Running

[Satinjoy]

Running.

Its not one of my good days today for the mercurial Satinjoy.

Do you ever feel like running?  Like getting in a car, leaving your life behind, finding a new one somewhere else?  Running away from your old life?  Vanishing?

Do you run from your body?  Your mind?  Your emotions?   Your orientation?

Do you run from the reality of what you are up against?

Do you run from the Cis?  The MTF or FTM binaries?  Being nonbinary?

Do you run from fear?

Do you run from love and intimacy?

Do you run from the God of your understanding?

Do you run from your own family, wanting to hide?

Are you a runner  my dears?

I face all of it, but there are days that it drains me to my very core.  What I feel about running away, is not what I do, and there are days like today when it takes everything I have to face myself, embrace myself, and be real, and not run.  To stand firm, focusing on truth, and drawing on the strength of God, and the strength of you.

I am still terrified of being a transsexual, I won't lie about that.  Its big.  Physically we know my body is this way, but that I present fluid, or genderqueer.

I spent 50 years running from Satinjoy, but I could not outrun h'er.  Sh'e is me.

Blessings.

Satinjoy

[m1anderson]

Running.

I am still terrified of being a transsexual, I won't lie about that.  Its big.  Physically we know my body is this way, but that I present fluid, or genderqueer.

I spent 50 years running from Satinjoy, but I could not outrun h'er.  Sh'e is me.

Spectacular, well-put, well-written, and in a very broad sense, a piece of all of this can be felt and seen within all of us.

But running, not so much because we have to accept the difficulties we all face head on, and quietly and quickly constantly adjust for both our internal and external environments.

I am a naturally and/or well-trained to be significantly flat-lined with my emotions. But as a newbie, 50+, about to truly tackle head on my struggles and beginning HRT, I feel so much exactly as you wrote, and am for the first time, internally emotional and quite overwhelmed. It is the craziest feeling that I feel right now.

I feel for you and know that we all feel so similar, and all our best hopes and thoughts are with you as you struggle. But I am confident, following you in this forum, the strength you have and insights you have provided for so many, this feeling will pass, and the next time it overwhelms you will be one step ahead to find an easier way to deal with this.

But running is not an option for strong women like you and so many others that support you..

[suzifrommd]

Interesting. I would have thought that I was a runner, but when it came to transgender, I ran toward my gender, not away. I did that in the face of divorce and possible loss of friends/family/job. Normally when there is even the slightest chance of failure or of ending up worse than before, I shy away from challenges (though I did make several major career changes, so not universally true).

It was one of the things that told me that my gender transition was special - it wasn't one of my usual flights of fancy.

[Tessa James]

I was a runner and too damned good at it.  But that was running away and the fear we acknowledge was then paramount and toxic.  Yes you are so right, wherever we go we bring all the baggage with us.  Other parts of our lives can consume and distract us for a while but you know our real self will find a way out or make it impossible to ignore.

To follow the thread however, my escape mechanisms were often dreams of sailing away to distant lands or imaginary islands where gender didn't matter. 

[Sephirah]

Do you ever feel like running?  Like getting in a car, leaving your life behind, finding a new one somewhere else?  Running away from your old life?  Vanishing?

Metaphorically... yes. Quite a lot. But not out of fear. More out of just being tired of the whole shebang. Not even so much gender issues. Just life. Sometimes... it all feels too much for one person to handle. When it comes to fight or flight... often I feel I don't have much fight left in me. Starting a new life doesn't even sound all that appealing, in all honesty. Just an end to things. To let it all be over.

*sigh*

Anyhow, feeling that and standing firm in the face of that sometimes overwhelming urge is testament to the kind of person you are, Satinjoy. And you have my respect for that. Sincerely. It takes a certain degree of inner steel to bend and bend but not break.

Keep being you, okay?

[Shantel]

I think we all run from one kind of reality or another.

I've been called out for being a chronic people fixer! I am forever trying to fix other people's pathetic life problems when I can clearly see the causes and have the answers. It has always become a stumbling block and a burden for my personal family life. So I run from it by avoiding friends and associates much of the time. People with problems seem to be attracted to me, I draw some real nut cases, they just start talking to me so I have even been avoiding eye contact in public places lately. Yes I am a runner of sorts!

[Sammy]

I was very good runner but now I am even better at it. What made the difference was realising that it is much better to run "somewhere" than to run "from something". It was the breaking point.
I like to run now - mostly, because of the way wind feels on Your face, shaking those beads of sweat from Your forehead, heading straighforwards into the Unknown. And the best part is - if You run fast enough, You may catch a small miracle right by its tail - it is there, hiding from You behind that corner.

[Satinjoy]

When I was young, I  ran to make believe.
Then to books
Then to chorus and band
Then to wrestling
Then to theater, to be many people, running away from me.

Then to booze, then to sex
Then to the bars.
I ran all the way to Broadway, and to the depths of the city.
Then, to AA, and to the world of normal.
I ran away 50 times from my clothes....
I ran and ran.

Finally, I ran to God, and begged for hormones.
I ran to the gatekeepers.
I ran to the forest, and  I grew wings.
I ran home.

I ran to you.

[Jera]

Your expression here is poetic, SJ.

I can only hope someday I stop running from and start running to.

Until then, much love. <3

[Taka]

just to say, i've been in that place where running away from it all seemed like the only option. i always had reasons of love or care to hold me back. even when life really became too much and suicide seem like what would fixeverything that ever was wrong in the world, i couldn't.
that's what it's like to love a daughter.
i keep wondering what i'd do if anything ever happened to her. she's kind of the only reason why i care to stay somewhat sane. the only thing i can't afford to lose, or rather, i could never do something as cruel as killing her mother. wishing her all the best in life doesn't help, i have to work hard if i want to give her that.

[Dread_Faery]

Everybody's running from something.

If it wasn't for the fact that I know I could leave my current situation, I'd probably be itching to run right now. But I am a free spirited thing and hate getting tied down.