Quote from: VeronicaLynn on June 26, 2014, 10:15:48 PM
Aisla, while I did fight the dysphoria while in denial mode, I haven't fought it non-binary mode just yet. I actually did put up a pretty good fight in denial mode, I could even get to a place where I could not have these thoughts for months sometimes. I can't really go back there now after all I've been through. I have a different tool to fight it now as well, I really just don't want to go back to dressing as a woman every chance I get, if it means every moment of free time is at home. I have been progressively making my guy mode more and more androgynous, as well, and am fairly comfortable with the slightly androgynous guy look. While fluidity has it's benefits, at this point , I am also seeing it's negatives. Not being in a position to answer the door at every given moment is just one of them...
I have to make this quick I am in a hostile environment
I have several components
mtf physical with significant dysphoric needs for the body
gender neutral core
gender fluid self expression, depending on mood and center and safety
genderqueer social expression.
All are authentic, all are real, all are components of me, pulled out through therapy and Susan's to reveal the truth of who I am
I do not fear my physical dysphoria nor progression as I have accepted fully my entire non binary nature. This is not forced, it is a discovery of the truth.
Acceptance is key. Thank you Miss Julie.
Accepting my wifes comfort zone, my own comfort zone, and the gift of where they come together as one, is the key to enduring marriage.
Then joy is to come. As to hormones, I am loaded with estrogen, without it I will go insane. It did not change my core, it did change my body, which I keep from full revelation to my wife, I hide my breasts....but other than greater emotional sensitivity it did not change who I am.
Your levels will be as per your needs. I need full mtf dosage, yet I am not going to full time transition or transition from the neck up.
So long as my wife does not perceive me as female I am ok. I have told her I am half male half female, due to birth anomaly cuased by the DES meds my mother took while I was in utero. I don't know what would work for you.
These were the keys for me.
I do not fight my dysphoria, I learn about it, understand it, steer it and run with it the same way I would race a 500 HP car, not hitting the brakes, learning where it wants to go, learning how far to push it and when to lift, and respecting all of its great power, to avoid the walls and finish the race.
Hang in there. Blessings to you. There are more in here with intact and happy marriages that are also authentic in their trans spirits.