On certain Fridays, there's a group that meets in Chicago. I went there and oh my freaking god. So glad I went.
The meeting itself was not really that great, nor was it bad. It was just there. It was other factors that made it so great. It was the fact that I was binding and dressed in (mostly) men's clothes in such a heavily populated place (A MAJOR US CITY), for the first time. The fact that I was sitting in the presence of real, live, transitioning FTMs who seemed to accept me as I was, and knowing that I would be in their places one day. The group leader had this massive gender->-bleeped-<- thing going on, which gave me a taste of what I might be like, and a sort of permission to be a feminine transguy. One guy shared a personal story/motivational spiel that hit close to home for me. Another guy was in a similar position as me, living with people who were "supportive" but discouraging of his transition, and that in itself helped me feel less alone.
I still do a lot of seesawing back and forth on whether or not I should transition, but I left feeling like transitioning is the right choice.
Being here, online, is so much different that seeing transgender individuals in person. If you haven't been to such a meetup yet, I HIGHLY encourage you to go just once, just to see what it's like.
The best moment of the night had nothing to do with the meetup itself. I was on my way to the el train, and I saw a department store window full of male mannequins in fashionable, colorful suits. "I can wear that now," I thought to myself, and literally smiled. I don't usually smile at thoughts. I felt so good about myself.
I can and have worn that stuff with my body as it is, but I look like somebody's little sister playing dress-up. I meant that I could wear those clothes AND THEY WOULD LOOK GOOD ON ME. Oh god I love that feeling.
I woke up this morning still feeling high, still feeling like me. It's scary and empowering at the same time.
