...Just felt the keen sting of Transphobia from my own mum.. =(

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

Oooh kay..  I'm kinda still a little upset, so bear with me here as I try to get this off my chest..

So for those who don't know my story so far - I'm not out to anyone yet, but on Friday I went dressed pretty much in girl mode and my folks were really supportive, especially mum.  I think that's what's confused me more than anything about what's just happened now..

We're sitting here, waiting for Big Bang Theory to start on E4.  The past few weeks, the channel has been running an advert for Brave New Girls over on 4 Music - a show about a trans* girl called Jenna Talackova who's become a supermodel (from what I gather she's rather famous, so I'm guessing some of you know the name?)

At one point, the advert says something to the effect of "She's Trans-tastic!"  (sorry, I can't find the advert on Youtube right now to show you what I mean..), at which point, mum pipes up in response to the TV "pft, she's a *FREAK* you mean!"  then to add insult to injury, she corrects herself - "I mean *HE'S* a *FREAK*!" (on a side note - notice how I'm using red highlights here instead of my usual purple).

Seriously, it took everything I had to hold back the emotion.  I was sooo angry I could've cried!  I still can.. I mean.. I know she doesn't know she has a trans* daughter yet, and I know (due to non-gender-related things) that she's always been kinda susceptible to the lies of the mainstream media, and I know in many ways it's not really her fault (she doesn't know any better because no one has told her yet), but f**k me sideways - hearing those words come out of her mouth, and with such venom and contempt?  It hurt.  It hurt really, *REALLY* bad! 

.. I haven't asked for much from you all since I've been here, but I think right now I need a hug.. ♥︎

[Pikachu]

*holds you for as long as you need her to, gently rubbing your back*

We love you, sis.

*squeezes you*

I'm so sorry... Maybe she'll come around as she learns more about trans people. And, I've also found that sometimes someone's opinion on LGBT folks can turn around completely once they realise they have one in their own family. It happened with one of my family members. There's still hope.

[Jill F]

Hugs, sweetie.

You can't fix stupid, but you can fix ignorance and bigotry.  Just wait until I invent the rectocranial extractor tool.  Seems we pretty much all have family members that can use one.

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

*holds you for as long as you need her to, gently rubbing your back*

We love you, sis.

*squeezes you*

I'm so sorry... Maybe she'll come around as she learns more about trans people. And, I've also found that sometimes someone's opinion on LGBT folks can turn around completely once they realise they have one in their own family. It happened with one of my family members. There's still hope.

Thank you sis ♥︎

Yeh, this is in the back of my mind too.  That's why I've held myself back from saying anything to her.  Clearly I'm good at hiding it - she doesn't seem to realise that anything is wrong (and she's usually pretty astute with that sorta thing).  I'm just so hurt and disappointed in her right now, is that wrong of me? 

Hugs, sweetie.

You can't fix stupid, but you can fix ignorance and bigotry.  Just wait until I invent the rectocranial extractor tool.  Seems we pretty much all have family members that can use one.

Thank you too hun ♥︎

Can I help you out with that invention?  It sounds positively delightful and I know how to build the flux capacitors you'll need x

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

So.. what should I say / do when things like this happen?  What can I say without outright outing myself?  Or should I just out myself even?

[suzifrommd]

So.. what should I say / do when things like this happen?  What can I say without outright outing myself?  Or should I just out myself even?

Hugs, dear.

Most people are woefully undereducated about transgender. Some are also mean-spirited by nature, but I think most will have empathy and compassion if they understand.

I wonder whether you wouldn't feel better and more authentic letting your family know that you are trans.

Sometimes a few simple facts will change minds:
* Transgender isn't something we choose. We're wired with it at birth.
* Everyone has a gender identity. It's a well-know fact that some people's gender identity doesn't match their physical sex.
* This doesn't make them freaks. They're caring, intelligent, competent, valuable human beings like everyone else.
* Transgender is serious. It doesn't go away on its own and anxiety, depression, and suicide can result when it's ignored.
* The most successful treatment is to transition and become fully a member of the identified gender.

Might help to repeat some of these, since they might sink in the first time.

Good luck, Sarah. Dealing with ignorant family members is one of our hardest trials.

[Paige]

So.. what should I say / do when things like this happen?  What can I say without outright outing myself?  Or should I just out myself even?

Hi Sarah,

I had a similar experience probably 15 years ago.  My mother was all upset because one of her best friend's son had come out as transgender.  She kept saying over and over "how could he do that to his mother".   I've never transitioned and this incident probably set me back quite a bit.   I'm still angry about her comments to this day.

As for advice, I think I you would gradually start asking her why she said that.  I'm betting this could be informative for you.  You may find that this comment is very superficial and not really her true feelings once you ask her to explain her reasoning.  But it may also be a good way to soften her up on the subject.  With all we know now, you could really start to educate her on the subject.

Anyway maybe you could ask her something like this:

I have a friend whose one of the nicest people in the world, she's also transgender.  When you made your comment the other night while we were watching TV,  I didn't understand where you were coming from.  Could you explain to me why you dislike transgender people so much?

Or,

It appeared to me last night that you seemed threaten by transgendered people.  Could you explain to me how someone being transgender could affect your life?

Or if you feel really gutsy

Mom what if you had a transgender child.  Would you consider that child a freak?

If she comes back with something like it isn't natural, etc.   You might sight some of the scientific literature.  Or show her examples of successful people who have transitioned.  Or point out the many times in history people have said something like that about, slavery, women's suffrage, minority rights, etc.

You may not convince her right away but slowly keep at it.  This might be a great opportunity for you to start revealing yourself.   And if she says something really upsetting, there's nothing wrong with shedding a tear or two in front of her.   The odd subtle hint along the way might help as well.  Don't try to do this in a day, it will probably take a bit of time.

Anyway, I'm not sure this will work, but it might be worth a try.
Good luck.
Paige

P.S.  Is this a nutty idea?

[Amato]

My mom was also supportive of my gender related issues at first, but when she saw Conchita Wurst on TV she made a snarky, transphobic comment that took me aback. Still, I found later she was still open to learning about trans people. I dont think even she realized how snarky her comment was that day. To her she was just talking.

So I would just talk to your mom. Ask about how she feels about trans people, or just why she reacted the way she did to that show. I agree with the others that the best option is to talk to her. Since your mom was so supportive of you when you dressed feminine there's a lot of hope that she'll be open to learning more about trans people as long as things are explained to her the right way.

[Ms Grace]

"Gee mom, sounds like you're a bit jealous"...

People either say that kind if stuff about trans people through ignorance (if the individual doesn't conform to social binary norms of what an attractive woman looks like) or envy (if they do). Since she's a supermodel I'm guessing the latter.

Either way many people change their attitudes somewhat when it effects them directly because someone close to them has come out as trans, but usually in the "all of them are $&#%, present company excepted" kind of way.