Is my mom manipulative?

[Auroramarianna]

I have always had my mother in the highest esteem but I am not sure now. I think she's been manipulative the whole way and I have been in denial about who she really is. Obviously my perception of her is very affected since I came out, but it's still very real. She reacted very badly to me coming out, crying and screaming.


My mom says things such as she doesn't like gays who are "sissies", only those who are normal. When I was with her once and we're on a reception, and she said the man made her grossed out cause he was totally "affected". I was so angry at her, you couldn't believe it. I had been struggling with bullying and social exclusion and my femininity ridiculed by others and I just couldn't handle how she commented about the poor man. "He's not normal!". "->-bleeped-<-got" about a man who was serving at restaurant who was rude to us. I am visibly feminine, kind of tiny and with a high voice, so it gets worse with this kind of evidence that I may be different and thinking that they should know better.

My mom after I came out started telling me she couldn't get enough sleep. She said I should just accept myself for who I am. She said to me after I told her she could and should have fun, that "as you can imagine, I'm not in mood for parties or anything like that at the time". I felt incredibly guilty when she said it. I really felt I was putting her through pain she didn't deserve.

Since I came out to her, I begged her I wanted to stay with the same therapist. She said she was against her when we went to my chidhood doctor, for not telling her about what I was going through, I told her conversations were confidential and she should respect that. So she decided I would be seeing another therapist and psychiatric who tried to diagnose me with Asperger's, but it came inconclusive, and it was all very forced. Now my mom wants to know what my conversations with my therapist are about. When she asked, I stormed out of the kicthen and didn't answer, she came after me and told me not to be this way, to look at her and told me "isn't it normal to be worried about how you feel?". So yeah. She says I shouldn't shave or wax as it's abnormal for boys my age, and that I should get over it. I asked if she thought I was an abnormal, and she just said "omg stop it, this is painful for your mother, that's a horrible thing of you to say. I would love even if you were an abnormal"... I'm not sure, but I don't actually think she's proving her love here. More like, if I do certain things, I will become an abnormal to her and it hurts me.

She believes family is not a democracy As such, any decision that parents feel is wrong for their children, they will undo them. Parents have the final call. That's what she believes in and now I'm scared. I'm scared because I think my mother is a total different person from what I expected and thought, and because I don't know how she will react to me if I start transition, in small steps. The worst of all was my dad, who said he would rather die than have a child changing sex. He said in a mocking way.

[suzifrommd]

In a word, yes. Worse than manipulative, she has lost sight of your pain because of her fear. Your father as well.

As such, any decision that parents feel is wrong for their children, they will undo them. Parents have the final call. That's what she believes in and now I'm scared. I'm scared because I think my mother is a total different person from what I expected and thought, and because I don't know how she will react to me if I start transition, in small steps. The worst of all was my dad, who said he would rather die than have a child changing sex. He said in a mocking way.

Do you have another adult who can listen to you and give advice, and maybe intervene with your parents? Someone at school, maybe, or at a local LGBT organization. Your parents need to be told that this is not a choice you are making, and I'm afraid they will not hear it from you. Sure, you should probably tell them that this is not a choice you're making, and that it is agonizing to continue pretending. Tell it to them often. But I don't think they'll hear it from you.

[Tessa James]

Our dear Suzi is right on IMO, and you have a heartbreaking circumstance at home.  I also knew what my parents thought of me being such a sissy and for getting the near daily harassment and bullying in school.  My solution then was to leave home at 16 but that is not what I would recommend for you.  I waited till my folks were gone to finally come out trans; another bad idea.  They never really knew me or wanted to and that made it easier for me to seek independence early.  There are adults out there, as you know, who will support you.

Parenting does not have to be so regimented and lacking in empathy or compassion for your feelings and situation.  I hope that you can find someone or some resources that might help them understand.  Sadly there is no one that can make them care to listen to the mountains of available advice about supporting you.  You are very bright and likely will consider your future independence from them somewhere over the rainbow and on your horizon for realtime. 

Unless you are physically harming them or using abusive language they are responsible for their own emotions.  Other parents I have met will stop at nothing to love and support their trans kids.  There are other ways to respond if only they will consider them.  Please stay true and strong about being yourself.  Your day will come.

[Ms Grace]

True, families often aren't democracies (they can be but that's another matter), please remind her of that when it comes to choosing what nursing home to put her in. 

Yes, she is being manipulative and selfish; as to what you can do about it living under her roof and (presumably) still dependent on her I'm not so sure. She sounds like she is pretty much beyond reasoning with and bigoted, homophobic and transphobic to boot. I wish I could be more helpful.

[DanielleA]

Either way it could take your mum some time to get used to the idea of you being female. A couple of years ago my mum said that "transgender/ gay ect should all be killed and that they do not add to society". But given time she came around to accept that she loves me regardless of my presentation and we have been bff ever since. There was a rocky start but real honesty and our strong connection pulled us through. I hope everything works out

[TSJasmine]

This really hits me close to home. My mom is kind of the same way. She always tells me that she wishes I would "just be myself". It's so depressing. Also, my dad moved out when I started transitioning & told me it was all my fault because I was giving him "problems". Honestly though, if you want to do what I did, I didn't give two facks. I have always been EXTREMELY feminine & I knew what I wanted & did it regardless of both of my parents being against it. I've never been the type to allow anyone else to rule over my happiness. If you genuinely are certain of who you are then do it. They'll eventually have to accept it in time. My mom may not call me her daughter even though I look like a girl & my hair is even down to my @ss but I've come to accept it. I honestly don't care what either of my parents think. Has it been tough? Yes, definitely. Lots of tears & severe depression & I was insanely suicidal before HRT but I wouldn't trade the past 4 years of my life for anything. I was never able to imagine myself as a boy & I still can't because I'm not one. You must be really young but I knew I was trans & was transitioning when I was 14. I'm 18 now & I'm happy & content. Don't ever let anyone rule over your happiness. Be yourself regardless of anyone

[Auroramarianna]

My dad moved out too. He doesn't care and he's selfish. He prefers it this way so he doesn't have to deal with his father responsibilities. He claims he did it for us and so we could have more stability but we're actually more unstable this way and I know better. He's had girlfriends, and he goes to vacation without telling us anything or involving us in his plans, and then lol, phones us when he's about to go in the plane.

I have no words for my mom, though. She is exactly everything she complains in my father. She's selfish, insensitive, and only her opinion matters. I can see how detached she was from my problems and how there's a huge part of myself that's not acknowledged by anyone in my family and I'm really left alone facing this. When I was with my previous therapist, she probably was more concerned with my fairiness than whether I felt socially integrated or not.

Now she stills talks to me as if I could go after my girl friends, because they are cute and whatnot, but I would more easily talk to them about boys than chase them. She pretends she knows no better. I swear. There's some kind of twisted manipulation. How after what I told her can she act as if I'm cis & straight?? Anyway, I already wax, shave and I also pluck my eyebrows. But I hide everything from her.

When I was 14 and had my emotional breakdown, I told her I felt more like a girl and then she put me in the psychologist. I brought that into one of our heated conversations, and she said a conversation like that couldn't be taken seriously, basically, that she didn't care because it doesn't prove anything. She also told me I must have doubts, because everyone does, so I should go to a therapist that could cure this. She's been talking about people who are terminally ill, in horrible pain and how I should value I'm not like them. She said I should simply life. And if I lived in a poor area, I wouldn't be thinking about this. So I don't understand what I can do. It seems like if I tell my parents about any difficulty, they'll brush it off, invalidate me and tell me there's somebody who's got it worse than me.

[suzifrommd]

She also told me I must have doubts, because everyone does, so I should go to a therapist that could cure this. She's been talking about people who are terminally ill, in horrible pain and how I should value I'm not like them. She said I should simply life. And if I lived in a poor area, I wouldn't be thinking about this. So I don't understand what I can do. It seems like if I tell my parents about any difficulty, they'll brush it off, invalidate me and tell me there's somebody who's got it worse than me.

Hugs, Aurora. This is a very tough situation to be in. Having a parent that doesn't get it is hard. Having a parent that doesn't care enough educate herself is a serious trial.

Please reach out to whomever you can for help. This is a burden you shouldn't have to bear alone.

And please know this: You deserve a sympathetic ear. You deserve the freedom to express yourself in whatever way feels comfortable. You deserve a caretaker who cares and who is willing to understand your pain. You deserve competent therapeutic help.

Your situation is making it hard for you to get these things, but please know. You deserve them.

[Auroramarianna]

Hugs, Aurora. This is a very tough situation to be in. Having a parent that doesn't get it is hard. Having a parent that doesn't care enough educate herself is a serious trial.

Please reach out to whomever you can for help. This is a burden you shouldn't have to bear alone.

And please know this: You deserve a sympathetic ear. You deserve the freedom to express yourself in whatever way feels comfortable. You deserve a caretaker who cares and who is willing to understand your pain. You deserve competent therapeutic help.

Your situation is making it hard for you to get these things, but please know. You deserve them.

Thank you so much Suzi I already talk to my new therapist about this. She is slowly realizing situation is different from what was first told to her.

My mom told me I shouldn't go to LGBT websites, because people there are abnormal and can influence me into this lifestyle. I was so so shocked. We're all supposed to meet and reunite with my previous therapist after I came out, but she decided to leave me out of it and came to talk to her. Now I never know what really happened. But my mother was very very angry. She told me she'd call my dad if I tried to disboey her once, too. So, yeah, she used my father so I could felt threatened because she knows we have a bad bad relationship.

[Julia-Madrid]

Aurora, you and I have talked a lot about this offline, and when we met last week, and there is little I can add.

Unfortunately, both your parents are manipulating you.  Some of this may be motivated by the very real desire to put you on the "correct" path, though this is simplistic of them.  Bear in mind where you live, which is still very conservative; the influence of your society; and the way your society deals with non-conforming gender and sexuality, and you can understand to some extent that this has shaped your parents' views.  That they seem closed to learning about alternatives, and especially closed about listening to your repeated statements about being transgender does make this situation challenging.

Given what we did discuss, I would like to propose an alternative.  Perhaps you have already tried this, but I think it may be useful to write your parents and your brother a letter, where you clearly explain what you are, why you are not something else (i.e. gay) and ask for their help, by proposing real ways they could help.  Try to change the confrontation and antagonism into something else, something more positive, but lay down a challenge to them to try better than they've done in the past.

I'll take this idea off-line with you; let's see if it's something we can work on.

Hugs
A/J

[Auroramarianna]

Aurora, you and I have talked a lot about this offline, and when we met last week, and there is little I can add.

Unfortunately, both your parents are manipulating you.  Some of this may be motivated by the very real desire to put you on the "correct" path, though this is simplistic of them.  Bear in mind where you live, which is still very conservative; the influence of your society; and the way your society deals with non-conforming gender and sexuality, and you can understand to some extent that this has shaped your parents' views.  That they seem closed to learning about alternatives, and especially closed about listening to your repeated statements about being transgender does make this situation challenging.

Given what we did discuss, I would like to propose an alternative.  Perhaps you have already tried this, but I think it may be useful to write your parents and your brother a letter, where you clearly explain what you are, why you are not something else (i.e. gay) and ask for their help, by proposing real ways they could help.  Try to change the confrontation and antagonism into something else, something more positive, but lay down a challenge to them to try better than they've done in the past.

I'll take this idea off-line with you; let's see if it's something we can work on.

Hugs
A/J

Honestly, I am not sure it will work. But at the moment I need to try everything I can.