Thanks again for all the responses! There is much about me I have never bee comfortable with, and I think I do really need to just start making more steps in "letting her out" to help. Everyone has their own hurdles, and this one is much much bigger for me then it is most. I moved a ton when I was younger, and like many who did was bullied relentlessly as the kids where you're at knew you didn't have "friends" yet. I have always hated claiming "I had it bad", but I can honestly say I've been beaten with boards, maced, and even have a scar along my nose from broken glass.... all from situations forced on me. I developed a kind of rattlesnake "don't tread on me" attitude in my teens that I'm scared to death to lose, even though it hasn't been of use to me for a long time. For a kid who's got scars on my fingers from holding onto the grates on lockers trying to keep from being thrown into the shower again after dressed, a percieved loss of my ability to "fight back" is terrifying. I'm not an inner city kid, on the contrary it was all small very close knit towns. I never felt my life was in danger as it could be for them, but when I'd tell the adults around me my bike got thrown in the creek AGAIN I got a lot of country-song inspired responses.
I'm sincerely hoping as Donna stated that my priorities change during transition, and it's encouraging to see it happened for her with some similar experiences. Outside of the medical professionals and my 2 gay friends, my struggle with this has been private my adult life. Joanna, I am certainly not an alpha but if you saw very brief snapshots of my life I could certainly see people thinking I am... but it's just a fabricated part of me there for protection.
And as Mary Anne was talking about stages of transition and what you desire in your life.... I am actually on my 3rd therapist, and the stubborn snake in me had me leave the last 2 because I felt they were encouraging me to transition when that part of me wanted a therapist to talk me out of it (to say SEE, this is why you CAN'T be trans so that part of me could say "ha, can we get on with life now"). I knew everytime I left though what I want in life, it just was not enough for me to give up the protections from getting hurt I'd set up... the same one's that kept all the people I wanted to get in from getting in. I really think I'm at the stage where I need to knock down some walls for real and for good, thanks everyone for sharing your stories!
