What does authenticity mean to you?

[Satinjoy]

Aisla, while I did fight the dysphoria while in denial mode, I haven't fought it non-binary mode just yet. I actually did put up a pretty good fight in denial mode, I could even get to a place where I could not have these thoughts for months sometimes. I can't really go back there now after all I've been through. I have a different tool to fight it now as well, I really just don't want to go back to dressing as a woman every chance I get, if it means every moment of free time is at home. I have been progressively making my guy mode more and more androgynous, as well, and am fairly comfortable with the slightly androgynous guy look. While fluidity has it's benefits, at this point , I am also seeing it's negatives. Not being in a position to answer the door at every given moment is just one of them...

I have to make this quick I am in a hostile environment

I have several components

mtf physical with significant dysphoric needs for the body
gender neutral core
gender fluid self expression, depending on mood and center and safety
genderqueer social expression.
All are authentic, all are real, all are components of me, pulled out through therapy and Susan's to reveal the truth of who I am

I do not fear my physical dysphoria nor progression as I have accepted fully my entire non binary nature.  This is not forced, it is a discovery of the truth.

Acceptance is key.  Thank you Miss Julie.

Accepting my wifes comfort zone, my own comfort zone, and the gift of where they come together as one, is the key to enduring marriage.

Then joy is to come.  As to hormones, I am loaded with estrogen, without it I will go insane.  It did not change my core, it did change my body, which I keep from full revelation to my wife, I hide my breasts....but other than greater emotional sensitivity it did not change who I am.

Your levels will be as per your needs.  I need full mtf dosage, yet I am not going to full time transition or transition from the neck up.

So long as my wife does not perceive me as female I am ok.  I have told her I am half male half female, due to birth anomaly cuased by the DES meds my mother took while I was in utero.  I don't know what would work for you. 

These were the keys for me.

I do not fight my dysphoria, I learn about it, understand it, steer it and run with it the same way I would race a 500 HP car, not hitting the brakes, learning where it wants to go, learning how far to push it and when to lift, and respecting all of its great power, to avoid the walls and finish the race.

Hang in there.  Blessings to you.  There are more in here with intact and happy marriages that are also authentic in their trans spirits.

[VeronicaLynn]

VL

This is a good outcome. Ymmv and my narrative or experience is not necessarily going to be similar to yours

However I have found that very low dose hrt reduced my overpowering dysphoria to a dull or manageable background noise and with a  slight increase obtained immense relief and wellness with a complete dysphoria shut down.

I want a good outcome. I will keep your lose dose hrt suggestion in mind, but I don't think I need it, though I am glad it helped you.

Where I really want to go with this is back to not caring about conforming to gender roles, or any other stupidity. They are stupid, I don't really want to trade the stupid "man code" for the even stupider "girl code."  I want to dress how I feel like dressing, say what I feel like saying, and not care who doesn't like it once again. I was there once, long ago, I will get there again, and I will know better than to "man up" ever again.

Satinjoy, I do not (yet) have a wife, so I also have to have consideration that women like men, and those that don't generally like cis-women. I haven't even been open to relationships in quite some time, mainly because I am not wanting someone I only care for slightly to influence the direction I go with this. I'm almost ready for one though, still need to work out how I am going to play this...

[Satinjoy]

Good stuff VL.  Peice of advice though I seem to be off a little tonight, make sure you present the genuine you when approaching potential mates.  The feeling of betrayal my wife went through when i had  to surrender to who i am was extremely unpleasant to say the least.  Fortunately she knew I crossdressed before marriage, but we both thought that I had "beat it."

How wrong we both were...

[VeronicaLynn]

Good stuff VL.  Peice of advice though I seem to be off a little tonight, make sure you present the genuine you when approaching potential mates.  The feeling of betrayal my wife went through when i had  to surrender to who i am was extremely unpleasant to say the least.  Fortunately she knew I crossdressed before marriage, but we both thought that I had "beat it."

How wrong we both were...

I've read enough of your posts to know I don't want to get into that type of situation. While actually admitting it, and exactly how to, and when to is going to be something new, the girls that I have ended up with have almost always been bisexual, so that has not been an issue I run into, though I will be careful with those that are not.

[Satinjoy]

Hi all

Just want to thank everyone for posting on this thread.  I wound up reading it over again, and there is so much benefit in it for so many of us, it really is a gift for this to be out there to help our brothers and sisters of trans.

Love to all.

God Bless.  Nails still broke off from construction work, hair still 1200 miles from here, and laughing all the way about it.  No dysphoric backlash, something is working right here.

But the posts in this thread have been totally outstanding, every one of them.  I am so grateful for this.

[Satinjoy]

This was a memorable topic for me.  Bringing forward for newbies, it was based on a word from Julie, and that word or fundamental trans culture changed everything and caught fire in here, kindling passion, self worth, and truth.

[Amato]

To me being authentic is pretty much synonymous with being uninhibited. To just feel something and act on it. Raw, human honesty.

[Satinjoy]

reading my old posts feels kinda embarrassing.  Change happens.

Authenticity to me means daring to be me.  It means stripping away pretense and being transparent and raw here on the boards.  Being ready with an explanation of why I am different and why there is nothing shameful or nuts about being transgender.

It is about truth.  Once authentic to self, it becomes about courage and compassion, and I suspect eventually it becomes about influence, changing others perception of nonbinary transexuals or binary transsexuals, and overcoming obstacles with the shear strength of who we are.

I am getting there, socially genderqueer, but still cant bring Satinjoy in full presentation to the street.  I can bring her out in an andro presentation, but not full on, and it is getting harder and harder to have this beard.

Authenticity is so important to me.  Maybe too important, since when I am not feeling totally authentic, I feel "less than".  But if I can stand up for myself as a transgendered person, a transsexual non binary, and flat out say it, feel it as my center, this is a huge step forward.  Owning it.

[Shantel]

Yes bottom line is Be Real folks! Something I've been working on for a long, long time!

[Taka]

authenticity is a little difficult for me.
i can be me, verily and honestly.
but i have some rather negative sides that wouldn't be too good to express even halfway.
expressing myself and being more honest about myself has helped turning darkness into something more like shadows.
but when i'm being cornered, i really have troubles being authentic.
demon isn't a permissible identity irl.

other than that, being real in all other aspects, is good. very good.
particularly being open about weakness, makes life easier to live without feeling like it's trying to kill me.

[Kendall]

to me, it's letting go of control
control stifles, is protective, tries to be superior, and is a bit overbearing
Lack of authenticity; one doesn't laugh much, takes oneself overly serious
Living on a pedestal of (expression: put on a pedestal) or above everyone else

Once the control is gone, the real emerges
the real and true is good and bad
but at least one feels natural and spontaneous
more effortless and free flowing
less puffed up and more down to earth

real and out-of-control, spontaneous

[JulieBlair]

to me, it's letting go of control
control stifles, is protective, tries to be superior, and is a bit overbearing
Lack of authenticity; one doesn't laugh much, takes oneself overly serious
Living on a pedestal of (expression: put on a pedestal) or above everyone else

Once the control is gone, the real emerges
the real and true is good and bad
but at least one feels natural and spontaneous
more effortless and free flowing
less puffed up and more down to earth

real and out-of-control, spontaneous

Beautifully put.  I think that recovering spontaneity is one of the true gifts.  I hadn't realized how bound up I was trying to live my life within the expectations that I set as boundaries until I finally walked on the ocean beach in a two piece swimsuit and a sarong.  Completely spontaneous, and completely free.

Julie

[Asche]

I'm inclined to think that "authenticity" means different things in different circumstances.

Right now, for me, authenticity means being my whole self.

It means reclaiming the pieces of myself that I discarded as not acceptable to the people who had power over me (and whose views I adopted in the hopes of surviving.)  And the pieces I locked away so those same powers couldn't torment or profane them.  And the pieces I left behind in my various flights from places suddenly become dangerous, left behind because I could not save them all and so had to pick and choose which of my children/selves/shards to save and which to abandon.

[JulieBlair]

I'm inclined to think that "authenticity" means different things in different circumstances.

Right now, for me, authenticity means being my whole self.

It means reclaiming the pieces of myself that I discarded as not acceptable to the people who had power over me (and whose views I adopted in the hopes of surviving.)  And the pieces I locked away so those same powers couldn't torment or profane them.  And the pieces I left behind in my various flights from places suddenly become dangerous, left behind because I could not save them all and so had to pick and choose which of my children/selves/shards to save and which to abandon.

Ashe,
As you often do, you have hit on something fundamental.  Choice is integral to an authentic life.  We must constantly triage ourselves, and constantly forgive ourselves from our own mistakes.  I reread this entire thread this afternoon.  Some of the authors are no longer participating.  It is not a sadness, it is a choice and I know that they thrive.  What to retain?  What to discard?  Today I retain these thoughts.
Peace,
Julie

[Satinjoy]

Standing up for and living out your truth, from the core, living a life worthy of living, harming no one, taking crap from no one, and loving unconditionally from the guts, if that is who you are in your core.  Authenticity is genuineness, transparency, courage, life, throwing away masks and daring the status quo to be who you are, not who peer pressure or fear says you are, but living true, being the whole of who you are, without reservation.  Only if another will be harmed will I back off, only if it causes pain or fear, but there will be learning and explanations and gentle nudges towards acceptance if that is needed, until a new understanding is reached, and bigotry or peer pressure is no longer tolerated but revealed as the evil that it is, a force of untruth, denial and damage.

But its a long process to get there, to reach this place.  It comes at a high cost, but is it worth paying?

It is if it is done right, it is not if it is driven by self.  What is driven by love endures, survives, and flourishes.

Are you driven by self?  Or by love?  By fear or courage?  By hiding or by authenticity?  By the shear force of the good of all trans or by old ideas that have outlived their time?

Blessings my dears.  My time in here is limited, it is nice to stop by.