I'm not sure what this therapist is doing for me.

[ImagineKate]

So I've had 3 sessions so far and I'm really really confused. Honestly I'm more than confused. I'm low and depressed to the point of just saying f*** it all.

First of all I find it odd that this therapist isn't working towards some sort of diagnosis. She fast forwarded to the practical aspects, such as coming out at work and working on parents and friends. And my wife, who came with me yesterday. And therein lies the problem - my wife said she wasn't told anything she did not know already and she felt like it was a waste of time.

Then regarding HRT she doesn't seem to have any timeline for it. I'm thinking next session I should just ask? The whole reason I'm there is to get guidance and start back HRT under medical supervision. Since I stopped self medicating I've been a total wreck. She said that I should concentrate on hair removal first. Sorry but that isn't doing a damn thing for my dysphoria. My brain is a mess and the only time I felt right is when I was on the hormones. She even asked yesterday if I would consider low dose to appease my wife... HELL NO. First of all I want full transition. I tried low dose and I was feminizing like on a full dose. Not only that but my sexual function (male) diminished to the point where it wasn't useful for anything. So what's the point? My wife thinks that low dose and living semi closeted (meaning dressing at home only) is the middle ground she wants. Sorry but I can't live with that. And I mean literally.

And not for nothing, I'm 36. I don't want to be starting when I'm 50, 45 or even 40. Every day that goes by in this body I'm dying. I fear it will get worse because it is getting worse. I'm normally a level headed person but I can't concentrate on anything besides being unhappy about myself. I want to enjoy what is left of my life, and I want as much time as possible to grow into being a woman. So this means I need to start ASAP.

At this point I'm just considering going to an informed consent clinic and starting HRT that way. Yes it will be a few months still but at least I have direction on where I'm going. And maybe firing this therapist and getting a new one.

Thoughts?

[ImagineKate]

Also what really hurt yesterday was when my wife basically said that what I was doing is a choice. I guess all that explanation of what are the theoretical causes of transsexualism that I explained to her mean nothing?

[Jade_404]

All I can offer is a cyber hug!  *** hug ***

The/rapists scare the ->-bleeped-<- out of me ever since I was a kid, and I can't even get up the courage to contact one yet. I am 40 and losing time here too

I think for sure you need to ask about starting HRT and explain that the hair removal bit will not help the dysphoria. Why beat around the bush.

Sorry you are stressed !

Love,
Jade

[Brenda E]

Sounds like it might be one of those situations where the patient knows far more than the therapist - not uncommon for someone trans who has been living with this for a long time and a therapist who has taken a couple of classes and seen a few trans patients before.

I was hoping that the therapist had skipped forward to the practical things that need to be done because she's already diagnosed you.  But the fact that she seems oblivious to the obvious fact that you need to be back on hormones worries me.  Time for a new therapist or for informed consent?

Something else that raises a red flag - the therapist should be concerned about your welfare, and not so much concerned about trying to find a compromise that works for your wife while ignoring your clear needs.  Sure, the spouse is vitally important, but not so important that she supersedes the very reason you're there in the first place - transition.  I've found that transition is something that needs a no-compromise approach.  I've tried to accommodate my spouse, but I've found that every time I've done so I've merely made her unhappier and made myself utterly dissatisfied with how untrue I'm allowing myself to be to who I really am.  I've been willing to try all manner of compromises to make the spouse happy, but I'm rapidly finding out that the only compromise acceptable to her would be for me to stay male for the rest of my life.  And my therapist has been an important ally to me through this process by sticking up for me and helping me understand that there are certain things in which I have to put myself first, transition being one.

[ImagineKate]

I've already contacted another therapist this morning. She is more reputable and well known. Let's see how it goes. Honestly though I think I might just go down to the informed consent clinic and get started then worry about the therapist afterwards. Might even save me some money too.

[Zumbagirl]

So you had 3 sessions, what are you expecting? Transitioning isn't about the therapist its about you. You need a plan. A financial plan, a timeline plan, a coming out plan. Then bring this to your therapist and stop sitting there demanding hormones. If you want to change then start spending some of your money on electrolysis, a new wardrobe, planning for whatever surgeries you want and how you will come out both on family-front as well as work and career. You don't need someone to give you permission, you just go ahead and do it. IN the few places where you need some medical referrals, the therapist helps. It's as simple as that. All it takes is the guts to start making the changes. If you want to do a full transition then do it, you don't need anyone and someday when you hit the end of the road you will see that the hormones didn't make much of a difference.

My therapist stuck to the standards of care, 3 months of therapy, then I got to see an endo, as well as a battery of medical tests with a regular doctor. Then I was required to do the full 1 year RLE to get my letters for surgery, which I did. And see I'm still here. I didn't die of despair. But the whole time, the transition process was under my control. Other than the RLE, I set the pace that things would go at, never a therapist or doctor.

[ImagineKate]

So you had 3 sessions, what are you expecting? Transitioning isn't about the therapist its about you. You need a plan. A financial plan, a timeline plan, a coming out plan. Then bring this to your therapist and stop sitting there demanding hormones. If you want to change then start spending some of your money on electrolysis, a new wardrobe, planning for whatever surgeries you want and how you will come out both on family-front as well as work and career. You don't need someone to give you permission, you just go ahead and do it. IN the few places where you need some medical referrals, the therapist helps. It's as simple as that. All it takes is the guts to start making the changes. If you want to do a full transition then do it, you don't need anyone and someday when you hit the end of the road you will see that the hormones didn't make much of a difference.

My therapist stuck to the standards of care, 3 months of therapy, then I got to see an endo, as well as a battery of medical tests with a regular doctor. Then I was required to do the full 1 year RLE to get my letters for surgery, which I did. And see I'm still here. I didn't die of despair. But the whole time, the transition process was under my control. Other than the RLE, I set the pace that things would go at, never a therapist or doctor.

Have you been reading any of my other threads?

I have a plan. I have been shopping for a new wardrobe. Hell I even try stuff on in the store! I have an electrolysis appointment this Thursday and a script for vaniqa (got my dermatologist to prescribe).

Work? I've already talked to HR and they told me how I should approach it.

Surgery? It's way way way too soon for that. But my plan is 2 years then SRS. Maybe VFS before that.

I'm well ahead of the curve here. I just don't want to die anymore and I don't want anyone holding me back. Not my wife (who said flat out she married a man) and especially not a cisgender therapist who does not know what I'm going through except from her classes and seminars. I want someone to affirm me not cast doubt.

Here is what I am going to do.

I have another therapist I contacted. She's my plan b. In the meantime next session I'm going to talk to this one and tell her what I want. If she agrees, then we are good. If she doesn't then she's no longer my therapist. Simple as that.

Meanwhile I'm going to investigate informed consent.

[Zumbagirl]

Have you been reading any of my other threads?

I have a plan. I have been shopping for a new wardrobe. Hell I even try stuff on in the store! I have an electrolysis appointment this Thursday and a script for vaniqa (got my dermatologist to prescribe).

Work? I've already talked to HR and they told me how I should approach it.

Surgery? It's way way way too soon for that. But my plan is 2 years then SRS. Maybe VFS before that.

I'm well ahead of the curve here. I just don't want to die anymore and I don't want anyone holding me back. Not my wife (who said flat out she married a man) and especially not a cisgender therapist who does not know what I'm going through except from her classes and seminars. I want someone to affirm me not cast doubt.

Here is what I am going to do.

I have another therapist I contacted. She's my plan b. In the meantime next session I'm going to talk to this one and tell her what I want. If she agrees, then we are good. If she doesn't then she's no longer my therapist. Simple as that.

Meanwhile I'm going to investigate informed consent.

I don't get it then. You are making progress right? I know when it hit me, I am pretty sure I was like everyone else in that if I could get it all done in a day I would. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I know I was bummed too. One thing that really helped me was doing massive amounts of electrolysis upfront. I was averaging 12 hours a week. I am going to guess and say it took me about 120 hours maybe to the point where my face could be kept clean week to week. That was a pretty significant investment in time and that was the point where I knew I could effectively live full time. I used to come into work at 5AM, leave flying out the door at 3PM and drive 2 hours just so I could get these huge electro appointment sessions. Since I would be in the car for hours I would take the time to work on my voice. At the same time I was growing my hair out so I was feeling good about that as well. I kept my eyes on the real prize which was full time living. In the end I had to reel my dates in since there were no job protections in those days and I was terminated when the coming out day was approaching.

Have you given any thought about your marriage? if you wife doesn't want to be with a woman and it comes to divorce will you be able to keep your transition going while all of that is ongoing as well?

[suzifrommd]

Therapists generally will not tell you when you're ready for hormones, or to suggest them to you. They'll typically wait for you to tell them that you're ready.

[ImagineKate]

Therapists generally will not tell you when you're ready for hormones, or to suggest them to you. They'll typically wait for you to tell them that you're ready.

I did not know that. I thought they said at least that I should be thinking about it. Now I know what I have to do, which is lead the conversation as to my plan.

Last night I did write her an email saying that I felt like I was wasting time and nobody is going to convince my wife (which my wife said, not me) so don't concentrate on that. She replied and said that everything is according to my pace, not hers.

Today I emailed her and said I want to get at least evaluated by the endo.

We'll see how it goes.

[ImagineKate]

Have you given any thought about your marriage? if you wife doesn't want to be with a woman and it comes to divorce will you be able to keep your transition going while all of that is ongoing as well?

This is all in my coming out thread. Yes, I've given it lots of thought and divorce will be amicable if it even comes to that. I'm fine with letting the house and everything else go to her as long as I get access to the kids (and not once a month). For now though it might end up being in place separation if we can't work it out. I've even talked to HR about insurance (I'm on her insurance now) and I have back up plans there too.

[m1anderson]

Kate, I am not that different than you in my place in the process, just a little farther along in life.

I questioned the role and need for a therapist as well (question her all the time as to what indeed she provides me), but use her as a tool in the journey. I mirror the comments that it is really about me telling her the pace I need to move forward.

In the four short months I have seen her, I have always questioned her role, and my needs to use her in the process. I have a timeline I plan on executing from telling the spouse, to seeing an Endo, to starting HRT. The Therapist just gives validation that I understand all the difficulties in my life and how they relate to executing a plan; that steps are being met. I have come to realize that Therapists do not offer answers, but are a safe talking environment to vocally work out your plans and processes to validate you are ready, especially when you really have no one else in your current environment that you can talk with about all facets of your life and needs. That's all she is or does, and I guess that's her role.

I don't necessarily want to take the time, or spend the monies it takes to be in therapy, but realistically, besides typing in this site, there really is no one that can question or affirm that I understand what/who I am, the significance for needing/going forward with the goal to aligning myself with the natural conclusion.

Therapy moving forward after starting with HRT soon, probably more invaluable. No one knows how their personal journey will happen in the future; it could be fast and spectacular, nothing good whatsoever, or somewhere in between (likely). This is where I will need a sounding board, someone that I can talk about my frustrations in the middle ground of my transition between what I am today and what I envision I would like to become. This is where the ground work of establishing my relationship with my Therapist becomes clear to me. What she is now and what she provides, I believe, is nothing in comparison to what she will be for me when I am awkward, questioning, frustrated, confused in the first 15 months of transition.

She agrees I am ready to begin and after I asked, suggested a renowned Endo for me. But it was after we talked that I realized that it will only be always based on showing my initiative is understood and warranted.

[stephaniec]

I would think a therapist would come in handy with the potential loss of wife, kids, relatives, home, job and dealing with a 180 degree gender change

[ImagineKate]

I would think a therapist would come in handy with the potential loss of wife, kids, relatives, home, job and dealing with a 180 degree gender change

Truth be told, I have lost all of these and more in various stages of my life already, some of them together. I coped with that and I'm much stronger now. I have learned to not let anything slow me down in pursuit of my goals and that many things can be replaced. Relatives - I'm not really close to most of them and they eventually do come around.

[ImagineKate]

Well my therapist said she was leaving the practice, so I had to find a new one. I have an appt with the new one tomorrow. Let's see how it goes.

However in the last session I did explain my needs and we agreed on HRT and she said I was in a good place. She said she'll write a letter if necessary.

[Mariah]

Good luck with the new Endo. I'm glad to hear she would at least right the letter for you if needed. Hugs
Mariah

Well my therapist said she was leaving the practice, so I had to find a new one. I have an appt with the new one tomorrow. Let's see how it goes.

However in the last session I did explain my needs and we agreed on HRT and she said I was in a good place. She said she'll write a letter if necessary.

[ImagineKate]

Good luck with the new Endo. I'm glad to hear she would at least right the letter for you if needed. Hugs
Mariah

NY is informed consent anyways so I have options. Very excited not only because of the endo but because they integrate with my primary care

[Mariah]

Cool. My primary care doctor is working with the Endo to keep my trips down do to my Endo being 3 and half hours away. It's nice you can deal with one to do both. I wish that possible in my case, but it is what it is.
Mariah.

NY is informed consent anyways so I have options. Very excited not only because of the endo but because they integrate with my primary care

[ImagineKate]

Went to new therapist today. Can't say she's "better" yet but certainly seems understanding of the issues. I see her again in a couple of weeks.

But I am getting a good vibe from her. She actually did delve more into my childhood than the other one, and explored the current issues I'm having with my wife.

[Jessika]

At my 3rd visit my Therapist told me she was hesitant to write me the Letter because she wants to make sure I have support or start support. My wife wants to support me and I will bring her face to face with my Therapist to my 4th visit. She wants to see my wife face to face.

Had my Psychologist (M.D.) visit today and he pretty much confirmed I'm of sound mind and wished me luck. I was so happy about that. I teared up a little. I guess he will write his letter for my Therapist to give to me with hers?