Hey everyone,
I'm 20 years old and I've identified as gay since I was 15 I think. For a while I identified as butch but I stopped doing that because I felt that I didn't look the part (because of my mom that tries as best as she can to make me be as feminine as she can possibly make me be). I'd never really considered ->-bleeped-<-/transsexuality as an option until several weeks ago, and haven't considered it seriously until a couple of weeks ago and had an unusually strong emotional response to the thought. I do remember that when I first heard about it, my mom was on the phone talking to a friend about a person that was intersex, undergone surgery and started identifying as the opposite sex and I remember wishing I was that person. This incident probably happened late in middle school or even early in high school.
I've never felt like I fit in anywhere, never really made close friendships, always felt like I didn't belong. I feel socially awkward and incompetent most of the time. But I don't ever remember feeling like I wanted to be a boy when I was a kid. I know I played with toy cars and didn't like dolls, but I don't think that says much on its own. This scares me because as I've started reading up on being transgender, knowing since childhood seems to be the overarching theme.
Somehow along the way I've managed to adopt male mannerisms which I think is weird because there was never a strong male presence during my childhood or as I was growing up. As a Muslim Arab I've spent most of my life around females, which makes me wonder where I get the way I act from. I don't think there's anything that's stereotypically feminine that I like.
Another thing that confuses me is that over the past year I've concluded that I'm asexual. A friend of mine suggested this jokingly when she pointed out the fact that I'm utterly oblivious to the mention of sex and apparently have no sex drive at all. I thought about it and realized it very much could be true: I've had someone I had a huge crush on me tell me they want to have sex and all I did was brush it off every time they said that. Now I'm wondering whether this might have anything with me (possibly) being trans. Or that I'm both trans and ace, who knows.
Also, I gather that dislike of one's reproductive organs is inherent to being trans. I'm kind of indifferent, and probably averse to male organs. I mentioned this to a therapist I saw a couple of days ago and his conclusion to what I said (along with everything else I mentioned) was that I was probably a lesbian (I hate this word) that likes to dress as a guy (which I don't really do because of my mom but I'd love to). He did tell me that I need to explore my sexuality to be able to figure myself out (which is something I'm disinclined to do because, well.. I'm not interested in sex). I've never been in a relationship before. Would this be an important thing to explore, you think?
I've typed out way too much I think so, yeah this is me. I don't wanna go by my name at the moment, although I do like it and I've recently discovered that it was originally a male name.
Decided to come here in hope that this place will help clear things out for me. I can't stand having to act the way my mom wants me to now, not now that I've had this recent revelation that "I'm not who I am." I started binding last week and it makes me feel great. I have to revert back to being "normal" over the weekends when I'm back home from college though, which sucks.
I'll quit ranting now, but I'm glad this place exists.
