Is this really happening?

[Monica Jean]

After 40 years dealing with dysphoria and 3+ decades alongside depression of some sort, worse the last 5-10 years, I have to pinch myself and ask "IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?"  Or am I in a dream?

In the last 7-8 weeks...
—had my Fork-in-the-road moment, chose life as a woman.
—started therapy
—started HRT (into 2nd month now)
—no longer depressed for the first time in my life!
—I can understand my emotions for the first time, it's not just a big muddy mess of yuck inside my heart and mind!
—So far, everyone I've come out to has embraced me deeply...from a staunchly conservative Christian friend, to a known person in the music industry, to a business owner/client of mine who offered me a place to stay(!), and to a hair stylist/makeup acquaintence. 
—While I don't expect everyone to accept me, I'm amazed at the support so far, far beyond my dreams!
—lost 18 pounds so far since the middle of last month (6 weeks)
—now have very small boobies with buds growing
—I NOW LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND ENJOY MY BODY, espeically my chest.  I have breasts growing! I've never looked in the mirror and liked what I saw, now I do! 
—growing my nails out
—now have energy, lethargy and fatigue are seemingly a thing of the past.  Unless I stay up all night worrying about people's reactions to coming out or other of life's worrisome things. 


After 40 years of pushing every emotion back into the painful place known as my heart, it's surreal to watch things happen after a major decision has been made.  Change in a positive direction of becoming the female that I've always pushed aside is humbling, freeing, stress-relieving, and an honor.  Not many get to do this even though I have never chose to be trans, I accept it and will make the very best of it. 

Like getting saving for a home for years, getting the loan to buy it and finish the purch, then watching it being built...it's awe-inspiring! 

Surreal I tell you!  In a good way of course.  IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?!?! I'M OVERJOYED!!!!!

One lesson I've learned recently: just don't slam the newborn girls into anything OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[justpat]

  Welcome to the hitting the wall group. I did it at 63.  Yes to accept yourself is wonderful and the journey can be filled with unexpected surprises like people actually accepting you. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would receive the support that I have. Good luck and follow your dream it can be very rewarding.   Patty

[Jade_404]

This is VERY inspiring !!!

[Wynternight]

You and me both, sister! I started HRT two months ago, electrolysis three months ago and I see differences in my skin, body, face, and emotions. Sometimes I wonder the same thing: is this real and you know what? It is! 

[April_TO]

I am very inspired by your share. It has indeed made my day xoxo
Great work girl!

[Michelle G]

YAY! I am SO happy for you

Isn't the best feeling ever to finally feel like you real self!

[kathyk]

It's incredibly difficult to start, and so wonderful once we do.  The first few months are sometimes difficult, yet so rewarding.  I'm happy you're having a great ride down the road. 

[Monica Jean]

Yes, indeed it is great to finally be myself!  I have my ups and downs daily, there's no all-day-buzz for me, at least not at this stage, and I don't expect ever. Even with all this, it's wonderful to feel grounded properly even in the midst of the sh** storm of emotions as I come out to my family.

My prayer to God after my fork-in-the-road moment was never that I am so very thankful to be trans.  Oh no! Rather it was "I accept this portion".

Acceptance of self.  Finally. 

 

[Monica Jean]

Came out to my sister today. She was surprised, but thoughtful and asked for time to digest it all. I told her to take all the time needed and ask away with any and all questions.

She seemed to almost take it matter-of-factly. I'll know more tomorrow when we talk.

Wow. I expected the worst, didn't get that result. So far at least. Hopefully never though.

Feels good to be open and honest with her. Finally.

[Rachel]

Congratulations Michelle,

I am very happy for you.

Odd feeling expecting the floor to drop out when you disclose but then it doesn't happen and it is just a wonderful feeling. 

[franie]

 Congratulations Michelle,
I made the  leap   23 years ago, at times it has been a little rough but I have never regretted  it.
It is so wonderful to be able to be the real you.

lv
Franie

[Monica Jean]

Had lunch with a trans friend yesterday as our schedules finally meshed. During lunch we laughed and traded stories of our transitions like the loud women in the table adjacent to us. It was a grande time being open and free to just 'be'.

During tthe conversation a thought occurred to me:this is the best day of my life...out with a friend sharing everything about our lives, dysphoria gone, depression gone, my emotions are not anxiety-ridden, a client of mine showed amazing support this week....it doesn't get any better than this! Even with the wave of crap that is coming my way when I come out to my family this coming week. Some how there is peace in the midst of the storm...

It made tears well up in my eyes as the emotions overtook me, in a very positive way. I am so very thankful for my friend and yesterday.

This is really happeming ...

[Monica Jean]

Yes, this is really happening.  Came out to the wife & kids last night.  Kids are like "huh??"  Wife won't have anything to do with it. Period. 

The sad thing is when I was telling her, she did not want to hear my heart...the pain, the depression, and all that.  I get that she needs tons of time to run through the 5 stages of grief, but my heart would not be heard.

Marriages where the heart will not be heard aren't fun, but I keep trying

Don't know where this wiil land...


So yes, this is really happening, and not every day is a wonderful day. 

[franie]

Michelle1,
You are going throughout the most painful part of transiting,  it is always hard when children are involved. The person you must  keep in mind  is You.
This is something that you have wanted and needed for a very long time now you are becoming the person that you want to be. It seems we must go through pain before we can arrive  at the place were we are really happy in life!

[Monica Jean]

This indeed is the most painful part. The never ending cyclical argument that I have no faith that God can cure me.

Then they refuse to go deep with my reply "I guess me and a million other TG people have no faith either."

Fun times.

[LizMarie]

My "bell rang" when I was at the edge of choosing death or being me. I chose me.

My adult sons didn't take that well at all, with the eldest even telling me they'd all have been better off with me dead than transitioning, yet despite these very painful losses, my life today is happier than ever before. With my therapist I am getting through all this and learning to let go of the negative people in my life, even if I mistakenly thought they loved me once.

So no matter what comes, you can do this, and on the other side is a new life, a life for you, not for everyone else. If they can't deal with that, it's their loss.

[Monica Jean]

My "bell rang" when I was at the edge of choosing death or being me. I chose me.

My adult sons didn't take that well at all, with the eldest even telling me they'd all have been better off with me dead than transitioning, yet despite these very painful losses, my life today is happier than ever before. With my therapist I am getting through all this and learning to let go of the negative people in my life, even if I mistakenly thought they loved me once.

So no matter what comes, you can do this, and on the other side is a new life, a life for you, not for everyone else. If they can't deal with that, it's their loss.

Liz, I'm seeing a strong trend in what you said regarding being much happier after transitioning even with the deep pain of being rejected by one's own flesh and blood. 

Others have said the same too.

To be happy even after all that speaks volumes of the intense pain felt prior,  but are people listening?

[Monica Jean]

It's official,  wife knows I'm taking E now.  Our convo this morning was every bit as bad as I thought it would be. 

When does it truly start to get better?

[TSJasmine]

Awww this must be so nice n__n it really is a great feeling isn't it? I'm glad you're finally able to be yourself & get the support you need. Good luck in your transition! (:

[LizMarie]

Michelle, you have to let your spouse make her own choices and then you have to accept them. And once made, if she does what it appears she's about to do, you're going to grieve. And that's ok. I cried myself to sleep almost every night for two months in August and September 2012, and then on September 25th, 2012, knowing that there was no going back, I began my HRT.

Do I regret coming out? No! In fact, I regret not coming out sooner. Do I regret starting to transition? No! I only regret not transitioning younger. Do I regret my spouse leaving me? No, that was her choice. I simply had to learn to accept that.

I can't tell you when it will get better, but it will. You will grieve then you will begin to heal. Just know that you are not alone in this, that others have walked similar paths, and that we've survived despite it all. You can too. Choose truth. Choose hope. Choose yourself. Choose life.

*hugs*