For the Sake of Marriage

[Boo Stew]

I admire your sacrifice, Yukari-Sensei. Ironically, and perhaps historically, it is often a woman's charge to make those big sacrifices. I have recently made a similar one and so far, just knowing, finally knowing where the line in the sand is, has been a great relief to us both. I was extremely sad to hear that you gave away the clothes and the makeup. This act of purging reminds me of a woman who suffers multiple miscarriages and buries her dreams of motherhood altogether rather than seek out other ways to fulfill that need. Be careful, won't you? It sounds like you're suffering from PTSD and that rarely goes away on its own if not addressed.

[jeninindiana]

awww that is so sweet and so romantic  sometimes you don't realize how much you love someone until theyre gone or you imagine your life without them . I support any decision that puts love first in your life because that really is the most important thing is finding love so I think you made the right decision . but dating 10 years? maybe you should consider putting a ring on it now that you realize you cant live without her ? ( I do agree with Kelly above you will both have to find a happy medium she should compromise too ad if she loves you she will want you to be happy )

[Charlene]

Best to you, Yukari.  This is so immensely difficult.  I'm glad your wife is back with you.  I hope you can sustain as you want to.  I believe some people can, but for some people, it is the path to a complete inability to function.  I hope that you're one of the ones who can, but if not, please be kind and gentle with yourself as you move forward and as the many years roll by.  Either way, you'll continue to learn who you are, that won't stop.  Be as strong, brave, and steadfast as ever you desire, but please never harm yourself, and please don't be down on yourself if it gets so bad that you can't manage this way any more.  With time and love, your wife's understanding can also grow.  It has happened before.  Again, very best to you.

[lorena]

Just two weeks ago, my life was sunny. I was on estrogen, I could see physical changes, and I thought I still had a loving marriage... until Sunday...

My wife, my Dulcinea, my Beatrice... one day before our 10 year anniversary (dating) told me she loved me but didn't love me romantically anymore. She said she couldn't be with a woman... we could be friends but we were over... I never felt pain like this before... I never imagined this could happen, my rose colored glasses blinded me to her suffering and I hate myself for the pain I caused her.

I have steeled myself for a drastic change of course. I stopped my HRT, cancelled my next endo appointment. I don't even want to transition anymore, just thinking about it brings me great pain. I've never had panic attacks till this week and I can't stop having them, I keep hearing the music from my wedding everytime I close my eyes and try to sleep.

So be it. Right now I'd rather die her man than live as a woman without her. I hope my resolve does not fail me. Wish me luck my brothers and sisters, I have much work to do.

This is what I have felt many times, despaired about losing my wife... She has made it clear she loves me but loves me as a man, and a man is not how I feel.... This is probably the main thing holding my transition,  taking the step of saying goodbye....it is so hard and so sad. She has not left me yet, but i know that as soon as I decide to move forward that would be definitive....

[IknowNothing]

I never got to start any transition.
I so have the feeling that my storyline would end like yours, if not worse, loosing my love and therefore my own life ... literally
But so wonderful that you got her back!

[Cristyjade30]

I feel for you, I been keeping an eye on this thread, I am worried that this will happen in my marriage,
but it it does I am sorry but she is just gonna have to do with out me. I hate to be that way but a relationship
Is supposed to be sharing love and understanding, wanting her to suffer becuase I want to be happy isn't right
And her wanting me to suffer for her idea of what or who I should be is not right either.. So if she can't get over her issues with my gender than that's fine with me, I'm not saying that's how you should be but it should be fair and balanced not one way, and it sounds like it's one way.. I truly love my wife, but she keeps saying things that hint to me she isn't going to be okay with it, she says and swears 100% she is okay with transition, but the she says stuff like I'll never get what I want ever agian, and I think, no I know from her telling me she loves the way I look as a man, and carry myself and all that.. Well then your in love with my looks and I don't want that, I want someone who loves me even if my body is horribly scared head to toe, or whatever, and if I see she isn't happy with me as a woman I'll break it off, becuase I would rather her be happy with a MAN than me stay a man just to keep her happy, bc if I did that it's one way and that's not fair nor right... You have to understand, you said she left temporarily, and you thought there was someone else, well there probably was, or almost was... And you can be happy with someone else who loves you for you, and she can be happy with another man, your child will be fine I can promise you that, as loving a person as you are, your children will be fine between the two of you... You have to decide how bad your gid is and if it's worth being miserable everyday so someone else can be happy.. I for one wouldn't do that to my wife, make her do something she didn't want to do just to make me happy, and I am not going to play man anymore just to make her happy.. She swears she is ready for this but I see a break up and I really just want to get mine over with.. I wish you the best of luck, but please realize you have worth as a person and freedom of expression, freedom to be WHO you are is important, becuase if your not being yourself than a relationship based on anything else is a lie and will not last...

[GendrKweer]

Gender issues do not go away. They cannot be willed away. I fear your decision will make you resent your wife in the long run (as impossible as it might be to imagine such a thing now), because you love her enough to not fulfill probably the deepest part of your psyche, whereas she is NOT willing (or love you enough rather) to accept you as you are. That may well nag at you ever more strongly.  If my wife transitioned into a male, I would not leave her, just as she didn't leave me when I transitioned a few years ago (we've been together . There ARE people who love unconditionally; I'm lucky enough to be married to one. Who will support you no matter what your external appearance. If you get fat, if you suffer a traumatic accident that leaves you impotent, if you develop a terminal illness, whatever, some people will stand beside you through thick and thin, and some will run. Before you sacrifice something as huge as your very gender identity in this one short life you get to have, ask whether she loves you enough to make a similar sacrifice. But unfortunately, for this cynic, the answer has already been shown you.

[Yukari-sensei]

To give an update and offer clarity, I will say it is a struggle. Dysphoria does not go away as much as we all wish it would. My problem comes from the fact that no pain hurt me more than when she left, not even dysphoria. But the cat is out of the bag, or as expressed by someone on this thread earlier - the T-bomb has already exploded. In the end, we tried to pick up the pieces; but, it laid bare more things that needed to be addressed.

To be fair to my wife, she seems to be trying to understand, more than she ever did when I was transitioning. Sometimes she says things like "when" instead of "if" I transition. She is the one who tries to tell me to show my pride  .  I think the reality of who she loves is starting to steep into her mind, like a tea infuser sitting in a cup of hot water...

If anything, I have to deal with the legacy her family has imprinted (scarred) into her brain about sexuality in general. The biggest obstacle in retrospect seems to have been the concept of her being a lesbian... and seeing how her aunt was treated in coming out is a good explanation as to why.  Her family, like many hispanic families it would seem(including my own) see the idea of homosexuality as acceptable... as long as it's outside the family. The fact she was suspected for so long of it, due to her tomboyish nature, definitely left an impression. In retrospect, the fact that others were starting to regard her as the "masculine one" in our relationship must have been a severe blow to her ego. I remember her crying, "I don't want to be the butch!" into my shoulder, and there was no humor intended.

In short, we are taking our time. Who knows where it will eventually lead? If anything I don't have a choice in the additional fact that I have no more health insurance and my finances are tapped out from my last attempt. If there was any incentive to "just dealing with it", the fact there is no where else to go does wonders.

[JoanneB]

I spent 30+ years utilizing my 3D's, Diversions, Distraction, and Denial, to try to keep the dysphoria locked down. It sort of worked at the cost of my soul. 5-6 years ago after I knew I needed to take on the trans beast for real. In a sense the dysphoria actually got worse. My eyes were finally opened. I slowly allowed myself to have feelings, allowed myself to learn what it is really like to be me. I came to really love being me, and came to hate what I made myself become.

"Show your pride" just may be little subtle body language clues she is picking up on. I know initially I was very tense presenting around my wife. I wanted so badly to protect her from having to deal with this too. My wife seeing Joanne was no longer an abstraction. I tried not revel in the joy of feeling totally genuine. Perhaps because there wasn't that joy knowing the pain I am inflicting?

It took a while for my wife to fully realize and appreciate this new(?) me. I am still a work in process hoping that the road will not end with needing a full transition. My wife, pretty much figures it is only a matter of time after her health issues get under control and our finances. Yet only recently, well over me moving back a year and half ago, has she been really making the effort with pronouns and name when I am presenting as Joanne, and even the occasional when I am not.

It's tough. When you really love the other person, who wants to see them slowly fade away? No matter how much we may want to say and think "We are still the same person inside", TBH - a lot of that person on the inside was very well locked away.

Overall, I'd say your wife appears to keeping an open mind.