I feel like I missed the boat

[Nevara]

I don't know why I'm continually hung up on the fact that I started hormones late at 23. I mean I see the cutoff in transition timelines and it's a big difference in results once you go from people starting 18-21 and those starting even a few years later. It's so triggering I have a hard time participating in trans communities where I see an 18 or 20 year old starting HRT because all I feel is resentment and regret.

More than anything it was the fact that the whole process was so quick and easy and simple and cheap and I was too scared to do it the moment I turned 18. All the stupid fears and hesitations I had amounted to nothing but lost time. I feel like I wasted the past 5 years and just let testosterone further destroy my body. Instead of having that progress made, its barely reversing what's happened since then. I shaved the first time when I was 20. Now I'm spending all this money hoping laser will get me back to where I was. After a couple of months now, my face looks like it did a few years ago. My shoulders started broadening last year. Hopefully what I stopped makes a difference, but the damage was done. None of it feels like progress.

More than anything, it hurts to know how CLOSE I was to actually being able to get good physical results.

[Jaded Jade]

I am 39, exercise and low dose is making visible differances for me.

There are people who have gotten decent, even incredible results at 40, 50, even 60.

I am sure it is frustrating at 23 to think of being 18.  Feel lucky though that you are not 39 thinking of being 21... 

I feel lucky that I have decent features, my health, and a full head of hair.  Enough so that some MTF friends at work that are younger than me are envious.

You have control of your future, but not of your past.

Focus on maximizing what you do have in your favour, and just be your best self.

More than anything, it hurts to know how CLOSE I was to actually being able to get good physical results.

Are you worried about not being a pretty 18 year old girl?

Because you are not too late to be a beautiful 23 year old woman. 


- Jaded Jade

[Ms Grace]

Starter at 47 here... if you missed the boat then I'm in the desert somewhere looking for the dock.

OK - you didn't start at age 18, most trans women don't anyway. You're starting now and that's the most important thing. Make the most of that and don't live in regret. 🙂

[Nevara]

There are people who have gotten decent, even incredible results at 40, 50, even 60.

Are you worried about not being a pretty 18 year old girl?

Because you are not too late to be a beautiful 23 year old woman. 

I feel like I'm not going to make a woman at all. At least not to anyone that actually sees me. From my jaw to brows to my profile. For every good feminine feature I see, there are 10 things that scream male.

The people that have gotten decent results have always had an androgynous starts and what you start with is 90% of the battle. I was never one of those people that could pull off looking like a girl pre-HRT. You can say passing is not important but it is - it's basically the difference between me being able to continue my career or not.

[cass]

I started at 31, i think no matter what age you started unless starting pre puberty your going to have regrets, thankfully most of us can still get amazing results no matter what age we start

[Ms Grace]

The people that have gotten decent results have always had an androgynous starts and what you start with is 90% of the battle...

Please check out the Before and After threads and you'll get a sense of how completely not true that is. 

Bottom line is, regardless of what age you start HRT your transition is what you make of it. If you are already convinced you won't ever look like a woman, then you won't because your mind will buy into  doubts  and fears and, regardless what people tell you to the contrary, you won't believe them and you will be miserable. The mind is where true success at transition happens. If you are hung up on looks you will never be happy - passing is more than just your face and boobs, it is how you present and your confidence and how natural you can be with yourself. 😀

[Jill F]

I'm goint to let you in on a secret here.

There is no boat.

[Brenda E]

I'm goint to let you in on a secret here.

There is no boat.

You just blew my mind, Jill.

[kelly_aus]

You missed the boat when puberty started - just as we all did. The difference between 18 and 23 is negligible, if anything..

The implication that those of us who start later have substandard results is both wrong and kind of rude..

[androgynouspainter26]

Just for the record, as someone who started at eighteen, starting at eighteen DOES NOT in any guarantee that a person will be attractive or passable...I get gendered as male a lot of the time if I'm not wearing makeup, and I've been on hormones for more than two years.  Sixteen is the cut off hon, and to be honest I bet a sixteen year old would say fourteen is the cut of.  The only girls who do not have sub-standard results, who are able to actually look like normal women, start in childhood.  Either that, or they have facial surgery, or are born lucky, in which case I want to slap them in the face repeatedly.

And listen, if I measure the success of my transition on my ability to pass, I've failed.  I will probably never have a good career.  Nobody will ever want to date me.  I started at eighteen, and two and a half years later I'm fairly sure I "failed".

But...I don't know.  I regret a lot of this, but my life is still marginally better than it was before.  My dysphoria is a lot better than it was...and if I lived in a world where people were not so hateful towards me, I'd be happy.  I won't tell you to accept what you have.  If being accepted by the world around you is more important than being yourself, absolutely consider detransitioning.  If you aren't prepared to weather the obstacles we face as trans women, don't be a trans woman, that's my honest thought here.  But if you are able to love yourself even when the world is going to be unkind to you.  Personally, I like the way I look, I'm hella androgynous and I enjoy that.  Being accepted would be nice...I wish I could have that more than anything in the world.  And I do consider going back every day of my life when people stare at me like I am some sort of freak.  But that doesn't seem like a life worth living either. 

[Nevara]

The implication that those of us who start later have substandard results is both wrong and kind of rude..

There's a pretty clear biological basis that human growth hormone begins to decline after puberty pretty rapidly which has been linked to the rate of a lot of the changes we're talking about with hormones - breast growth, fat redistribution, muscle metabolism.

And listen, if I measure the success of my transition on my ability to pass, I've failed.  I will probably never have a good career.  Nobody will ever want to date me.  I started at eighteen, and two and a half years later I'm fairly sure I "failed".

What I want to measure my transition's success in means very little unfortunately. What society sees is a whole 'nother story though. Sure I feel a ton better running on estrogen than running on testosterone. But unfortunately even today being trans is just about rock bottom on the whole totem pole of discrimination. My college education, med school may as well mean nothing if employers can't look past the fact that I'm trans --- which is why in the real world hiding that I'm trans is pretty much the healthiest option for both my mental sanity and financial situation.

[androgynouspainter26]

Eh.  I don't pretend to know anything about that world, but honestly-if you're qualified, and you know what you're doing, even the hugest disadvantages can be overcome.  I'm an out trans woman, probably always will be out.  But I have no reason to just lie down and give in on account of it.  When I suceed, it will be because I fought harder than anyone else.  That's what you ought to do as well-fight for both.  Don't give in until you have no other choice. 

[stephaniec]

I started at 62 I can't even find Ms. Grace's desert with the dock she's talking about.

[Ariel Renée]

I understand how you feel.  I am 32 and just coming to terms with what has been inside of me this whole time.  Part of what made me afraid to look into this earlier was not thinking i would be able to pass, but i have come to the point where im not concerned with that so much.  I want this person inside of me to come out....I want to see her in the mirror.  I want to see her beautiful smile looking back at me.  Also ive been looking at other peoples transitions on youtube and seeing some amazing results inspired me immensely.  Its never to late to let the real you come out girl...trust....

[Hikari]

Certainly, the earlier you start, the better your results. I have regrets that I didn't start when I was 14 the year I left my parents of course, I didn't even understand that a transition was medically possible and the internet wasn't quite the resource it is today (I would have been 14 in 2000). I tried to get things together to start at 24, but it didn't happen till I was 28! I am 29 now (look at the date it is my B-day 😛 )...... That being said, what can I do about it? I mean I don't have a time machine, it probably wouldn't be a wise investment of my time to try and figure out how to build one (because I am sure people smarter than me have tried), so the question is then what is a smart investment of time.

The way I see it, the smartest investment of time, is to be the best you that you can possibly be.  I know Testosterone did damage, to me, but nothing stops me now, from taking any and every step to getting rid of that damage. I can't have stopped it from occurring, but that is no reason to give up and settle. I am amazing, and I would never settle for being anything less than what I am.

So yes, I might need a bit of surgical work to be how I want to be, it might take me longer to get there, but, no one, not even the teenage me, can stop me.

[Tessa James]

Hey Nevara,  no one disputes this being a challenging road.  I would want you to know that there are, in fact, some very successful medical doctors out and about includng some doing trans surgery and more to help their peers understand us.  I hope you continue in medical school and help to further the growing acceptance i am experiencing.  We need more resident physicians to consider a specialty in trans surgery.  And then, real change happens between your ears IMO.

[Paige]

I'm goint to let you in on a secret here.

There is no boat.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

Meh...All of that 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' crap gets you nowhere. Yeah, I should have started at 19, but I didn't. I started at 29 instead. It is what it is.

[Ariel Renée]

Certainly, the earlier you start, the better your results. I have regrets that I didn't start when I was 14 the year I left my parents of course, I didn't even understand that a transition was medically possible and the internet wasn't quite the resource it is today (I would have been 14 in 2000). I tried to get things together to start at 24, but it didn't happen till I was 28! I am 29 now (look at the date it is my B-day 😛 )...... That being said, what can I do about it? I mean I don't have a time machine, it probably wouldn't be a wise investment of my time to try and figure out how to build one (because I am sure people smarter than me have tried), so the question is then what is a smart investment of time.

The way I see it, the smartest investment of time, is to be the best you that you can possibly be.  I know Testosterone did damage, to me, but nothing stops me now, from taking any and every step to getting rid of that damage. I can't have stopped it from occurring, but that is no reason to give up and settle. I am amazing, and I would never settle for being anything less than what I am.

So yes, I might need a bit of surgical work to be how I want to be, it might take me longer to get there, but, no one, not even the teenage me, can stop me.

You dont need it....I think you are gorgeous  😉

[PinkCloud]

I started at 33. Still young these days, and glad I did.

But I do agree, that if it isn't done before puberty, then the results might require extensive treatments such as electrolysis, voice training/surgery, and maybe FFS. I still can do without FFS, and probably get clocked once a month. Most think I am a woman, so there is hope.

I know one girl who was operated when she was 18. Sadly, her growing height did not stop. She became taller than me, despite starting hormones at the age of 16. She became 6 ft 5.

That said, your mileage may vary (you will hear this phrase ad infinitum in transland) I've seen some post-ops at the age of 50-60 and I think they even look better than me, half their age. I also seen young transgirls without much feminization. It isn't only hormones, or blocking puberty. It is also confidence and being able to be yourself and to let that shine through. It is something many people learn as they age.