Feeling hurt by someone who I trusted so much

[gabimoneratt]

I have never really introduced myself  soooo... Hi everyone! I'm  Gabriella, 21 years old and I live in Brazil. 
6 months ago I met this crazy amazing Chinese New Zealander guy, he was a true gentleman.... He'd open doors, look at the ground to make sure I'd never trip and fall on anything. He'd constantly be saying: watch out! Kept me warm in the movie theater and yeah, I fell for him. We had 4 entire days as dates until, crying tons, I decided to come out to him. That week(wed-friday), he was very very confused and super distant, but Friday night he came, we met, kissed and 1hour later it was as if nothing had ever happened.
Every weekend we spent together he was just the sweetest man I had ever met, but on weekdays he'd get insecure, unsure, worry about what his family and coworkers could think, even though I met one of his coworkers and he didn't realize I was trans at all, even congratulated him on "how hot of a girlfriend" he had, just like all the others who saw pictures of me, all of them said they were jealous. He always had a picture of me as his wallpaper. I never felt so special And I tried dealing with all his insecurities, tried to make him stronger thinking this was just a phase. Eventually he let himself go, fell in love with me and asked me to be his girlfriend. To be honest, considering where I'm from, I never expected that to happen anytime soon, so it was like a dream come true.
A month after he asked me to be his GF he had to go to Canada, and we decided to continue the relationship long distance. I always did my best to be the best girlfriend I could be and the best friend I could be... But with being away from me, once again he started questioning himself and the relationship and everything else. There was a big lack of communication on his side and it always upset me.
I found out from him that he lied about the weekend prior to asking me to be his girlfriend, saying he had to stay in the city he worked cuz there was little time left to finish his job, but actually went to a bar and then to a club with his coworkers. Didn't message me at all after 1pm. Only called me 9am on the next day saying he was working till late and fell asleep when he got to his room. He was finally falling in love with me and just couldn't deal with it, so he decided to not give a duck about me, take time for himself, literally, and be a complete douchebag. I felt very hurt that weekend cuz I could smell BS but couldn't prove it...
So I broke up with him cuz the trust I had on him simply vanished. But nice, stupid me, reconsidered because of the fact that he was struggling quite a lot with falling in love with me and the fact he shouldn't be with a trans back then.
He ruined the whole relationship by letting his fears get to him. And the relationship was just SO GOOD. This is what upset me the most, the relationship or me being trans was not an issue to him, he was totally OK with it after the first couple of weekends. But he craves acceptance, he wants to please everyone but himself. He fears even getting a tattoo(he wants one for years) , thinking that his mom would be disappointed at him because of that.
We had a talk last night about everything and how I felt and there was a moment I asked him if I went to visit him in Canada, if he'd introduce me to his friends(As a friend), and he said he didn't know. I said he had a gay friend and didn't mind if people saw them together. And then he said: but I never had an intimate relationship with him. So my ex is ashamed of having a trans ex-girlfriend. And at one point I could tell he was even unsure if he wanted to be friends with a trans. So, pretty much,  my ex boyfriend, who I brought to my house, who met my family, who I trusted and believed in and expected better, pretty much told me he's ashamed of people finding out he's in any way related to a trans. Everything I did to him, every moment I helped him, built him up, made him stronger and more confident, worried about him, made him feel home and not alone... All those moments felt just stupid. It's as if I had done nothing to him, meant nothing to him.
I feel betrayed, he was my best friend, he was there everyday, but he had to let his fears walk all over me and what we had... I never felt so bad about being trans and so hurt by someone who I trusted so but so much  today was a very hard day and it'll take time to heal, I never expected something like this from him.
Sorry, I really needed to vent... Did any of you girls ever go through something similar? 

[Athena]

Hugs

So sorry that you had to go through this.

[Mark3]

I'm so sorry..

You sound like a wonderful girl, any decent guy would be lucky to be with..

Best wishes..

[Jaz650]

I'm proud of you. My boyfriend of almost two years, passed away not knowing I was trans. I have to live with that the rest of my life. We were really in love. We gave our "future" babies names. I was his world. He wrote songs for me. I'm happy I made his last two years happier. He had no one, his brother died six months earlier, both his parents were dead, so my family and I gave him a family. If I was a biological female, I could have expressed my love to him physically, but I couldn't because I am trans. I'm a practicing Catholic, but if I was born female or had SRS I wouldn't regret him being my first, because I still love him that much. The other day I couldn't stop smelling my pillow, because it smelled like him. I'm hopelessly still in love with him, and it's been two years since he passed away.

[jojo702]

I have gone through all that at your age. Started at 18 whereI met my first Bf who knew and we lasted about 6 years and I broke up with him because he got into drugs and got abusive. The next guy I met was in the navy and I know it's dangerous but I haven't told him and he never found out and we even had sex a few times with me hiding "it". I end up living with him for about 3 years until he got stationed to a different state. Throughout all those 3 years none of his friends or him ever knew what I was.

My next bf was from kansas. he also didn't know and I didn't tell him and was also in the military (army). I moved to Kansas to be with him for 4 months then he found out I was going to a transgender site and even then I still lied to him saying I was not a ts but we broke up and he still doesn't know till this day because he still messages me and wants to eat me out.

The next guy after that was from Alaska, I was with him for 9 months. He also didn't know and I haven't told him and we had sex once without him knowing. He was also in the military national guard and he never knew or found out same with his friends and a few of them tried to date me after they found out I broke up with him.

Then I finally realized, I need to quit this whole lying and dating game. I'm getting older and so far, all this love crap have got me no where and held me back from the most important goal in my life which is to get my SRS surgery.

I went to college finished my degree in computer networking and administration then finished an online degree for pharmacy tech. Then I moved to vegas and started escorting to raise money for my surgery but that didn't help at all/ While trying to find ways to better my life instead of escorting, I met a wonderful guy at transgenderdate.com and we became friends and met up and then later started liking each other. We then ended up dating and now we are living with each other and are engaged.

Just this last year, he helped me get a job working for tech support and I have got paid $16 an hour and I worked overtime as he also helped me save money. My fiance now is very supportive and helped me make my biggest goal in life happen, is to get my srs + breast implant and it has happened. I am now 2 weeks post-op and will be returning home to him on the 23rd of this month and we are planning on getting married.

All I have to say is that, all those guys I have dated who never knew which put e at risk. I thought it was all worth it and it made me feel so much more like a genetic female but I was also in the wrong, risking my life and ruining someones reputation if one of their friends ever found out.

I am now 29 and realize that I should have loved myself more and take my priorities in life first and achieved my goals first and get more stable instead of trying to fulfill a fantasy and thinking I could live happily ever after. But that was not what happened and even though it's in the past, I regret and don't regret most of what has happened. I just should have been more careful. I was young and stupid and thought love with another man is the answer to making me happy but it wasn't. It's loving myself and putting myself first, being more responsible, and being more stable and getting my life together was my answer all along. Once that happened, that's when opportunities for love flourished openly and I didn't have to hide myself. Guys swarmed and loved me for who I was and not what was in between my legs.

I realized now, that I made the right choice in meeting my love. It's not what I expected and always thought I would find a man to my liking who is handsome, smart, financially stable, rich, and love me even though I'm a trans but that is just thinking fantasies right there and I had to end that. Even though my fiance is not the guy I imagined as handsome and rich, there's so much more to him than that. He's the perfect guy in my eyes and me, the perfect woman in his eyes. We have nothing to hide and nothing to fear about each other. It's truly a magnificent relationship and I couldn't ask for more.

Gabriella, there is soooo much more to life in store ahead of you. You're young and beautiful. Don't throw that away just to be with a guy. Don't rush to be in love. Enjoy your moments with yourself, love yourself and make goals and achieve them step by step. You'll realize then, that when you become independent and happy that you're going to college, have an amazing job and friends and also investing for a big goal, you'll attract more men than you could ever know. They will swarm all over you once they see that radiant smile, when they see that you're independent and love yourself. They'll sense it and will become very attracted to you. Don't make the mistakes I made, it'll just put you in a risky disposition .

Luv & Hugz,
Jo

[gabimoneratt]

Thank you, everyone, it means a lot
It's complicated being trans in Brazil... I tried being just open to guys before we even went out on a date and they'd just start treating me like a sexual object... One guy asked me out to have dinner, I told him right when he asked me out and the next day he was asking me when we were gonna meet up so I could give him a bj. It was so disgusting, and here it's 10x more of a tabu being trans than in US, so usually only guys who are interested in what you have between your legs have the courage to be in a relationship with you.
I won't lie, every guy I dated had no clue whatsoever about me being trans... It was great feeling just like another cis girl, but it was all an illusion. Nothing there was real, I knew that wouldn't go anywhere... It'd hurt me bad once I got home and knew they were crazy about their idea of me, not the real me. This guy accepted me the way I was, he was my first one, and he knew about me. But he is/was too afraid of ruining his image, of standing up for himself and of some people not liking him... He seriously doesn't even have interests, he likes everything, he does everything... Whatever people are doing where he is, he's doing the same. And the relationship made me feel on one side more secure about myself because he kept telling me how pretty and hot I was and called me princess and all that... I even have a pillow he gave me for my b-day that says princess and a super sweet note... And on the other side so much more insecure about myself... I realize now that I can't possibly go through this again... I decided to send him to hell because I want a friend/boyfriend to be proud of me, not to want to hide me and freak out without even a real issue.
I am trans and that's never gonna change, but there are so many down sides to being trans and sometimes you ask yourself why do you have to go through that... You see cis girls going out with their bfs and there is you, the one who feels like there won't ever come a guy who just accepts you and is supportive of you, even after SRS.
I do still have a lot to figure out and live in my life, so thank you,  Jo. I'll definitely try to follow what you have said, you're more than right.
Thanks for the support everyone  

[jojo702]

You're more than welcome! Trust me, you are beautiful and that is the confidence you should have everyday. Make yourself a priority first before anyone else. And I agree, most guys who bfinds out you're trans will automatically look at you as a sex object you will find him but don't count on finding him, wait for fate to let him find you. I will tell you this now though, there will be a lot of heartaches before you reach the age of 25-30. Within those times, each time you get hurt, don't linger on it, I did and it destroyed me. Best thing to do to avoid becoming so depressed after you get so hurt is find friends, go out clubbing, meet other guys, get a hobby, do a make-over, just about anything rather than being stuck moping on what is making you sad.

Like I said, you're young and beautiful. Go have fun! Love yourself and surround yourself with people who love and support you and those who will accompany you towards happiness.