How can I describe this?

[Trying to be me]

First, I want to say how much I LOVE this site. I've only been on here a day or two but I've learned so much and feel so much acceptance. Y'all are awesome!

Ok so now on to the point of the post. As I've said before, I've recently accepted that I'm gender fluid. I've spent the last few days doing a LOT of reading and thinking. One thing keeps coming to the top of my brain: how do I describe what being both genders or no genders feels like? When I feel male or female, I know and can describe it simply because it is simple. When I'm in between or, even more complicated, neutral, I don't know how to describe it to myself let alone another person. How do y'all describe it to yourselves or others?

[teema]

I`m andro so I exist in a constant state of being.I never change,Teema and I get along together just fine,although lately she seems to be getting the upper hand.Which is typical I suppose,women always want their own way.Trying to describe or explain how i am is something else.Two people in one body?No I`m not a split personality.Transgender?No I`m not that either.A blend,a mix of two psyches in one body, one mind.Which although it does sound schizoid isn't.My two psyches complement each other,need each other to make me function and live.And ,well just be me.Hard to define or explain really,thats what makes us unique and so puzzling to cis gendered people.Or anyone else!

[EchelonHunt]

I desire a female presentation that is as feminine as the next cis-woman/transgender woman. I am transitioning to achieve a physical male body that is feminine in appearance. My gender identity is androgyne with agender at the deepest core.

The androgyne aspect of my identity is the balance of my social female identity and my male body. The agender aspect of my identity is self-explanatory, underneath the female presentation, the male body and under my skin, I simply do not connect to either sex. The androgyne identity has allowed me to embrace a form of expression that makes me feel most comfortable, even a male body makes me feel most comfortable than I ever did in a female body, yet I do not identify as male, I still do feel genderless to this day.

Hi, my gender is Jacey. :^) I'm sure even in those terms it is confusing to understand!

[Taka]

i'm taka gender, and that's the best explanation i can find of it.

the second best is a little more difficult, there's one little problem with explaining my gender in an understandable way.
i just don't understand gender properly. it makes no sense to me, and i don't get why it's so important, but it is and it is even within me.
huzzahhhh.....

but if i were to try, it's something like seeing the world and relating to people in different ways.
it's something of the same the difference between how you see things when depressed as opposed to happy.
except that the different perceptions, ways of relating, are decidedly female or male in nature.
except for the part that refuses to have anything to do with gender and insists that no matter how male or female different ways of my thinking are, that does i no way make me male or female.

the latter is more representative of me. the male and female are aspects that come and go as they will, or can be called out when i want to react in a different way to things.
i notice that the two are different when they are in a rather extreme disagreement about something.
the easiest one to talk about is my hair. i seriously don't want long hair, but i'd love to have it. depends which side of my personality you ask.
interestingly, i can't really pinpoint the wish for long hair as something female related, i think it's more of a fabulous gay side of me. as a woman, i have no need for long hair.

but the more i think about it, the worse it gets. my understanding of it, that is...
i often feel like i'm thinking as if i were mtf, not ftm. mtf who wants to retain some of his male role?
i have no idea. it's pretty confusing, this thing called gender.

in the end, it all comes down to likes and dislikes.
i like to be seen and treated like a guy, the way i'm treated as a woman irks me in ways that make me want to do mean things to people.
i like to wear frilly clothes, long skirts, super masculine clothes, all kinds of different things. what i want to wear often differs from day to day, seems to be a matter of balance and variation. only thing i hate are skinny jeans, i'am apparently "not gay enough" for those.

there are a few things that are in the way of just doing what i like and be happy with that.
the first and most tangible things are my breasts. they're constantly in my way, and i'm certain i'd be happier without them.
the second thing is the lack of a penis. there are many things i have problems doing just because i don't have one. but it's not killing me as much as the other things.
third thing is my voice. it's not deep enough to easily pass as a guy when i want to.
and then there are emotional or emotionally triggered physical responses.
i really feel like i'm wearing someone else's body when it starts displaying my emotions in ways that i never told it to. it makes me angry and frustrated. it used to make me depressed.
i'm also wondering if different hormones could make me feel more like me and less like 2-5 different persons trying to live my life.

[Satinjoy]

There is nothing simple about it for me, and when I swing to Satinjoy I can become rather terrified that I wont swing back.  Not that being all girl would be bad, but the collateral damage to family would be horrifying.

Been there early this week, been on the phone with my close trans friends, been in the office just breathing in a coworkers office who knows who I am, and actually who likes the creatures thread as they have DID and we actually help her.

But on track, it morphs, our understanding deepens and our self awareness shifts, as we describe what words fall short of.  Hence the allegorical creatures thread, where some of us speak in allegory, revealing truths about gender impossible to state well here.

Just be, feel.  Quiet the mind and find the core of your self, your soul, see how it feels, is it towards one side, is it moving around, is it steady?  Look at the past posts in this place, there are sages of trans that have moved on, but their wisdom is captured in this place.

You can also see how some of us have changed over time by looking into the history of us, here in the unicorn forest of hte Androgynes.

But I believe the key is comfort and not stifling who you are, owning your gender - in me it is core/spirit (was genderless now is rather incredibly nonbinary transsexual with deep values and totally blended) - physical (mtf wired) - social (full fluid).

Even when I swing, others outside have no idea where I am inside, I think I am being read, they are clueless, I am uncomfortable if with the male types.  I am "notmale".  Forget male.  And I am "notfemale".  How do we describe that?  Yet I will bet every one of us here in this section knows exactly what I am talking about.

How do we describe it?  Describe the intangible?

We live it out, my dear, we live, we touch, we laugh and cry, we dress the way we like, we learn to stand up to ourselves, and we harness the full power of the diamond core of nonbinary or binary trans.  Many facets, but one whole, looks different from other angles, but one diamond, priceless, rare, and to be carefully studied before the diamond cutters get us to shine it with hormones or the knife.

Blessings my dear.

[suzifrommd]

First, I want to say how much I LOVE this site. I've only been on here a day or two but I've learned so much and feel so much acceptance. Y'all are awesome!

Ok so now on to the point of the post. As I've said before, I've recently accepted that I'm gender fluid. I've spent the last few days doing a LOT of reading and thinking. One thing keeps coming to the top of my brain: how do I describe what being both genders or no genders feels like? When I feel male or female, I know and can describe it simply because it is simple. When I'm in between or, even more complicated, neutral, I don't know how to describe it to myself let alone another person. How do y'all describe it to yourselves or others?

For me, I think it's like being bilingual. When you speak both Spanish and English, you usually don't think that you have a Spanish side or an English side. You just have two different ways of interacting with the world in different situations.

[Taka]

that might be a good description actually.
being bilingual means a lot of shifting between languages, and then, when everybody knows both languages equally well, we'll start shifting even mid sentence just because we can, and it confuses no one. and it's so much easier than always having to focus on using one language rather than the other.
this is the only good bilingual community i'm part of, and i like how i don't have to watch which language i use, i can just switch when it feels natural to me.
using the word that comes to mind first, or fits best with what i'm trying to convey.

[Trying to be me]

Thank you for your responses. I've gotten something from every one of you. I love this group.