My own experience of what I "look for" in someone has always been altered by my condition.
When I was a teenager I was aware of an attraction to both genders but a preference for men. However, because I did not feel female, I could not approach them - this would mean behaving in a feminine manner and I couldn't compute that. That's not to say that I didn't get approached - I did, quite a bit. But I always turned them down. Agreeing to be in a relationship with a male who was most often straight I intrinsically knew would mean I would have to accept a variety of female roles I didn't know how (or want) to play. As a result I never got involved with anyone until my 20s and I've never been involved with someone I wasn't already well acquainted with as a friend already.
The female role in a straight relationship was one I was - I assume - supposed to play, but to my knowledge I never actively played it in any voluntary sense. I just behaved like myself. My body excused everything else, people will assume you are just a tomboy or a more assertive kind of female, you don't have to take on any explicitly female roles in today's Western world to be with someone. Which was what I did. All was fine and good with that, until I transitioned of course.
But because of, maybe, some inherent and subconscious insecurity about how awkward and precarious my position was, I admit I am cautious and untrusting of people. I don't get into relationships easily and when I do it still takes years before I will let my guard down. I would never "just date" someone. I prioritized trustworthiness and friendship qualities over other qualities. And even then, I always, even now, have a contingency plan if it all goes pear shaped of being able to fend for myself. Of not being emotionally dependent on somebody, because that can be taken away. (Watching my parents' failed marriage is probably responsible for that, though).
I realize now that the sort of people I get into relationships with are ones that aren't dominant over me. I was never good with the idea of a dominant man. You find this crops up a bit in gay male circles too.... the attraction to a man who may look dominant, etc. which conflicts with the (male) internal resentment at being submissive to any other man. Gay guys liking men taller than themselves, for example, but also secretly resenting the fact those men are taller than you. Does happen. For me, I've had relationships with guys who most women would find too small or too passive, for sure. And that's because I'm not really looking for what the average woman tends to look for in a man. I'm not looking for a man to be larger than me to protect me, for example. For many women, that's a major consideration in a long term or marriage partner. For me, not at all, I'd rather he be a great conversationalist or smart and interesting than strong. I also can't accept anyone who wants to lord it over me - simply wouldn't work. I can accept equality and mutual respect in a relationship, but not someone who's going to butt heads with me on everything and consider himself superior. Again I think it's my internal male-like tendencies. I seek harmony with another dude, but if he's going to fight me then I won't back down and that makes for an awful relationship. I do have a slightly dominant personality, so that only works in close proximity with people who respect personal space, or else are fine with someone who is assertive. I've never looked at a partner's income or what he brings to the table in terms of capital, which many women do. I am genuinely interested in what a person can do to enrich my experience mentally in life rather than what he can physically provide.
This is generally at odds with the average male-female dynamic.
The only way I seem able to operate to ever "let someone in" is if I know them as a friend enough to figure out if they are a threat or no and if they have a compatible personality. As you say, I would much rather spend my time with a friend than date the hottest dude on the planet if he has the personality of a housefly. Personality is so important for my temperament. So yeah, I agree with you on many points, and I know that had I been born without the trans condition, I would most likely not have the same trepidations and filters around relationships that I do. I do still have that female-mode desire toward certain male characteristics in operation in the back of my mind, but it is overridden mostly by the male-like personality I have and the need to make sure I don't get screwed over or rejected. At this point I am sure now that my extreme caution toward "vetting people" for so long before every getting close to them and even being cautious when in a long term relationship is caused by the fact that I know, subconsciously, I have qualities that many people will reject, either because they are masculine, or because being trans is, sadly, a deal-breaker for so many average people. It does immediately conflict with the male-female subconscious wiring when it comes to sexual matters when you confront someone with it. Completely knocks them for six, and no wonder... that's millions of years of biological instincts and programming in both us and the partners, being "re-arranged" in a manner it's hard to wrap your head around. And people always seem to side with or feel sympathy for the non-trans partner in these situations, meaning it's just too much for most to deal with or understand.
Anyway, my post was meant as a way of addressing why people tend to behave in an average sort of way. We are not average people, in the statistical sense... we are relatively rare, and don't always behave in an average way, or have average requirements in a partner. I can understand why most people behave a certain way without thinking about why they do - instincts, subconscious tendencies, evolution mainly, which is where we get our social mores from and our stereotypes from. We though, are a bit different, sometimes having dual sets of instincts or tendencies because we have brain and body hailing from both sexes respectively, to begin with. I know I understand why women want a certain kind of man, due to certain instincts about my size and so on... and yet at the same time I'm programmed much more like a man in terms of how I would approach another man, i.e. as a friend, and made sure he was not a foe or a rival, or in any way able to subjugate me or cut off an escape route should I ever require it. It's the sort of thing men would keep in the back of their minds when dealing with other men as well. It's so convoluted that it took a while to unravel why I did the things I did, but there's lots of dual things going on in there, with personality and the toll/vulnerability of this condition taking precedence over instinct.
Life would be much simpler if I were just a cis woman, lol. But I am what I am, and what I am is a careful and cautious strategist. Women are great strategists too in the dating game. I'm quite grateful for being as careful as they tend to be due to my origins. A lot of men land themselves in trouble romantically because they fail to be cautious. I've never made that mistake.
