Need your opinion - please help

[ssneha23]

I recently went partial full time where I am myself when off work. I think I pass fine with near zero clocking incidents.

But when I am with another trans friend of mine who I am trying my best to help, I get clocked like 50% of the time. My friend knows she has trouble passing and that she get clocked really often.

I am trying to figure out the why I get clocked when I am with her. This is what I think so far could be the causes

1) Is it possible that I actually don't pass as well as I think i do..

2) People clocking her are projecting her image onto me as well and thinking that I must be transgender too..

[stephaniec]

peoples brains just register if one is the other is too

[Ms Grace]

Many passable transwomen find they are more likely to be read as trans if they are with other trans girls who don't pass as well. Judging by your avatar you do pass as well as you think you do!

[ssneha23]

Many passable transwomen find they are more likely to be read as trans if they are with other trans girls who don't pass as well. Judging by your avatar you do pass as well as you think you do!

Thank you ms grace. Here comes my next question. Please don't judge me on this one.

Would it be wrong on my part that I want to reduce my going out with my friend. Getting clocked really destroys me and I have worked so hard to get out of my depression. I don't want to go back... This thought seems so selfish of me to think but I need to take this step for my own sanity

[Luna Star]

It reminds me of a friend I once had, she was a really kind person.But very awkward to go out with, she dressed in an odd way which is fine, but singing REALLY loud, as well as many many other things. It was annoying and people eye'd me a lot of the time as well just for talking to her.
"If you talk with her you must have the same intrests and sense of fasion"

Seeing your pic, you pass perfectly.But it's more that people try to see your connection with her. And thus end up thinking that.You may be trans.

[Taka]

i think it has to do with people not really expecting to see trans people everywhere, so they're not conscious of the little signs. when you're alone, they don't expect anything other than a woman, so they overlook those signs. when you're with a friend who doesn't pass well, they're reminded that trans people exist, and will study you to see if you are too. then of course, they'll notice those little things that are kind of different.

you'll have to take care of yourself. if it's devastating to be clocked, that's a good reason to avoid it.
but if your friend is worth more to you, and you have enough strength to deal with it, then it would be odd if you don't go out with her...
pretty much everything in life is a matter of priorities.
it's not mean to be true to your own feelings. "abandoning" your friend may hurt her, but that hurt isn't necessarily greater than your hurt if you have to force yourself into triggering situations for her sake. one would be hurting for the other's sake either way.

[ssneha23]

you'll have to take care of yourself. if it's devastating to be clocked, that's a good reason to avoid it.
but if your friend is worth more to you, and you have enough strength to deal with it, then it would be odd if you don't go out with her...
pretty much everything in life is a matter of priorities.
it's not mean to be true to your own feelings. "abandoning" your friend may hurt her, but that hurt isn't necessarily greater than your hurt if you have to force yourself into triggering situations for her sake. one would be hurting for the other's sake either way.

Thank you so much for your responses. It's only been like 6 months that thoughts of suicide have finally gone away. I already have 2 attempts behind me and now finally for the first time I feel happy and look forward to life. I cannot go back. Being clocked pushes me back toward my dark days. I cannot go back there again. Thank you so much for answers ladies. I am finally feeling much better over my decision now...

[suzifrommd]

Passing is about completeness. If someone has any reason to think you may have been born male-bodied, they'll look closer and notice things they didn't notice before. So the secret to passing is not to give anyone anything to notice.

Being with a trans woman will trigger transdar. They'll look more closely at you. There may even be an assumption that trans women will travel together. I told a cis friend about a date (unsuccessful) I had and she assumed the woman was trans.

All that being said, friends are more important than passing.

[ssneha23]

All that being said, friends are more important than passing.

Suzi thank you so much for the reply. Please don't get me wrong. Friendship is so much more than passing. It's not like I will break my friendship over passing
Its just I need to reduce the number of times I go out with her.. Especially since I am the one really trying hard to build confidence. Not my friend. She doesn't care what the world thinks..

[Zumbagirl]

I recently went partial full time where I am myself when off work. I think I pass fine with near zero clocking incidents.

But when I am with another trans friend of mine who I am trying my best to help, I get clocked like 50% of the time. My friend knows she has trouble passing and that she get clocked really often.

I am trying to figure out the why I get clocked when I am with her. This is what I think so far could be the causes

1) Is it possible that I actually don't pass as well as I think i do..

2) People clocking her are projecting her image onto me as well and thinking that I must be transgender too..

Here is an opinion from someone who transitioned a long time ago:

When I was a freshly minted full time newbie, I would hang out with other transfriends. There is nothing wrong with it. The only thing I had in common with them though was transitioning. What I found is that when in a group all of us are easily makable and that's the  new reality you are finding. But you know you shouldn't let it stop you from having friends. It's a good way to use the crutches on your way to letting go and being your own person.

Don't get hung up on the "pretty t-girl" thing because it's doesn't amount to anything in the real world. Keep your friends. Maybe someday in the future you may find that you have less in common with them other than transitioning and that's okay too. Maybe you have more in common and that's okay too. That's why we end up being rogue after some time.

But I want to say this as someone who has lived full time for about 15 years now. You WILL get clocked no matter what you may perceive. The point is, over a long enough period of time you will learn all the rules on your new gender and can fit in just fine