Surgery and Mums reaction

[ElleA]

Hi all,

I thought I would make a post about my experiences with my Mum.

I had a breast augmentation about a year and a half ago. And I remember when I told my Mum that I was going to have one she was like "are you sure, that's a pretty permanent change" she meant this in a are you sure you want to be a woman kind of way and not the normal mother worried about her daughter kind of way.

I found it funny at the time as she totally accepts me in every way but she clearly still thinks there is a small chance this is just a phase.

It wasn't until recently though that I told her I would be having Gender affirmation surgery that she said it again but more obviously this time. And I was kinda annoyed at her for it.

It's odd because my family in general have been very supportive. But my mum still has these random comments that kind of hit me out of left field.

I decided that I wouldn't tell anyone about the VFS I am doing in February and rather just see if people notice. Seeing as I live with my partner in a different state and have heaps of leave saved up I can pretty much recover in private and address questions as they come. I guess I just can't be bothered explaining it to people this time around. Haha.

I just some times feel like I should pick my battles or private information I share with others.

[sam79]

Hi Elle. I'm sorry for those individual experiences you've mentioned with your mother. I was met with the same kind of response from my mother and a sister a while ago. It really does hurt, and they've no idea why. And sadly I don't think they will ever understand.

I admire your choice in holding back the news about VFS . I mean, it's nobody's business but your own anyway. So you go girl! You're #1.

Kind of also wish I had your "heaps of leave"... I had to explain to my employer why I need 2-3 weeks off to recover from some surgery ( FFS, now just 5 weeks away ).

[suzifrommd]

My sister had a similar reaction. I had been full-time for months. I think cis people just naturally have that reaction. It really helped me to explain my reasons to her - It helped me better understand my own choices.

[stephaniec]

sorry about your Mum

[Mary Anne]

It's always sooo tough having to go through the various stages andsteps
of transition.  It simply seems like you have to gather all of your strength
and energy to overcome family resistance to get through one phase, then, when
you think you're "established" in their eyes and tell them you're going
through the next progression, they want to question and challenge you afresh.
It's just so illogical, frustrating and depressing.  But please know Elle that
you're simply doing what you must do, and the resistance is not your fault, rather it's symptomatic
of a family's inablility to overcome society's attempts to enforce norms based on unfounded ignorance. 
Really, if you go back to biblical times, there are soo many examples of unfounded restrictions which oppress human beings, all founded on norms based on scientific ignorance.   So just view these struggles as passage through times and circumstances in which you are "braver" than the timidity and ignorance which frustrates
your hopes and dreams.  Much love, support and many hugs as you progress in your life.   

[EchelonHunt]

I understand your annoyance all too well. Although I am going in the other direction, my male identity is immediately brought into questioning just because I have interest in make-up and feminine clothing.

It is like my mother is clinging to the hope I will wake up one day and admit it was all a phase and go back to being her rightful daughter. It is very insulting but I cannot blame her, society has brainwashed her into believing the binary system and implementing that make-up and feminine clothings strictly belong to females only. It is kind of sad.

[gabimoneratt]

I sort of understand you...  It's  not fun and my mom asks me the same thing, but I think it's just how mothers are...they see everything that we get done as unnecessary. First because they usually think we're  fine the way we are, that we don't need the changes...  My mom kept asking me in the past if I really needed SRS to be happy,  that I could find a guy that likes me without it,  because it is such a harsh procedure and they just don't see the need, even if we tell them,  there's a certain limitation in their minds. They want the best for us,  they want us to be sure of  the decisions we make,  cuz the surgeries we get make a pretty big change,  they make us go from one sex to the other,  I don't  think there are more extreme results in any other type of surgery. So it's  a pretty big step, one that will give us very little to no chance of return and as our moms are not trans,  they don't fully grasp why we need them...
Plus,  moms have the protection factor, they have a need to ask us the "are you sure?" question so they feel like they did their part on protecting their kid. If they don't ask and something goes wrong,  even if it's just the surgery that didn't go right, they will blame themselves for the rest of their lives for not even trying to protect their kid.
I also get bugged by it sometimes but every time she starts with the questioning I sit down and tell her how much of a difference it'll make in my life,  and I try to make her see things through my perspective, how I feel and how many issues could be solved with that decision... I still live with mine so she sees my struggles and the things I go through that, had I had the surgery, I wouldn't have to deal with anymore. As they're not in our heads, unless we make them see things through our perspective,  they just won't get it. And  it's important to remember that they're not trans, so we'll have to have this talk more than once cuz, as time passes, if we don't remind them,  they'll start to forget cuz it's not how they think and see things. Specially if you don't live with your mom, then your struggles,  how you feel and think are all far from her day to day life...
If she's supportive it's really all that matters, the questions will go away eventually once she sees you're happier with the changes