In reply to the wonderful posts here, a couple of things.
None of which are meant to fault or poke at any of us.
Jessica I do believe you have found your path, and I believe we both have the same take on Susan's, I feel I have something to offer and pour out my guts in here transparently hoping it helps someone somewhere some way, and apparently it has because it is authentic to who I am and reaches others with similar scenarios, and you also offer much. As I would remind you and others of when I had my first breakdown and you offered to stay up all night with me. Not something to forget.
But I don't criticize your path. And I am not implying that you criticize mine. I am validating you my dear.
As to fighting the will of God, maybe, on the body dysphoria, but definitely not on the family stuff, it would be quite the opposite if I crossed the comfort levels of my oldest daughter who has the serious anxiety disorder, and who has to see her dad as the one that helped and protected her all her life, and in very painful times, like the stalking, like being driven from our homes overnight due to an intercultural marriage certain hostile elements found to be offensive. Gunshots over your house are not easily ignored.
The wife has come so far, she can finally handle me in lingerie and an open robe but not with my hair on, this is a huge change. Fully presenting? Not yet. One baby step at a time, and entirely under the shrink's guidance. Social presentation is attractive but I can't quite get there in my own head... the point is well made about having the cake and eating it too. And why not? If everone benefits, heck yes. If not, I make the hard choices for the family's sake.
Since we love each other deeply, and sacrificed much in the beginning, I cannot throw her needs aside. I would not be able to live with myself. Nor do I wish to face life alone, so the pain of dysphoria, while sometimes brutal, is still less than the pain of loneliness, and since I would go after men after a loss of the marriage, and transition farther to the mtf side, it represents a huge shift. One I will not do while she is alive and we are married, so you are correct, the will is not there. The vows we took are paramount to me.
The kid with the psyche issues can finally handle bare legs and a nightshirt, has seen the camis under the clothes, not deliberately but loose shirts reveal things when you lean over.... and its taken two years for her to understand that my 3/8 inch past the quick, clear polished nails are not going anywhere. I won't break her, we did the thing with both of us with the shrink, but I stand my ground at the edge of what she can handle.
That is the reality of Satinjoy. You once asked if I was truthful to myself if I would go full mtf. I asked myself this, and the answer is yes, selectively. And the other answer is there is no way to predict where it will go anyway. Dyphoria is incredibly powerful, and I don't try to control it, if you think about it I am full time under the outerwear and have been a year and a half now, a cups and all. Trying to make them B's. Big time hurtful body dysphoria.
So, you are right, so am it. The fluidity is real, so is the fact that I am not female soul trapped in male body. Neither am I male trapped in male body. I am Satinjoy with a transsexual body that is beginning to look like it is supposed to look and I need it flat out no holds barred. With or without the birth thing between the legs. I'd rather that was a neo-v.
So, I surrender to Gods will, not the church, the leading of the Holy Spirit, and keep at it living the truth as I understand it. Humbly or not, the ego is a pain to deal with. It just is.
As to the church, the greatest bitterness I have is that I have to unlearn all the unhealthy anti trans anti gay stuff I was force-fed, I never liked it, I never bought into it, but when you are fed this stuff all your life, try to do it, and fail, then find out the truth that they made a mistake and it cost you half of your mind.... hard thing to overcome, hard to accept. That I was tricked, that is, that the misconceptions of people have failed me so completely. God would never have brought me this far, if I was out of His will. I would have ended it, or not, but I surely would have cracked up totally and horribly.
Thoughts my dear? I believe your binary solution is true for you, I believe my non binary path is the only path for me to take, that it is real, and that it will work.
The pain of dypshoria is the cross I must bear, whether for a season or a lifetime, that will be determined later. And its better now that I blur the lines with GQ, hang out in lingerie with my woman, and just keep forcing myself to feel my feelings.
God bless you all my dears. A lot here responds to Lady Jessica, but its really to all of us.
Blessings my dears. Love from Satinjoy. That love is real, it is truly unconditional, it is who I am.
Jessica thanks for chatting again with me, we never get to really talk it out. I promise I wont trigger, my hormones are stable, my identity is too, so we should be great to chat. Disagree, agree, anything.
Hang in there girl. I will too. We all will.
Satinjoy
