A question from an MTF for people who began dating a trans person.

[Sybil]

I'm an MTF, of course, and I have a boyfriend. He met me this way -- I've been this way since long before meeting him. I know that when I told him, he initially had to consider the idea. It only took him a few days to decide it wouldn't impact any of the feelings he would later develop for me (we got together about a month later). He was extremely good about it and I am incredibly fortunate, all things considered.

However, I am still very curious about what feelings someone experiences when entering a relationship with a trans person. I would like to hear thoughts from people who have been through this. What went through your mind? How did you resolve your feelings? What did it take to make peace with the fact that your partner was a little different from what you would have expected?

[JoanneB]

My first date with my now (post op) wife was some 35 years ago.

I knew before hand she was TG and was full time for a few years already. Part of how I was handling my dysphoria and feeling transitioning was never going to happen for me this lifetime, was to at least help the best I can with fulfilling others dreams. I started dating TGs. A difficult thing to attempt back in the pre-internet days. In the late 70's a TS person was as rare as unicorns.

For sure there was the thrill factor. I was young and had raging hormones back then. But I mostly saw the person, her soul, her spirit. To this day I still cannot imagine her as anything other than female. Even though we have always openly talked of her past. I was also a total ass twice, like other guys in her past when their heads exploded over dating and being in love with 'one of them'. TBH back then, even still a little today, there is part of my head that just wants to be a 'Normal guy'. While she is totally stealth and a natural, I knew. Not exactly what normal guys are interested in. Luckily I was able to worm myself back into her life and even back into her heart.

[mark s]

I met my girl about 5 months ago. When I met her I didn't think she was mtf. I first thought she was joking when she told me. I did get shocked when she told me she was still was pre-op. I am 100% straight so I had a bit of a problem that she still had her male parts.

That said I was and still am totally in love with her and I thought about it and came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter, It's going to be changed anyway.

There used to be an little issue which was based on a misunderstanding. It made her feel insecure and me like I couldn't give her what she wanted. After we had a good talk and talked it out we became even closer and we are still in love with each other 

Side note. My girl is still becoming more beautiful thanks to the hormones (not that she wasn't beautiful in the beginning).

[wheatbread]

My current girlfriend; I knew as a man for several years before she ever came out as trans. It was longer still before we started dating. I've identified as bisexual for some time now, so her genitals were never really an issue for me.

It's a pretty normal relationship, or so i'd like to think. She plans to get SRS, which, of course, i'm totally on board with.

[StraightInLoveMTF]

Not sure if you have seen my posts. I am newish here and to the whole transgender world really. I met my girl though she still lives her daily life as a he and then in evenings is herself 5 months ago. She was he for the first several months and then when she found she realized how serious we were getting (I already knew where I was) she let me into her emotions & feelings.

Anyway, I love her to death. Loved her within the first month I met her though I had no clue she had the transgender lifestyle. As I stated several times I fell in love with the person not the gender. She is absolutely amazing. We recently moved in together (she had lived about an hour away) which is perfect.

She even asked me last week what I wanted as far as a wedding. With what we both been through in the past I was a little surprised...her physical and emotional abuse by her Dad, Iraq, 2 ex wifes that are horrible people....I really thought we would be together and not be married.....

At first though I have to admit....seeing my girl as a girl was a little weird cause she is an Engineer/Machinst....smart....guns a blazing.....just bad ass awesome person.....still is just in a feminine way. After a couple times of seeing her and the initial first kisses and further I have a ball. Call me bi or just ornery I don't care me being a straight female....I love to put my hands up her skirt and touch her boobs lol. Moderators yell at me if I get out of line.....love the long hair and tight jeans, pantyhose, and high heels. She is absolutely beautiful and classy and the only thing I would change about her is her depression. I got to go now but I would type forever how great things are Wish ya the best in your relationship!!

[MrKarl35]

My first relationship with a trans woman was in college. I only knew her as a woman, we became friends and before long I had feelings for her. When I found out she was a trans woman it really didn't factor in. I have always considered my self straight but not narrow. I am attracted to women and that's what she is... A woman!

[HelloKitty]

For me it turned out to be a very bad Idea. When I went through my lesbian phase, I ended up dating an ftm who had just began testosterone shots a couple weeks prior. The problem was that this was not a legit ftm, it was really a cis female who was really whacked!
She was the most feminine woman I had ever met in my life, super girly girl not like an effeminate gay male kinda way, but in a super girly girl ultra femme female kind of way.

So I treated her like a guy but it was soooo hard...then she ends up saying she likes guys so broke up with me.
Not the first time I got duped and dumped by a "trans" person. No more of that lol

[Sybil]

This is a bit late, but thank you all for your replies. I am curious to continue hearing more, if anyone has something to share.

When it comes to cis people especially, I know that trans people can feel a bit alien and that there is the looming social stigma of dating someone who is "not authentic." The conversion of viewing a potential partner as being inauthentic to one who is absolutely authentic fascinates me. Socialization is a strong component of human personality and overcoming it is no simple task; being as that I am not cis, I can only conceptualize the idea of overcoming the trans-romance barrier so much. I can't help but appreciate being told what went through someone's mind when acclimating to a trans partner -- you know, being the object of that deliberation.

My boyfriend admits that, while he finds me incredibly feminine, he can see that much of my personality has borrowed from both sides of the socialization equation -- a fact that, he insists, is a very positive one as it relates to the strength and flexibility of my character. It is little details such as this one that make me wonder at the trans-romance mental process, and further makes me feel thankful for every tidbit that is shared with me.

[pretty pauline]

Every reply in this thread is positive, you should be heartened by that, I was very heartened by the replies, particularly this reply.

My first relationship with a trans woman was in college. I only knew her as a woman, we became friends and before long I had feelings for her. When I found out she was a trans woman it really didn't factor in. I have always considered my self straight but not narrow. I am attracted to women and that's what she is... A woman!

It's wonderful to read a positive experience, if you haven't read my posts, my SO is a straight guy, he has always considered himself straight and only attracted to women, so when I disclosed my history he was surprised and shocked, but has only ever known me as a woman, I'm post-op now for many years with all the equipment that a woman has, being post-op makes things a bit easer for him, he completely accepts me as a woman, but doesn't disclose it publicly which is understandable, handling the ridicule, gossip and mockery from people, knowing the his wife used to be a man, does your boyfriend feel the same way.
It doesn't effect our lives, most people don't know my history, I'm now just a woman that doesn't stand out in the crowd

[androgynouspainter26]

It's odd, dating a sister...trans guys are pretty much the same as anyone else, but with trans women, there's something unexplainably odd about it to me.  I think it feels just a bit too much like dating a sibling, if that makes any sense?  Being around other trans women for me is difficult in general, honestly, because I keep comparing myself to them: Does she pass better than me?  If we walk down the stree together, and she doesn't pass, will people stare at me too and figure it out?  And what if she's gorgeous, and being around her actually feels triggering?  It's just complex being with someone who is like you in such a profound way.

Of course there are pluses-she understands your insecurity about your body.  If sex ever comes up, it's good being with someone who knows how to work the equipment properly...and it's really amazing being able to help one another out with dysphoria as it arives-to be with someone who knows exactly what can remind you of the woman you really are.  So-it's a mixed bag for me.

[Sybil]

Every reply in this thread is positive, you should be heartened by that, I was very heartened by the replies, particularly this reply.It's wonderful to read a positive experience, if you haven't read my posts, my SO is a straight guy, he has always considered himself straight and only attracted to women, so when I disclosed my history he was surprised and shocked, but has only ever known me as a woman, I'm post-op now for many years with all the equipment that a woman has, being post-op makes things a bit easer for him, he completely accepts me as a woman, but doesn't disclose it publicly which is understandable, handling the ridicule, gossip and mockery from people, knowing the his wife used to be a man, does your boyfriend feel the same way.
It doesn't effect our lives, most people don't know my history, I'm now just a woman that doesn't stand out in the crowd

My boyfriend doesn't advertise as a way to respect my privacy, but he isn't afraid of what people think and has no shame regarding it. He is willing to share if I ever want him to. Despite that, I tell him not to share -- not because of my privacy, but because I don't want to put him through the stigma over something that doesn't really matter in my or his life. I am extremely protective of him; he is too good to me.