Finally figured out what was blocking me from going ahead with HRT

[viktor_tokyo]

After a year or two of picking apart gender and transgender and HRT issues in my mind pretty much every day (and driving myself insane in the process ), I finally figured out what was blocking me from making a decision. It wasn't "not knowing what I want", but "not knowing what the hell was blocking me from going ahead"! I never really thought I was affected this much by my surroundings and family but thinking back on it, I'm now like, why the hell didn't I notice?! Geez.

• I am scared my family will take actions to show they disapprove of my decision, and try to force me to detransition through clever uses of guilt-tripping (they are masters of it)
• I live in a foreign country with a iffy dual-citizenship status, and the hoops I'll need to jump through, the uncomfortable situations I'll be put in, and all the paperwork I will need to process is extremely daunting
• I have a rare condition with my uterus which requires me to go to the gyno pretty much every month or two and I'm scared my doctor will be like "why am I spending so much energy making sure her uterus is healthy if she doesn't want to give birth or be a woman" and start skimping on my quality of care (not to mention going to the gyno in a major hospital as a man)
• I'm scared of losing respect in the company I work at, and people being afraid to work with me because I'm different (Japan is super homogeneous); and therefore having the joy of working there be sapped out (a mtf co-worker had a hard time and quit)

I noticed nothing had to do with what I want in my life, but more about avoiding bad stuff. Avoiding bad stuff is important, but I'm thinking it's about time to stop being so afraid of losing control in my environment, and I need to take control of myself. And this is my first time I felt angry about being transgender (since I need to go through all this annoying stuff).

I might change my mind again from fear, but this has been a big step in my thinking and wanted to share.  Peace everyone!

[devention]

I'm glad you were able to figure it out! That's the first step in moving forward
With regards to your doctor, if you notice them starting to "skimp", go to a new doctor. You have no obligation to deal with someone deliberately treating you as lesser for having a medical condition, and any doctor that would do that is not a very good doctor.
Good luck! Keep us posted, and feel free to pm me if you ever wanna talk or vent

[Ms Grace]

Transitioning in a foreign country, especially one with quite different cultural outlooks, must be a very difficult thing indeed. Do you see yourself staying in Japan for the foreseeable future or will you be soon returning to your home country because, difficult as it might be it could be easier and safer to transition back home. That said, we have at least one m2f here who is transitioning in Japan and finding it relatively straightforward so far...

[devention]

Ayden also transitioned in Japan. He might have some advice, as well.

[ChaoticTribe]

Only you can decide what path to take, but it is good to see the potential downsides of what you are doing, because sometimes the feeling of 'I want' can be so powerful that we ignore our own safety and security.

To be honest, yes there is a very good chance that you will experience some level of negative treatment from people who know or suspect that you are transgender. You could be surprised and the people whom you thought would react negatively could be very supportive, and vice versa. Also, there are some people who will probably act nice to your face yet talk behind your back, and beware of anyone who is too curious - sometimes they may have a desire to spread gossip, thinking it's just 'interesting' but not realize the harm that their talking may do.

People may be afraid to get sued or fired if there are discrimination laws in Japan so maybe they will avoid saying anything negative to you, but they could begin to feel uncomfortable in your presence (let's be honest, many cispeople have issues with homosexuals and many many more with transsexuals). They may even talk behind your back, and there is a chance that you could find yourself losing opportunities for advancement, even if you are never directly fired -it's hard to prove them wrong or fight if they claim someone else was better suited for the position.

If you're worried about the fact that you might get poor quality care then you can always switch doctors, but seeing that your trans on your medical record can result in losing the respect of many doctors - I've had bad experiences EVEN AT EMERGENCY ROOMS. Yet if they don't outright deny you care or use slurs then you won't be able to sue - they can talk to you slowly like you're mentally disabled and reassure you that 'nothing is wrong' when you have serious problems, etcetera.

The reality is that being trans is WAY more complicated than people make it out to be, and it takes years to see the full effect because much happens out of your sight and hearing, and there are only certain situations where this will be presented right in front of your face.

Just think hard and remember - you can always do it later, but it's much harder to go back

[viktor_tokyo]

Transitioning in a foreign country, especially one with quite different cultural outlooks, must be a very difficult thing indeed. Do you see yourself staying in Japan for the foreseeable future or will you be soon returning to your home country because, difficult as it might be it could be easier and safer to transition back home. That said, we have at least one m2f here who is transitioning in Japan and finding it relatively straightforward so far...

I'm pretty much staying here in Japan so I can be with my Japanese partner. If I move to the US I'll need to go alone. I'll also need a job waiting for me so I have insurance for my annoying condition (that can require surgery suddenly). Actually I've been away from the US so long, I don't really know how insurance works there now! I should do some research, like what Obamacare was all about. Transitioning here in Japan is easy I think. There's no weird conservative movement demonizing trans people, nor have I heard about any violence occurring towards a minority of any type really. It would just be a slow ostracization at worst. But I think most people would be cool about it, especially young people in my field (IT). I already came out to some people specifically that I'm trans with no trouble at all, and I already dress completely like a guy. And no messy pronouns in Japanese. Unless someone specifically mentions someone's sex, the language is gender neutral.

Ayden also transitioned in Japan. He might have some advice, as well.

Yeah that sounds like a good idea to get in touch. Thanks!

Only you can decide what path to take, but it is good to see the potential downsides of what you are doing, because sometimes the feeling of 'I want' can be so powerful that we ignore our own safety and security.

I already can't advance anyway because I'm a woman and a foreigner, so unless I really go for it I won't "naturally" get a promotion.
What sort of bad emergency room experienced did you have, Chaotic? If you don't mind my asking.

[ChaoticTribe]

The testosterone caused DAILY vaginal bleeding that lasted several months and was accompanied by severe abdominal cramps that would come and go. I was examined by several doctors at the clinic where they gave me testosterone and all said that they didn't understand how or why I had begun bleeding because according to my hormone levels it should not have been possible - according to them.

In the emergency room, they basically treated me as though I were mentally disabled and could not understand that vaginas do in fact bleed and abdominal pain goes along with that. They insisted it was a 'normal' period - the doctor was a female and kept trying to tell me that this happens to everyone. I repeatedly told her that I had been bleeding every single day from June or July until the day I went in there (which was the end of October/beginning of November). She said it 'must be stress' - and then told one of the orderlies to give me a pregnancy test! They also catheterized me, even though there was no blood in my urine and swabbing detected blood in my vagina, as well as visible blood pooling in my uterus during the ultrasound. The catheter was extremely painful and when one of the nurses offered me painkillers the doctor quickly told me that I 'did not need them' and gave the nurse a look that resulted in her not saying another word the entire time she was in the room with me. All of this happened with three medical professionals in the room at a time and at one point there were FOUR.

The only reason I went to the emergency room at that point instead of a normal doctor was because I was becoming extremely pale and weak and having spells where I appeared about to faint according to those around me even though I've never fainted before, and I was ordered to leave work that day and go directly to the hospital.

[devention]

Chaotic, dude, that is so messed up. Did you report her? How can anyone say that bleeding for months is normal? I thought twelve days first dose was bad but holy cow.
That blows so hard. Did you end up figuring out why you reacted that way? Were you able to stop it without surgical intervention?

[ChaoticTribe]

No, there was not a single doctor who could identify why my body reacted to HRT in that way. I did attempt to report the doctor to the hospital and they decided not to bill me for their services but I still had to pay the doctor... apparently that aspect isn't under their control because the system is set up so each is essentially a contractor and let's be realistic, the nurses weren't going to step forward and put their necks on the line and due to my situation it's unlikely that the hospital actually believed me - more likely they didn't want this to become a big issue. The doctor was not disciplined and still got HER money.

Don't expect to get far fighting for your rights - when I asked for estrogen therapy while detransitioning, the clinic which had been giving me testosterone refused to correct their mistake by giving me estrogen, held my medical records and refused to release them to me, and also blacklisted me from their services when I tried speaking to their medical director about the necessity of estrogen therapy in my case. For that reason I AM pursuing malpractice litigation against them but I am still looking for a lawyer willing to deal with the case of a 'transsexual' (even though I am not one)... basically, most people see transgender folks as mentally incompetent and possibly delusional and this apparently extends to the very people who are supposed to advocate for them in certain cases. The doctors had no problem pushing their agenda but they didn't want to help me when I needed it most - dealing with the aftermath of this fiasco.

Unfortunately, surgical intervention WAS required - I was terrified that I had a more serious condition and even though there were no detectable tumors or anything on X-rays I was VERY fearful that there may be abnormal tissue that wasn't showing up. As it turned out, I had my cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries removed and all appeared fairly healthy aside from my uterus bleeding and the front and back beginning to adhere due to the tissue itself becoming raw and bleeding out deeper than the tiny thin layer that is supposed to come out during your period.

Now I sincerely regret listening to the trans doctors who assured me that it wasn't the testosterone. If I'd listened to my usual practitioner then I might have had the common sense to stop HRT for a few months and see if the bleeding stopped, but unfortunately I found a seemingly permanent solution to a temporary problem.

[devention]

Man, that sucks. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
(Sorry for the misgendering, I saw testosterone and didn't bother looking to see if you had m or f on the side ><)

[viktor_tokyo]

Damn, ChaoticTribe that sounds absolutely insane. I'm sorry to hear that...  I hope you found a doctor you can trust.
Doctor experiences suck so bad. I always try to get a 2nd, 3rd opinion before doing anything, because I know doctors are just overworked (or uncaring psycho) humans that can make a huge mistake at any turn. 

[ChaoticTribe]

@Devention, don't worry about it that's alright.

@Viktor_Tokyo; no, the clinic which was prescribing testosterone refuses to give replacement estrogen therapy and will not treat me at their practice because apparently going back to my birth gender doesn't align with their agenda, so they've dropped me like a hot potato. I've gotten some help obtaining hormones through a friend but I can't go to the doctor - I am currently flat broke and unable to work and uninsured due to losing my ability to work and not having the cash required to change legal documentation - it's about 50% done but I need more money to finish everything. At that point I will be able to get back to work and begin really fixing things - starting with health care.

I've learned that the doctor I always had been able to trust was my own family practitioner who had known me all my life - unfortunately they DO NOT provide hormone therapy for transsexuals and I had to go to a clinic, which turned out to be the worst care I have ever received, hands down. I wish I had stuck with my original doctor but at this point it will likely be late winter or early spring until I am able to return to my previous medical care.

[devention]

Chaotic, that is terrible! Agenda should NEVER come before care. I can't imagine having to go through transition and be either unable or unwilling to continue for whatever reason, be it medical issues or realizing that it wasn't the right path to take or anything else, but then to be denied care? That's absolutely disgusting. There must be some way to report them to someone who can do something. This is awful.

[ChaoticTribe]

Chaotic, that is terrible! Agenda should NEVER come before care. I can't imagine having to go through transition and be either unable or unwilling to continue for whatever reason, be it medical issues or realizing that it wasn't the right path to take or anything else, but then to be denied care? That's absolutely disgusting. There must be some way to report them to someone who can do something. This is awful.

I want to pursue full litigation but I am unsure of any lawyer who will take a case of this sort, and don't know who to contact. =( The ACLU does not want to do anything at all that will make it more difficult for transgender people to get their hormones and sex changes, so they won't assist me with pursuing a doctor for providing me the initial care, which is the damaging thing that necessitated all of this. It seems like all the people campaigning for transgender rights shut their doors on those who are detransitioning because they want to keep it under wraps and not let the public become more aware of the fact that detransition can and does happen - they feel it will make people less willing to support and assist sex changes. =(

[Bunter]

There are bunches of trans men and ftm groups in Japan. If you speak Japanese you can check them out. The ftm I know who have been to Japan didn't have problems I think.

[Bunter]

I think there is even a glossy ftm magazine in Japan. That must have dates for groups and so on.

[Bunter]

@CT
I'm really sorry that you are going through this ->-bleeped-<-. Again, I think it would be important if you'd make your own threads and not just tell your story in other people's threads where readers can find them only by accident. I'm not saying this to censor you, but because I think this information should be *more* available.

I have heard from one trans guy that he had similar bleeding as you. It seems to be a very rare side effect of the T. Constant bleeding for more than two weeks need to be treated immediately, trans or not. And if you don't have ovaries, they *have* to give you estrogen because of osteoporosis and other health effects. You need hormones not just for genitals but for all functions (heart, brain, metabolism). I know the US is crazy like that, but is there really no place that can give you estrogen for free?