Am I trans?

[Mara]

I keep going back and forth on this when analyzing myself. I am not looking for validation. I would just like to figure myself out, and I think (or hope) that you all can provide some great insight.

Reasons I might be trans:

1. Being called 'dude', 'man', or 'bro' has always been really off-putting to me, but I never knew why. It always feels really annoying and stupid, and I cannot stand being around guys (or girls) who treat me like that.

2. In the same vein, I have a really difficult time relating to guys period. I have a much easier time relating to and being friends with women (and I guess gay men as well).

3. I have spent a lot of time thinking about being able to wear women's clothes, and at one point I did purchase a bunch of them along with hip/breast forms and tried cross-dressing in private (I would never do it in public). I just felt disappointed with what I saw in the mirror though, and I have thrown it all away and currently own nothing cross-dresser related. If I ever get my own place again, I am definitely going to go all out.

4. I really hate having to be stoic and show a limited range of emotions. Because of how people have treated me in the past, I now show very little emotion to most people because I do not feel like I can really express myself without people hating me.

5. I have been depressed since I was like 11, and I have experienced a huge amount of social phobia as well.

6. People have often criticized me for not being properly masculine. This has to do with a million little things that are sometimes difficult to pin down. Like, people have criticized how I stand and sit, my use of hand gestures, my voice, my hair, and how I acted in many situations. I have to police myself. Or more often, I just avoid social situations.

7. I used to really hate my body. I'm not sure if it was body dysphoria or not though.

8. There have been a lot of times when I wanted feminine things or subconsciously identified with something that was directed at women.

Reasons I might not be trans:

1. I might have just made this all up in an attempt to explain my depression. I have mistakenly thought I was things in the past. I thought I was bipolar for a long time, but I'm probably not (and my therapist told me I'm not).

2. I don't hate my body as much anymore. I used to hate everything about it and thought obsessively about it for a long time, especially when I was really going through puberty in high school. Now, I'll be 25 soon, and I have mostly made peace with it. I mean, I don't think much about it. So if I don't experience strong, persistent body dysphoria, I don't see how I could be trans. I feel ugly, but that isn't the same.

3. I'm turned on by fetish activity. So this could all just be a result of that. Its hard to sort out because it seems like the female gender role has been hyper-sexualized in our society.

4. I've worked hard to succeed as a male, and I feel really horrible that I am not succeeding as one really. I feel completely worthless every day because I did not choose a career path that was more masculine (i.e. engineering). I hate that I couldn't enjoy having guy friends even when I lived with them. I guess I just hate myself for having these sorts of feelings and being this way. I feel disgusting. I often wish that I could enjoy being male more, but I don't.

5. I think it is insulting to my mother and sisters to think it is even possible that I'm trans. It just feels impossible for me.

6. I'm not really interested in transitioning. The main reasons for that are that it is very expensive, I hate doctors and especially surgeries, and I know I wouldn't pass. And I don't even know if it is what I would really want.

7. Whatever feminine essence is exactly, I'm not sure that I always had it. I think I was a stereotypical little boy in a lot of ways. I definitely didn't always know, and I don't remember wanting to be a woman when I was a kid really.

I know that you all can't tell me what label I should use or what I am exactly, and I'm sure most of you think labels aren't that important in the first place. What I'm looking for is more whether or not I should be on these forums at all, and if yes, what should I do (besides going to see a gender therapist) to help me understand and/or deal with this.

Thank you for any advice.

[samblack]

Reasons I might not be trans:

1. I might have just made this all up in an attempt to explain my depression. I have mistakenly thought I was things in the past. I thought I was bipolar for a long time, but I'm probably not (and my therapist told me I'm not).

I can relate in a lot of ways. I think I'm FTM. but that first reason up there in the quote... that is something I feel all the time. "is this just an escape because I hate my true self!?" I still dont know the answer to that one. I have moments where my gut reaction is that I really am FTM but then I have other fleeting moments that are the opposite.
as for thinking you aren't trans because of what other people might feel or think... I don't think that is a reason why you may not be trans. You really have to remove yourself from context. I try laying in bed and telling myself, if I was born brand new where no one else mattered, what would I want? It is hard to accept something that will affect those around you but you have to be true to yourself. Even if its just to admit it and you never followed through with it, you would still be who you are despite how you decide to look. for example, even if I accept the fact that I am FTM I may not chose to transition because I have children. I would still be transgender, but I wouldn't change my body. That is my personal thought and opinion.
I can't offer you many answers because I'm questioning my own gender identity. I'm so confused. But I can tell you that you are not alone and there are a lot of other people who are in a similar situation.

[suzifrommd]

I also never hated my body, never felt female, have fetishist fantasies, but I am totally trans. Cisgender people pretty much never question their gender.

[PucksWaywardSon]

It's totally normal to question yourself about these things. It might be worth taking a step back, write all those pros and cons down and specifically address each of them from the other side.

Think about what each of those cons might really mean if true, and then what you'd say to counter the gremlin that came up with each one if it's not, maybe see which one feels closer to the truth. It might be a mix. There doesn't have to be a binary! And this is huge. There'd honestly be more to worry about if you WERE completely sure without question at first... or ever, possibly.

[Gothic Dandy]

Well, here's my blunt opinion. Not that you have to listen. 

Your reasons you might be trans all sound like strong reasons, and ones that I've heard on these forums a thousand times. Your reasons you might NOT be trans sound like excuses.

[Mara]

Well, here's my blunt opinion. Not that you have to listen. 

Your reasons you might be trans all sound like strong reasons, and ones that I've heard on these forums a thousand times. Your reasons you might NOT be trans sound like excuses.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I just don't feel like I'm overflowing with whatever it is that makes it obvious that I am trans. At the same time, I feel like these feelings, whatever they are, have made me very depressed and caused a lot of suffering for years and years. They're something I can't ignore, but I'm not sure that means I should go see a therapist to get approved for hormones.

I can relate in a lot of ways. I think I'm FTM. but that first reason up there in the quote... that is something I feel all the time. "is this just an escape because I hate my true self!?" I still dont know the answer to that one. I have moments where my gut reaction is that I really am FTM but then I have other fleeting moments that are the opposite.
as for thinking you aren't trans because of what other people might feel or think... I don't think that is a reason why you may not be trans. You really have to remove yourself from context. I try laying in bed and telling myself, if I was born brand new where no one else mattered, what would I want? It is hard to accept something that will affect those around you but you have to be true to yourself. Even if its just to admit it and you never followed through with it, you would still be who you are despite how you decide to look. for example, even if I accept the fact that I am FTM I may not chose to transition because I have children. I would still be transgender, but I wouldn't change my body. That is my personal thought and opinion.
I can't offer you many answers because I'm questioning my own gender identity. I'm so confused. But I can tell you that you are not alone and there are a lot of other people who are in a similar situation.

Thank you Sam. It is good to know I'm not alone.

It is really hard to answer if I would be happier being born with a female body instead. I feel like I will never find happiness no matter what. And I guess I'm having trouble thinking of that because I guess that would make me a lesbian then?

I also never hated my body, never felt female, have fetishist fantasies, but I am totally trans. Cisgender people pretty much never question their gender.

How did you figure out that you are trans? If you don't mind sharing.

I think I'm only questioning my gender though because I found out that it is possible to question it via sites like this. For years, I have thought of myself as having a brain that was more female than male, but I didn't make the leap to questioning gender until a few months ago when I read stuff online.

It's totally normal to question yourself about these things. It might be worth taking a step back, write all those pros and cons down and specifically address each of them from the other side.

Think about what each of those cons might really mean if true, and then what you'd say to counter the gremlin that came up with each one if it's not, maybe see which one feels closer to the truth. It might be a mix. There doesn't have to be a binary! And this is huge. There'd honestly be more to worry about if you WERE completely sure without question at first... or ever, possibly.

If the cons are true, I suppose it means that I would continue living as male, which I am almost definitely going to do anyway even if they aren't true and I would be better off transitioning.





I would probably be best off in a sort of 3rd gender for feminine males that allowed for a great degree of gender fluidity. Several societies have a third gender or had them in the past. Reading about them is what made me realize there might be something to my feelings. But, those don't exist here. We're stuck with the binary. So I feel stuck as male. I would like to just bury these feelings and not have to worry about them any more because, if that is what I am, then there is no solution for me.

[Jessica Merriman]

If you even think you might be trans it is time for a Therapist preferably with gender experience. I have read literally hundreds of post's like yours. Guess what? Non trans people do not think about this stuff at all. You need to talk to a professional at this point. By the way, we do not transition to pass, we transition to live. 

PS- I tried to bury my feelings for 40 years. Eventually it wears you down to where action is required.

[androgynouspainter26]

Listen, I'm not a wizard of gender (a mildly talented sorceress at BEST), but what you're saying sounds very, very similar to some of the things that were going through my mind.  I can't tell you where to go from here, but I will say this-you probably are trans if you're experiencing all of these symptoms.  I mean, you posted here, did you not?  And hey, body dysphoria shows itself in odd ways.  I didn't think I had any of it at all all, until I started transitioning...after that, everything sort of fell into place, and a lot of what I'd been suppressing came to surface.

And hey, if you'd like absolutely send me an email (address is by my profile)...all of this sounds very familiar, and if you'd like to chat about this stuff, I'm absolutely happy to help...

[Jasper93]

I keep going back and forth on this when analyzing myself. I am not looking for validation. I would just like to figure myself out, and I think (or hope) that you all can provide some great insight.

Reasons I might be trans:

1. Being called 'dude', 'man', or 'bro' has always been really off-putting to me, but I never knew why. It always feels really annoying and stupid, and I cannot stand being around guys (or girls) who treat me like that.

2. In the same vein, I have a really difficult time relating to guys period. I have a much easier time relating to and being friends with women (and I guess gay men as well).

3. I have spent a lot of time thinking about being able to wear women's clothes, and at one point I did purchase a bunch of them along with hip/breast forms and tried cross-dressing in private (I would never do it in public). I just felt disappointed with what I saw in the mirror though, and I have thrown it all away and currently own nothing cross-dresser related. If I ever get my own place again, I am definitely going to go all out.

4. I really hate having to be stoic and show a limited range of emotions. Because of how people have treated me in the past, I now show very little emotion to most people because I do not feel like I can really express myself without people hating me.

5. I have been depressed since I was like 11, and I have experienced a huge amount of social phobia as well.

6. People have often criticized me for not being properly masculine. This has to do with a million little things that are sometimes difficult to pin down. Like, people have criticized how I stand and sit, my use of hand gestures, my voice, my hair, and how I acted in many situations. I have to police myself. Or more often, I just avoid social situations.

7. I used to really hate my body. I'm not sure if it was body dysphoria or not though.

8. There have been a lot of times when I wanted feminine things or subconsciously identified with something that was directed at women.

Reasons I might not be trans:

1. I might have just made this all up in an attempt to explain my depression. I have mistakenly thought I was things in the past. I thought I was bipolar for a long time, but I'm probably not (and my therapist told me I'm not).

2. I don't hate my body as much anymore. I used to hate everything about it and thought obsessively about it for a long time, especially when I was really going through puberty in high school. Now, I'll be 25 soon, and I have mostly made peace with it. I mean, I don't think much about it. So if I don't experience strong, persistent body dysphoria, I don't see how I could be trans. I feel ugly, but that isn't the same.

3. I'm turned on by fetish activity. So this could all just be a result of that. Its hard to sort out because it seems like the female gender role has been hyper-sexualized in our society.

4. I've worked hard to succeed as a male, and I feel really horrible that I am not succeeding as one really. I feel completely worthless every day because I did not choose a career path that was more masculine (i.e. engineering). I hate that I couldn't enjoy having guy friends even when I lived with them. I guess I just hate myself for having these sorts of feelings and being this way. I feel disgusting. I often wish that I could enjoy being male more, but I don't.

5. I think it is insulting to my mother and sisters to think it is even possible that I'm trans. It just feels impossible for me.

6. I'm not really interested in transitioning. The main reasons for that are that it is very expensive, I hate doctors and especially surgeries, and I know I wouldn't pass. And I don't even know if it is what I would really want.

7. Whatever feminine essence is exactly, I'm not sure that I always had it. I think I was a stereotypical little boy in a lot of ways. I definitely didn't always know, and I don't remember wanting to be a woman when I was a kid really.

I know that you all can't tell me what label I should use or what I am exactly, and I'm sure most of you think labels aren't that important in the first place. What I'm looking for is more whether or not I should be on these forums at all, and if yes, what should I do (besides going to see a gender therapist) to help me understand and/or deal with this.

Thank you for any advice.

Hello, even as late as last summer, I felt A LOT of what you've delineated in your post.  Honestly, I've come to the conclusion within myself that the most prominent symptom that you might be trans is feeling like you might be trans.  Seriously, there are a myriad of reasons that someone can feel trans, in my opinion, and absolutely none of them are inferior in respect to the others.  I think that, for some, it's purely biological: something they've felt within themselves as early as they can possibly remember.  For others, maybe components of it are biological, in that they just subconsciously think and act more feminine than masculine -- and are consequently more likely to feel overwhelmingly out of place after living in this society for so long.  And maybe for others, it *is* fetishistic, but does that fetish make them any less deserving of being who they really are? Is that fetish, as some might say, the cause for feeling trans? Maybe the fetish is a just result of feeling so out-of-place; what I'm trying to get at is that whether or not you're "really" trans is a hella complex issue.  I'll share why my story is similar to yours:

See, I turn 21-years-old later this month, and I remember, at the age of about 6, having these intense desires to become physically female.  I have no idea whatsoever what caused these feelings, as I didn't really even know the differences between males and females in regards to their roles in society, or even a lot of their anatomy.  I just felt more female than male, and so, I'd dress up here and there as a female -- in secret of course, just because it made me feel more comfortable with myself.  But, at the same time, I'd get erections while doing so (at that age, you're obviously not driven by sex, and I didn't even have the slightest clue what erections meant), so things get really hard to sort out for me here.

Throughout my school years, the feelings subsided much more than they persisted; hell, I didn't even know you could actually change genders until I was a freshman in college (and, of course, that's where things got REALLY difficult for me).  But, nonetheless, I was extremely socially awkward, very feminine-acting, and I also felt really out of place for many years.  As I approached late high school (keep in mind, I still didn't know what "transgender" meant), I started inherently acting even *more* feminine than before.  I started doing feminine things, acting super feminine in relationships/friendships, and also started to hate my body (even though I had a very athletic build that many of my peers would have killed for).  I'm going to cut this already-too-long post short by fast-forwarding to my freshman year of college, where I learned what "transgender" meant; this is where I acknowledged that being female is essentially what I've wanted to do all along.  I'd try to push the feelings away, but only succeed for a span of days; then they'd come back even stronger.  It got to the point that I couldn't correctly function -- in almost any way that you can think of -- without giving in and embarking on my journey of aligning my appearance with the visceral me.

None of what I mentioned above is exactly "typical" per se, but the feeling that I'm trans has been eating away at me to the point that it eventually engulfed me, so maybe that's how you know: Whenever you feel like you can't get your mind off of it.  It's not normal.

[Jasper93]

I keep going back and forth on this when analyzing myself. I am not looking for validation. I would just like to figure myself out, and I think (or hope) that you all can provide some great insight.

Reasons I might be trans:

3. I have spent a lot of time thinking about being able to wear women's clothes, and at one point I did purchase a bunch of them along with hip/breast forms and tried cross-dressing in private (I would never do it in public). I just felt disappointed with what I saw in the mirror though, and I have thrown it all away and currently own nothing cross-dresser related. If I ever get my own place again, I am definitely going to go all out.

Also, I'm two months into male-to-female HRT, and I've seen drastic changes in respect to my appearance.  I mention this because last summer, I cross-dressed myself once -- just to see if maybe it's too late for me to transition and pass -- and I was incredibly disappointed with what I saw in the mirror.  I was way too muscular (in my opinion), my skin was too oily and rough looking, and I thought that my face was too masculine.  But now, at two months in, I've lost 30 pounds of muscle (this is extreme, by the way....I've stripped my diet of most of its protein lol), my skin is glowy and feminine, and my face looks much more feminine in spite of me being skinnier than before.  HRT has even altered my appearance to the point that people at my part-time job that I started working at recently, after I took six-month "break", still do not know who the heck I am -- and they used to chat with me every day.  Moreover, this guy who served me yesterday at my college's dining court either "ma'am'd" me or said, "What all would you like on that, (awkward two-second pause), man?" LOL.

There are other drastic changes, but my point is: If you come upon the decision to transition, do not let what you currently see get in the way.  Essentially, you're stripping the male off of a skeleton and replacing it with a female, through undergoing HRT.   And, at the same time, don't feel like exploring your sexual desires, by "going all-out", for example, is something to be ashamed of.  It's very common, and using cross-dressing as an avenue to quench sexual thirst is something that even I have done before.

[Jasper93]

4. I've worked hard to succeed as a male, and I feel really horrible that I am not succeeding as one really. I feel completely worthless every day because I did not choose a career path that was more masculine (i.e. engineering). I hate that I couldn't enjoy having guy friends even when I lived with them. I guess I just hate myself for having these sorts of feelings and being this way. I feel disgusting. I often wish that I could enjoy being male more, but I don't.

Also, based on this alone, I recommend messaging me if you ever need someone to talk to.  I can relate all too well.  See, I remember my senior year of high school being super stressful because I knew that the colleges I'd get accepted into would, in many ways, determine how successful I'd be as an adult.  I knew that if I wanted to be a respected male, not only did I have to be good-looking, like I already was, but I also had to pursue a "worthy" career one day so that worthwhile women would want me someday (since, of course, I lacked any extroversion/confidence/masculinity whatsoever).  Consequently, even though I'm like the biggest poetic, language-oriented person I've ever met, I'd try really hard to work my way through college majors that didn't suit me at all (e.g.: computer science, engineering) just so I could fit into society's mold of a real man by one day landing an amazing job. 

The way  I see it: Society obviously makes it hard for people who, internally, are not male to live life as a successful male.  Males are expected to be successful, to act like pigs, to treat women like meat, to make money, to be confident, to not express emotion, etc., etc., etc.  If that's not you, then what does society make you feel like? They make you feel like you're sub-par (same goes for women who aren't what society deems as "feminine").

The bottom line: Be you. Absolutely do whatever it takes to be you, and I promise that happiness and self-security will arrive.

[suzifrommd]

How did you figure out that you are trans? If you don't mind sharing.

Don't mind at all. That's why we're here.

I've always wanted to be a woman. At a counselor's suggestion, I started going out dressed and presenting as a female. I did this in several social situations, including a trans-inclusive all-female reading group and a divorced and separated support group. Being female felt "right". It got to the point that returning to my male regular life seemed onerous and drab.

My therapist is very much an  advocate of not trying to label myself, but instead figuring out how I want to live. That made the question a lot easier, because once I knew I wanted to live as a woman, it really didn't matter whether I was trans, MtF, non-binary, etc.

Does that help?

[Brenda E]

Mara, you forgot reason 9 that you might be trans:  You came to this specific site looking for answers.  People who aren't trans don't usually come to transgender support sites and ask questions.

[PucksWaywardSon]

That all said though... questioning is a big thing. How you end up defining what Trans* means to you is something that only you can answer. Maybe it's not going to end up being the right word that you want to label yourself with.

Ultimately figuring out what you need to do in general to be happy, rather than what label you want to use, is probably the more important question. Labels are useful for telling other people about yourself, but are kinda crap at telling yourself who you are. (I really need to take my own advice on this, so I'm well aware it probably sounds a bit fluffy and unachievable)

[Edge]

Have you talked about this with your therapist? That's usually the first thing people suggest and for good reason.
Personally, I'd also suggest trying to get other people's opinions and stereotypes out of your head. Ignore "masculine" and "feminine" for awhile or whether you're "too much" of one or the other. If you could live as whoever you want to be without criticism or judgement, who would you be? Who do you want to be? For me, things became a lot clearly once I figured out who I am and who I want to be regardless of what other people think about it.

[Raelyn2]

Mara, you forgot reason 9 that you might be trans:  You came to this specific site looking for answers.  People who aren't trans don't usually come to transgender support sites and ask questions.

Do non-trans people not ever question their gender? Curious at some point?

[suzifrommd]

Do non-trans people not ever question their gender? Curious at some point?

No. They pretty much don't.

[Brenda E]

No. They pretty much don't.

^ This is correct ^

Questioning gender - at least in more than a passing fashion - tends to be a uniquely trans thing to do.

[Edge]

Actually, I know a few cis people who questioned their gender for awhile and then came to the conclusion that they are cis. I think it would be very rude to tell them that they are actually trans just because they considered it.

[Brenda E]

Actually, I know a few cis people who questioned their gender for awhile and then came to the conclusion that they are cis. I think it would be very rude to tell them that they are actually trans just because they considered it.

I'm sure almost everyone has at some point wondered, "Hmmm, I wonder what it's like to be a girl/boy?"  But that's far different from a protracted, nagging worry that one might not be in the correct gender, culminating in actually coming to sites like this and laying everything out on the table.  Just my opinion, of course, but cis people rarely - if ever - genuinely question their genders.  Casual speculation in an idle moment, maybe.  But thoughts that don't disappear in a short period of time?