am i obligated to tell my future husband im transgender?

[Jaz650]

So I met this wonderful guy. We are perfect, same interests, romance, we are really happy together. Now we are considering marriage... He's already told his family about me, and expect him to marry this nice Christian girl. We're both Christians. I feel nobody has the right to know, I was thought this as a child, but what if he wants kids? What if he takes me to a doctor? Will the doctors be able to tell I had the surgery?

[Cindy]

My personal opinion is that there is no obligation, however I feel that it is something you may wish to share with him. Trust is the foundation of marriage, at the very least I would tell him that you cannot become pregnant and that if you both desire a family then adoption would be the only way.

[sam79]

The number of factors that weigh up together in this... I don't know if there's a more divided issue.

While it is nobodies business but your own, I was also hope that you would be able to share something so personal with the person you plan to marry. I think it's all a matter of trust, both ways. Trusting him means opening yourself to get hurt now. But not trusting him with this means risking it all on a secret. It might stay buried, you may be able to explain not being able to carry without it coming up. But I'd hate it to surface later. It was almost certainly end that deep level of trust from him instantly, if not more.

I'm sorry to be squarely in the tell him camp, not everyone will agree. I would certainly tell my future partner. While it's a risk, I would also not wish to be with anyone who could accept me regardless of a condition I was born with.

I'm sorry that it's not easier. xx

[Jessica Merriman]

Will the doctors be able to tell I had the surgery?

Yes they will.

I'm sorry to be squarely in the tell him camp, not everyone will agree.

I agree. At the very least a future spouse deserves to know.

[gabimoneratt]

I understand why you feel like this is something yours and it isn't fair that you already got screwed by being born trans and having to take hormones and get at least one surgery done to finally be yourself on the outside.
But at the same time I personally think that there are 2 people in a relationship, and ignoring how one feels about what the other is just isn't nice(even if he has preconceived ideas of trans people and doesn't want to understand us)... not just that, but if he were to ever find out about you he'd feel betrayed, played, as if the whole relationship and marriage were a lie, a passing game to you, a "let's see how long I can fool this stupid guy" game. We understand you, I understand you, but will he? after years of marriage?    Also, is it worth living hiding a secret at all costs? Be sure to marry someone who you can feel comfortable with and that they know that what they get is what you are. Being trans is, fortunately or not, part of who we are.... if he finds this out himself things might go reeeeally bad. 
whichever way you go make sure you'll be happy in the end and safe  
good luck ^___^

[Just Ole Me]

One of the benefits of marriage is to have your life companion that knows EVERYTHING about you and loves you for you and who you are because of your journey.

Tell him if you want a true marriage.

[Nala]

I'm of the opinion that you aren't obligated to tell anyone, and it's always up to you who you do and do not tell. But I would personally tell any guy I dated before things got too serious. If they're going to reject me for being transgender anyway, then frankly they're not the sort of person that I want to waste my time on to begin with. And I would always be fearful of my partner somehow finding out if I dated someone without telling them. If someone is going to react badly, then I think it's better and safer for me that they hear it directly from me before the relationship develops, rather than having it sprung on them by some random person somewhere down the line.

[KarynMcD]

What if he takes me to a doctor?

What do you mean by this? You're not his property. He can't drag you to the doctor.

[stephaniec]

you can do what ever you want with you life , legal, illegal what ever. you have a thing called free will. I personally would want my husband to know.

[Shodan]

Are you obligated? Heck no.

Is it a good idea? Heck yes. One of the most important things in a relationship is trust. If you can't trust him with the fact that you're transgender, then your marriage is going to have problems. If you tell him and he bails on you, then the relationship would never have worked anyway. The longer you wait to tell him, the more he'll be hurt by the fact that you couldn't trust him with something so personal as that. But do you have to tell him? No.

[m1anderson]

I am not completely wrapped up in religion, although conservatively raised, am an adult agnostic. But I do know that a very wholesale belief among Christians is "Treat others kindly as you would like to be treated".

This raises your own conundrum, how would you feel if you find out deep into your relationship that your SO was hiding something significant that will appear and be very hurtful. Explaining to this SO that you cannot naturally have children with a lie would probably be in no ways fair if you are trying to be in a "good Christian relationship".

Somewhere, at some time, you will be in a situation where your past may be unveiled, living knowing that you are hiding this for a long period of your life may ultimately eat you alive.

[ImagineKate]

You are not obligated to do anything but I think it is a good idea to tell him.

As someone who has been married for 10 years, I can tell you that trust plays a huge part in the relationship. If he can't trust you about this, (which is a pretty huge thing) and he finds out, you can probably kiss the marriage goodbye.

You don't have to tell anyone that you're trans but I think you should tell your spouse.

When I told my wife I was trans she flipped upside down and the word "betrayal" was uttered so many times I lost count. We may or may not survive but even if we do, the word "betrayal" sticks. And it stings.

[ImagineKate]

What if he takes me to a doctor? Will the doctors be able to tell I had the surgery?

What do you mean by this? You're not his property. He can't drag you to the doctor.

There will be no dragging, but a lot, dare I say most people get married with the intention of becoming parents. Most people want to do it the natural way. But even if they can't just do it the natural way, a lot of people are seeking fertility treatment. This is something couples agree too, willingly. If there is resistance to this, there can be questions and mistrust as to why one partner doesn't want it done, since the tests aren't much different from a regular OB/GYN visit.

[Alexis2107]

I am not completely wrapped up in religion, although conservatively raised, am an adult agnostic. But I do know that a very wholesale belief among Christians is "Treat others kindly as you would like to be treated".

This raises your own conundrum, how would you feel if you find out deep into your relationship that your SO was hiding something significant that will appear and be very hurtful. Explaining to this SO that you cannot naturally have children with a lie would probably be in no ways fair if you are trying to be in a "good Christian relationship".

Somewhere, at some time, you will be in a situation where your past may be unveiled, living knowing that you are hiding this for a long period of your life may ultimately eat you alive.

I do agree with m1anderson here.... you really are going to have to tell him... it's a hard thing to do, trust me, I understand but it needs to be out there.  This is sort of like a test, to see where he really is.. if he is really into you, then there won't be a problem.  Adoption is always an option and this can remain just between you and him and not anyone else.  My fiance' told his family that due to medical issues (which it really kinda is), I am unable to have children and said it was up to me to tell them or not. 

I am pre op but my operation coming.. my therapist and I talked about relationships after surgery, if for whatever reason in life I become divorced or widowed and begin looking for men... I need to let them...it will create a very awkward situation if they do find out later in life.. i.e. you go to a doctors visit with them and doctor mentions something... or, god forbid you get in an accident and the doctor at hospital revels it to your spouse.... or whatever the case may be..... just food for thought.

[JennX]

Obligated?: No.

Doctors being able to tell by looking?: Depending on the skill of the surgeon, your individual anatomy, body's healing physiology... Yes & No. The few docs that have seen me down there have had zero clue. So, no they can't tell only by looking. If you are talking about DNA or Chromosomal testing, then most definitely yes.

I would most definitely let him know you are unable to have kids for whatever reason you prefer, but I would have that discussion up front and way in advance of any future plans.

[JLT1]

Wow,

This is a hard one.  If you are in one of the tightly knit Christian communities and you tell him and he rejects you there is a good possibility the entire community will know and reject you as well. 

I would suggest talking about the kid thing first and let that go for a while.  Then, if everything looks good, go for the tell.

At some point in time given our society and the flow of information, he will find out.

I'm sorry......

Hugs and Hugs and Hugs,

Jen

[Stephe]

So I met this wonderful guy. We are perfect, same interests, romance, we are really happy together. Now we are considering marriage... He's already told his family about me, and expect him to marry this nice Christian girl. We're both Christians. I feel nobody has the right to know, I was thought this as a child, but what if he wants kids? What if he takes me to a doctor? Will the doctors be able to tell I had the surgery?

This boils down to: do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you are afraid what will happen if they find out "the truth"? You will have to lie about why you can't have kids to him, you will have to be careful about him ever seeing doctors reports etc that could out you etc. or running into some one know knows you from long ago that recognizes you. And are you OK spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn't approve of people who are trans? Will you join in if he starts saying hateful/ugly things about some transgendered person he runs across in public? As in "Yeah, those people are sick".... That is what he will expect and if you don't, that could make him question you? Do you know for a fact he has strong feelings that trans people are sick/bad? If so and he finds out "the truth", that could turn very violent and usually does.

This is obviously your choice and whatever you decide, I don't feel anyone besides your future partner needs to know. And BTW you are still a nice christian girl I personally would not want to spend the rest of my life in fear of being found out and not sure that is a good basis to start out a relationship.

[noleen111]

I was in a similar boat to you...

I met a wonderful guy and we started dating, and things began to get serious.. and like you was deciding should I tell him.. as he had no idea i was born a male... I knew I could get away with not telling as
we had already had sex and all my lady bits passed.

And I eventually told him, as one night we had a serious conversation about the future and one thing he wants is kids and I felt so bad... as I cant give him children.. so i told him.. he took it quite well.. and he has accepted my past..after a long talk and i answered his questions...  and we both agreed adoption can give us kids one day.... If I could, I would have loved to have his children...

We are still together, and I feel I could spend the rest of my life with him...

[Mark3]

If my wife of 30 yrs. had kept this part of herself hidden from me and it came out one day, I'd have felt lied to and betrayed..

Maybe you should rethink your marriage plans if you don't feel you can share you soul with this guy.? That's part of what marriage is about..

[LizMarie]

I would not marry a man whom I could not tell this to. And if a man has an issue with me being trans then he's not for me, plain and simple.

You must make your own decision, but I would tell him and see what happens.