Where to begin. I want to share my story, but I have to be somewhat vague as I don't want to be outed by anyone who might venture here and recognize me. Bear with me. I'm in what I'll call 'advanced middle age.' Not yet sixty, but not young. I'm FAAB, have been out as a lesbian for over 30 years, partnered for over 10. I have never identified as butch, mostly because my body shape isn't very 'masculine.' But, I have always wished I had no hips, no breasts, etc. I've always wanted to appear more androgynous. I've never wanted to "be" male. There aren't very many things about living as a man in our culture that appeal to me. So, there it ended. But, as I've learned more, reflected more, I've come to the conclusion that I am non-binary. So, what does that mean?
Most of my clothing has been from the men's department or is very gender neutral, aside from on which side things button, etc. There's very little I'd even need to change in that regard. My hair is VERY short. I've been sirred for years. I own no dresses and have no interest in doing so. I've not worn any make-up since high school. But, my name and every social contact I've had for my entire life has been with me identified as a woman and as female. The latter (sex) is no big deal. I'm past my reproductive years and how I pee, have sex, etc. isn't anyone's business. The "woman" thing (i.e., gender) is another story. So, where am I now and why am I writing this.
First, I've pored over the forums and have found many, many posts from young people, and many, many posts from MAAB persons who identify as non-binary. What I've not seen so much are posts from FAAB who are older and identifying as non-binary rather than as transmen. So, I wanted to put this out there. Also, I have my first appointment with a therapist in a few weeks and I'm not sure what to say. It's under the auspices of "stress." I have significant hypertension and a lot going on. But, I've also wondered if I haven't had low-grade depression and/or anxiety for so long that it seems "normal." Nobody would ever accuse me of being a "happy person." When I think about what would make me happy, the first thing that comes to mind is top surgery. I'm not looking to pass as a male, but I'd love to be rid of these breasts. I've thought about low-dose T for a variety of reasons, but I'm not a good candidate, health-wise.
Anyway, I have to go, but wondered if anyone with similar experiences might 'come out of the woodwork.' And, if anyone has any suggestions for "opening the doors" to the conversation with the therapist. I've not seen him before. He claims to have experience with trans and gender issues. One of the things I hate about the idea of therapy is that just when you get started, "Oh, time's up." I'd rather have something like a five-hour marathon to get things started! So, there you have it. If anyone has any thoughts, I'd love to hear from you!
