Thanks Julia, its been a pretty overwhelming week in terms of feelings, but there has been a lot of relief too. I definitely appreciate that dealing with these questions leads you to understand some pretty deep stuff, which has a lot of positives. But then I kind of get sad too because I know that the majority of people can't understand because they haven't been forced too. Since I broke down that wall in my mind a few weeks ago the few times I have hung out with my friends I've felt, not resentment, but frustration that they will never know the things I do. They're all nice guys but I have to deal with some stuff already about not living up to the expectations they/we have as a group for each other. I have to just take it, all the while knowing its only because I know things that they can never know that I've 'failed'. Then I feel like an ->-bleeped-<- for being all up on my high horse. Like you say its only because I've been dealt this weird hand that I do. Haha anyway I really don't mean to sound all depressing, what I started saying is that despite my concerns I am feeling a lot of hope that this could be the start of a happier future whatever happens.
Arch, that's actually a pretty good idea. I'd already emailed asking for some info about what it will be like going in, and the therapist replied saying its a quiet place and also that I could call reception when I'm there and they could let me in a back door which would lead me to another waiting room that is usually empty she said. She really seems like a nice lady. But doing that feels like I'll only draw more attention to myself when want I want is zero. Think I'll go really early and give myself time to freak out, decide to leave, and then realise what a massive mistake that would be.
AnonyMs, already had to give my name I'm afraid, tried saying only my first over the phone in the hope the receptionist wouldn't ask but she did. Freaked me out majorly-was sweating majorly by the time I got off the phone!
