stress triggered dysphoria- anyone relate?

[Satinjoy]

OK so I have been through some extreme stress again.  Marriage on the line, retirement at risk, kid in trouble, the works.  All of which, thank God and thank you everyone for your fantastic advice, all of which is in a more stable and healthy place now with hope too.

BUT....

There is a pattern for me.  Having called heavily on the notmale father side of me, husband side, warrior side (I fake it till I make it on that one), I have once again rebounded.  Satinjoy, my female nature if you will, has taken so much control and so much of me, that the male side is actually gone missing right now.  And in h'er transitioned state, I see the woman so clearly in the mirror right now and know, finally, that I could not only pass but be attractive, and sh'e is running away with that physically in my current state.

Add to this the new androgyne presentation at work, which I am thoroughly enjoying, and its like I lost the brakes on the racecar again.

But the fear is so much less, because of stories of Shan, of Jayce, of Taka, of Aisla, transpeople I trust that took the middle ground of transition, because it is authentic for them, and did not feel compelled to fully change gender.

It takes so much clarity to see through the dysphoria to truth....

So, the question for the forum to play is, do you rebound after stress?  Do you have a gender swing when circumstances force you into one binary mode, or one component being needed to take over?

I cannot believe the overwhelming power of my unleashed female component right now, sh'e is incredibly strong... I am not afraid of h'er anymore sh'e is quite the wonderful transwoman, as is the male side who is quite the wonderful father and husband, this is not pride it is simply the fruit of 30 years of self sacrifice as a habit.... and spiritual stuff....

Amazing how learning the value of being all of you can unleash the raw power of a personality, the untamed freedom of a non binary transsexual.  Or trans whatever.

Do you swing hard after stress my dears?  Does it scare you?  Are you used to it, is it predictable?

..... oh it feels good to be full transition, its Thursday morning, and I am Satinjoy,  this is my time of the week to be totally girl before work.

Love to all here.

[Dread_Faery]

Stress literally makes me crazy... Well crazier. This is when Hest loves to come out to play and one of the few times I feel dysphoria. Knowing that it's stress doing this helps, because I know all the things that Hest tells me are true are in fact lies and that this feeling will pass.

[Cindy]

SJ,
Hugs hon,

I'm binary but I do not think it makes any difference to the comments. Being you, whoever you is, no matter who you identify as, is the most important thing for you.

No one can validate or invalidate who you are. When we accept ourselves we do realise that our dysphoria goes.

This journey is long, we change, we grow, there is nothing static. Sometimes we think we have reached the level that we are comfy with, but no. It takes time, a long time.

I've been FT for 3 years, there is nothing of my past, I'm still aware that I am still growing, developing and changing. Even after my surgery I will continue to grow.

This is a hard journey, full of tears and fears, some of us have harder journeys than others. But we share the same feelings.

[Satinjoy]

Yup.  I have accepted it is unpredictable....and will live today passionately as a result.

Blessings dear one

Satinjoy

[teema]

I don`t get stressed about doing guy stuff anymore.I mean since I`ve come to terms with what I am and understand my own self better. Now,when I have to do guy stuff,even if its drilling a hole in the wall to put curtains up or something dumb like that,i kinda feel good that I can do it,like I`ve really done something.I can switch easily from him to her and back.I can relate to your strong female tho Satinjoy.When I`m dressed up and feeling good,its really hard to undo it and go back to my everyday presentation.Teema is so cool,i love being her.She wants to stay!x

[Taka]

but drilling holes to put up curtains is a very female thing to do...? at least that's what my mom and grandma taught me. never learned that from a man.

switching between genders is unpredictable, and i think i prefer it that way. i'll never know what i am from one moment to the next, but that's ok as long as i always remember who i am.

but switching was much worse before i finally just accepted myself as who i really am, and allowed myself some quirks. and the pendulum would swing really far out on the other end if i forced myself into one role or the other for too long. it really went both ways for me, and discovering that was both unsettling and relieving. unsettling because it meant that maintaining a male identity online would be really difficult. i come off as gay, that's what my behavior is associated with, and then people are really confused when i express my love of women, and kind of concerned when i express a wish to have been born a woman (i wasn't, despite the female body). there's some identity confusion here, yeah...

stress is another thing that triggers stuff. that was also much worse before accepting myself. being unable to accept myself made me so depressed for so long that i really felt a whole lot more pain and distress than should be necessary. so when stress triggered worsening of depression or anxiety, of course body and social dysphoria would spike quite violently too. everything that hurt even just slightly, would be so much more pronounced.

but now, stress only triggers some really volatile moods. those are of course also worsened a little by different natural cycles. but i can control it now.
when i get tired, i know what will happen if i don't rest, so i rest.
before, i'd be too scared of some nonexistent threat, to rest. that was bad enough to kill. and i got bad enough to kill.
living in darkness has made me understand a whole lot of really scary psychological stuff that's best to never understand.

i can only praise the heavens that i'm such a realist.
if not, stress would probably have driven me to believe my own lies, and commit unspeakable deeds.
some parts of the past are best to just put under a huge boulder and only take out when it's safe to look at them.

[helen2010]

Being you, whoever you I are, no matter who you identify as, is the most important thing for you.

No one can validate or invalidate who you are. When we accept ourselves we do realise that our dysphoria goes.

This journey is long, we change, we grow, there is nothing static. Sometimes we think we have reached the level that we are comfy with, but no. It takes time, a long time.

This is a hard journey, full of tears and fears, some of us have harder journeys than others. But we share the same feelings.

SJ/Cindy

Stress has always triggered my dysphoria.  As a male, when I experienced severe and prolonged stress, I needed to express my female.  As I have progressively identified and accepted myself as non binary, stress still causes me to express my 'other', but now this could be either my male or my female aspect.   The triggering and oscillation caused by stress still occurs, but now they seem less severe and my response now feels more like me, more like accessing my core rather than switching to another.

I think Taka was the first person to use the term f2me, and I shamelessly and immediately appropriated m2me as my descriptor, my theme, my life purpose.  My journey and my life experience,  now feels like a progressive delayering, a progressive unveiling, understanding and acceptance of my core and my spirit.  It just amazes me that what I have carried around and unquestioningly accepted as my identity, was nothing more than multiple layers of suffocating, social expectation. 

My journey continues.  I am still travelling.   Discovery and learning continues.   I am excited by what I have found and am propelled by the wisdom and support of fellow travellers.  I like what I can sense as possibility.

Stress triggered my dysphoria and my search for identity and acceptance.  I feel blessed.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Taka]

yeah, that should have been me...

on most days, gender doesn't make sense, and it makes even less sense when teying to speak in terms of masculine or feminine or any kind of fixed stereotypes.

i'm just meand if i transition, i'll transition into none other than me.
or, well, creating a better bodily representation of me...

just deciding on that took away that whole power struggle i was doing with myself.
stress doesn't seem to push me in any "gender" direction anymore.
there's no need when i just am exactly who i want to be at all times. within the limits of what's practical that is.
so when i'm stressed out, either part of me could take over, and any would be good enough to handle it.

[Satinjoy]

I feel more centered, but the mtf part of me was intense today, and that's fine, it is authentic, Satinjoy is very real, and with acceptance and dismissed fear, Sh'e gains strength and freedom.  And I like who Sh'e...me...we... is, there is so much strength and compassion there to tap... what evil to chain this component due to social bull cookies.

So, feeling andro and empowered, fluid like crazy, on the scary roller coaster of trans.  Injecting tonight, within ten minutes, colors get bright and I will feel sooooo good.  Ecyp.  Endo driven.  Love it.

But yeah I swing hard to very mtf after stress, and get sensual big time.  It just is.

Blessings

Satinjoy