisms. All the while wearing a fake smile so that nobody could see how miserable I was. I admit that it's unhealthy to not be yourself, but being a very vulnerably person it was hard for me to really talk to anyone normally or act the way that I truly felt was me.
There were only a few times where somehow I managed to add a little femininity (including make up) to my look but at the same time I had to conceal it in the open so that I wouldn't alert the people in my family. Ever since I could remember I've been living in a shell of depression. I've sought help and was prescribed medication but it didn't last. I've managed to at least find some means to live but it's mostly due to my family's sadness if I actually took my own life.
Even now I feel that I'm living a terribly written fantasy that has no happy ending. Over and over I wonder about my existence and often question if it's worth it to go on. The person I am now, moreover, the man I am now is but an image that I was forced to create. I often fantasize about being a woman. About the things I'd do, the kind of hairstyles I'd wear, the kind of dresses I'd sport. When my sister isn't home I would try on some of her more moderate clothes (she used to be an avid party girl with some really skimpy dresses). I feel guilty for doing it but it's really the only time where I can try to live out the person that I was meant to be (I'm getting pretty good at make up as well).
I'm in need of talking to someone but feel that I'm not financially able to find a good enough therapist to talk to which is why I've chosen to talk here. I don't ever remember being truly happy or even getting a good nights rest without some form of medication. The reason why I'm talking about this now is because for the pass few months I've been researching what it meant to be transgender, and as time goes on I feel that there may be a day where it's just too much to live a lie and actually do something I'd regret.
I don't want to live this way anymore. I feel that I deserve more but I don't how to go about obtaining this dream that I have. There's not a single day that goes by that I don't think about it. If you can offer any advice I would really appreciate it. I'm really didn't intend on making this so long but it would appear that things don't always go as planned which is pretty much how I felt since I was a child.
As mentioned before, I have done a fair amount of research. I've read countless blogs, seen countless videos about transgenders. Honestly, the main thing I can say as of this moment is that the more and more I read about these people, the more I continue to notice how happy and fulfilled they are. I'm tired of lying, despite becoming so good at it. Anyways, thank you all for taking the time to read my story. Mind you, there is a lot more to this but as I've said, I've tried to condense so that it doesn't appear that I'm intentionally harping on about myself. I know I'm only one of millions of other stories out there.
Anyways, that's me. I wish all of you the best of look in your journeys. Thank you all for listening.
- Dreaming
