Thanks Pucks, it is hard to see the success stories while watching my own fall apart.
As an update, things are horrible. I could never have imagined how horrible it could be, stupid me.
Every time I open my mouth it gets worse, so I've stopped opening it. After another particularly brutal conversation I realized I needed to shut up, so I wrote this for my wife:
I had to write this as it seems whenever I open my mouth it all goes wrong, that whatever I meant to say, to convey, gets all confused and slips away from me.
You said you're pining for your husband and I understand that but it also confuses me. I don't understand if it's a 'husband' you're missing or the person, the human being. Because husband is a just a word, just like wife, partner and yes, transgender. Just titles, labels.
That human being who shared all those moments with you, that person who complains they've eaten too much while reaching for the last slice of pizza, is still here, right here. And it hurts so much that you can't see me anymore. I want to scream 'look at me! See me!' But I can't because I know I have to give you time.
Maybe I can't really lay claim to the title 'husband' anymore, but I'm more than a label and I hope that one day you can put aside the labels and see me again. See that I love you, see that I'm getting things wrong through my own pain and confusion, see that I'm just a human being trying to do what I feel is right.
I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know that it will never be as bright as it should be without you by my side.
I won't try and talk about this with you anymore, I'll just wait till you're ready, if ever, to talk. I'll be waiting, for as long as it takes.
Me.
Of course I haven't given it to her, because that would probably be wrong too, all I seem capable of
right.now is getting things wrong.
I'm in a very deep, dark place right now and if it wasn't for my children keeping me tied to this earth I'm not sure what I would do. I feel like such a disgusting human being right now that I really just don't want to be here anymore. Can't see any way through this.
I'm not so much taking a day at a time, but an hour at a time.
On a happier note, one I'm clinging to, I came out to my two older children last night, 17 and 16 yrs old. Bless them, they were so supportive. My son said 'Don't worry dad, I don't think less of you, I think more' I bit my lip sooooo hard to stop from crying.
Angie, I did try to IM you but I don't seem to have that option available.
