hi everyone, ive been on here for a few weeks now and realized i never introduced myself.
my name is Jim, will eventually be Mai
25 year old male, but identifying as female. currently about 6 months away from being able to start hrt, living in northern california (3-4 hours north of sacramento) and working full time retail. i enjoy music (listening, composing, and playing, piano, cello, violin) video games (broke my addiction recently) sewing, cooking, and used to love art. havent done any art or composing music in .... almost 6 years now cause ive had no inspiration and have been combating depression.
ok, so ive known for quite a while that ive wanted to be a girl, starting from around 12 or so ive had periodic thaughts about wanting to be a girl (i have almost no memories i can remember from before 12 - when my grandma died). i didnt really bother doing anything about it or saying anything cause well.... my childhood was fairly mild compared to most, and i had no dysphoria at the time. my mom raised me and my sister to not care about gender roles and social conditioning, and i ended up being homeschooled for 6-9th grade in a mountain area with very few friends (friends with sister, stepsister, and a girl that my mom had as a babysitter, and 2 boys down the street i visited with once a week that were both kind of "different" as well compliments of being isolated)(also had no father figure other than my old schooled grandpa) i hated being isolated so... i flunked half of my classes freshman year that i was homeschooled to force myself to get droped and put back into the public school system so i could go to school and meet people and socialize... try to socialize... fail miserably at socializing. so was still an introverted loner with the same 2 friends.
my gd didnt even remotely become noticeable untill after i met my first girlfriend while i was at college. (is when i discovered/decided that i had 0 interest in using my male parts. which i thaught was just being a-sexual but, with my current knowledge i know now that it was just having male parts that i didnt want to use.) shortly after my 19th birthday i moved with her way out of the area to a area with her family for going to school and finding a job, and i knew i was not particularly "manly" i was a pretty feminine guy at that point, which she actually supported and enjoyed putting makeup on me and doing my hair (she was a makeup artist and hair stylist). but i decided that i wanted to be more masuline. so i asked her and her stepdad to help (they knew i had no father figure) that was a big mistake. it was shortly after my 19th birthday that my dysphoria started. and then just got worse as i tried to become more masculine... ofcourse at the time i had no idea why i was becoming depressed. and having problems. so i made another "good" horrible decision and joined the navy for 2 years. so from 19 onwards my dysphoria just got worse and worse under the guise of depression and anxiety that i didnt deal with properly. till about a year ago i was talking to a really close online friend about things, and something about the conversation made me realize just how badly i wanted to be a girl, and how much i hated and dispised being a guy. she had some experience with therapy and counseling and gave me some links to read about trans* related problems.
aaaaand... it all clicked. everything suddenly made sense about everything id been feeling (its now been about 4-5 months since that discovery)
im currently talking to a counselor via skype from a gender health center, and should be able to start hrt by the beginning of june once i pay off a debt to a family member, and i am now out to my mom, step-dad, sister, and 3 of my close online friends who are all accepting and/or supportive. and will soon be out to my roommate.
and am working on feminizing myself as much pre-hrt as i can. *letting my hair grow out again, finally, omg i love long hair but i kept having to get it cut with military, and then with job searching. *bought a one-touch that ive now clocked over 100 hours on practicing on non-facial areas over the last 3 weeks with some success. *i had sewed a home-made bra and was using baloons with stuffing+water... but now bought a real bra and am using foam pads while i sleep to help combat dysphoria. *ive been tucking now almost 24/7 for almost a month. *and ive read prety much every post in the last 5 years on every trans* related forum i can find and read pretty much anything i could find publicly available online. *practicing my feminine walk (pretty much said "screw what anyone else says" since i get made fun of and teased anyways) when im walking anywhere, and while im at work (unless im around my grandpa who cannot find out yet) *picking up feminine mannerisms and trying to trash my manly charade if been putting on for the past 6 years. *practicing my feminine voice whenever i get a solid 30 minutes or more alone. *and just generally trying to get back to being myself.
ive noticed that since i discovered it my dysphoria has gotten worse exponentially. and the more i have been starting to feminize myself the more i want to just get on hrt and start transitioning, and ive started hating being a guy even more than before, and has gone from being annoyed with male-type conversations coworkers try to involve me in, to being discusted by them.
omg i just want to start hrt already... but the logic in my brain says if i started hrt now, id be incapable of safely transitioning. so i just need to survive a while longer as a guy.
some things ive discovered about myself:
---i was supposed to be born completely brain dead. my mom had extreme bacterial pneumonia when she was 6-7 months pregnant with me and didnt get taken to the hospital till shed been at 105+ temperature for well over a week, and spent the next month under heavy medication... i came out fairly intelegent actually
---from around 12 years old when i can remember having periodic thoughts of wanting to be a girl... ive been capable of dreaming as a female. and pretty much everytime im dreaming, and can remember my dreams, im a woman in my dreams.
---i am still a virgin, and dont masturbate.... (well... i dont touch myself for pleasure) see next discovery
---i am already capable of female type hands-free orgasms that can come and go over a 15 minute period while im relaxed laying in bed and in a good mood (based on how people describe female orgasms)
this is as cut down as i was capapble of making my introduction/about me/so far post lol. since my 10 page monster of a post filled with derailment will never be read.
