am i obligated to tell my future husband im transgender?

[Jess42]

You're not obligated to tell anyone anything. But take it from me, the past has a way of coming back and biting you in the butt. It is best to let him know or find out what he thinks about transgender subjects if you don't want it out. If he shows anykind of negativity then dump him.

But seriously though. You can do what you want but one bit of information left out will lead to lies later on. Lies about child hood, lack of childhood pictures and so on.

Like Mark said, later on if he finds out, chances are that he will feel betrayed and hurt and possibly a loss of his trust in you. Not to mention worst things that can happen.

[Jill F]

Of course there is no obligation, but would it be OK for him to keep something that big a secret from you?

[Jaz650]

Thank you everyone, I just don't know when to tell him. It's not fair, I transitioned to be a woman, but I can't live my life completely as a woman. I feel more myself with guys that don't know. I have a friend who didn't tell her husband for thirty years, and in the end he accepted her. I'm going to enjoy what's left if our relationship, before I tell him.

[Jess42]

Thank you everyone, I just don't know when to tell him. It's not fair, I transitioned to be a woman, but I can't live my life completely as a woman. I feel more myself with guys that don't know. I have a friend who didn't tell her husband for thirty years, and in the end he accepted her. I'm going to enjoy what's left if our relationship, before I tell him.

Jaz. You can't ever bet on someone else's sure thing. Like Jill asked, what if he told you down the line that he had SRS and born a genetic female? Me personally, I would feel hurt even if I had lied to him for as long as he lied to me. I would be hurt that he couldn't trust me with the biggest thing for him in his life. Which is why I would say before things got too far out of hand. Love hurts. Yeah I know a Nazerath tune, but true though. Even though it would be hipocritical and I lied to him even, it would still hurt me that he couldn't trust my love for him enough to tell me the biggest part of himself. Just like I am sure it would hurt him that I was forthright with him too.

No hon. It ain't fair in the least. You transitioned to be a woman and there are some idiots out there that will never see us as such no matter what. But there are some good guys that will and do. Life itself isn't fair. I mean you are a Christian and Christ was crucified. How fair is that? But he faced it head on though.

Truly it is a tough call on your part. But most things in life that are worth it are truly worth it. But never put yourself in harms way. Fish a little. Find out how and what he thinks of transgenders. And if the answer is something that you don't like or you find offensive, then he can never truly love you for all that you are. Yes you transitioned and are a woman but some people don't see it that way. Your friend was lucky. Some are not so lucky. But hint around. See what he thinks. If you don't like how he thinks, end it. You don't have to say anything else about it. Give some BS excuse as to why you are breaking it off. But Jaz, if he can't accept you as a woman as still being trans, then it isn't true love. No matter how much you want it to be. Just because someone is Christian doesn't mean they can't lust for another person. And there is a big difference between love and lust.

[TSJasmine]

Truthfully, when I was younger I had always thought to myself "When I'm older & have my sex change, I'm never going to tell my husband & I'll just live happily ever after." but nowadays, it's hard to think like that because my ignorance of the real world has been somewhat deluded & now I understand that it's something very big & knowing my mom she would tell him because she's stupid. Plus, what if he wants to see my baby photos? I can't just lie my whole relationship away. It might be fine in the beginning but in the end, trust is what a relationship is built on & lieing is not a good foundation for trust.

[Ms Grace]

If you don't tell him it will be a massive secret you will always be needing to keep extremely safeguarded and that can get very, very tiring and scary - one slip, or one "blast from the past" or unexpected incident could easily mean he would find out. I can pretty much guarantee you he won't take the news well. How he reacts depends on what kind of a person he really is. You should probably try to draw him out on the issue of trans people, if he gets abusive then I think you have your answer.

[ImagineKate]

Here's the other thing. You said he loves you as a Christian girl. So you're going to marry him based on a lie, whether it be a lie by omission or an outright lie. Is that right? Your signature says you need to be true to yourself before you can be true to God. Hmm yeah that's good advice if you ask me.

So here's the thing. My wife is older and has two older kids outside the marriage. We are talking 10 years older than me. But she could have easily hidden the age from me because she looks young. But she told me up front. I kind of didn't like it at first and my parents raised hell. My brother even spilled the beans to my mom. But you know what? I realized that I love her and she had more to offer me than anyone else I was with. Certainly more than my superficial certified insane ex. And I grew to love her more and more.

So anyway it's your life but you will feel much better having someone who accepts you for who you are. That's what a marriage is I think. Otherwise what's the point?

[pretty pauline]

Thank you everyone, I just don't know when to tell him. It's not fair, I transitioned to be a woman, but I can't live my life completely as a woman. I feel more myself with guys that don't know. I have a friend who didn't tell her husband for thirty years, and in the end he accepted her. I'm going to enjoy what's left if our relationship, before I tell him.

I was in a similiar situation, I dated my fiancé for nearly 18 months, he had no idea, I had a normal sexual relationship with him as a woman, all my girly bits completely passed,  but when he proposed marriage and getting engaged, I told him, he was surprised and shocked but eventually and completely accepted me as a woman, if you are considering marriage you should tell him, then you'll never have to worry about it again.
I was very nervous telling him, but I was glad I did, it was a big weight off my shoulders, we never discuss it now.

So anyway it's your life but you will feel much better having someone who accepts you for who you are. That's what a marriage is I think. Otherwise what's the point?

I fully agree with that, my husband fully and completely accepts me as a woman he got to know and fell in love with.

[Beth Andrea]

There are no obligations...only consequences. I would've told soon after the dating started.

You're a Christian...may I suggest praying on it?

Hoping for the best for both of you.

[stephaniec]

a lot of good advice

[Stephe]

It's not fair....

I would think someone born transgendered would know life isn't fair.. Of course it's not fair, and as others have said you don't have to tell him. I just know I would hate to spend the rest of my life in fear of this "secret" being discovered and trying to keep all the lies straight.

I'll give another example. I was dating a guy for a long time and he decided it wasn't important to inform me he spent ten years in jail. He had made up lies about his past to cover this up, assuming I wouldn't be able to accept this part of his past. We ended up breaking up not because he had spent time in jail, but because he lied to me, assumed I wouldn't accept him because of his past (I honestly could care less and have been thrown in jail for short periods of time myself) and the trust was broken. And this was a detail in his life compared to someone changing their gender.

[Jess42]

I would think someone born transgendered would know life isn't fair.. Of course it's not fair, and as others have said you don't have to tell him. I just know I would hate to spend the rest of my life in fear of this "secret" being discovered and trying to keep all the lies straight.

I'll give another example. I was dating a guy for a long time and he decided it wasn't important to inform me he spent ten years in jail. He had made up lies about his past to cover this up, assuming I wouldn't be able to accept this part of his past. We ended up breaking up not because he had spent time in jail, but because he lied to me, assumed I wouldn't accept him because of his past (I honestly could care less and have been thrown in jail for short periods of time myself) and the trust was broken. And this was a detail in his life compared to someone changing their gender.

I really agree. Life just plain out sux sometimes. But we aren't the only one that life isn't too. I would say life isn't fair to upwards to 90% of the population. It's just our unfairness is our lives, not necissarily consequences.

Ten years in jail? I guess it would depend what he was convicted of. But still like you said the trust issue is blown apart. If a guy couldn't trust me with that little bit of info about his life, what else can I not trust him about?

Jaz. Personally before it got any deeper I would start fishing and find out in a "what if game". "What if I were an alcoholic, would you still like me?" "If I used to be a bully, would you still like me?" Then lay it on him with something like, "What if you had dated a girl that was born a boy?" Little "games" like this ought to let you see his true character. If he says no problem then you can hit him with, "What if I were born a boy?" You can do this without telling him anything concrete about your past. So no. In my honest truthful opinion you are not obligated to tell him anything. A little "what if game" should go along way with showing you his true colors. But don;t put yourself in harm's way. But you do have an obligation to yourself to live a fullfilling happy life and if that big secret is always hanging over your head, chances are your life won't be quite as fullfilling as it should be. Just be careful and figure it out before you are too deep into it to avoid a broken heart. Or break his through a percieved betrayal.

[Foxglove]

If I were in that situation, I would absolutely have to let him know.

Not too long ago, I met a woman and we've become good friends.  She didn't know I was trans and she didn't cop on.  But I eventually told her.  Things were getting awkward.  We were becoming close and she was beginning to ask questions about my marriage, etc.  It would have been very hard to keep the truth from her, and if I'd wanted to, I'd have had to come up with some big story to cover up a lot of things.  And then I'd always have to remember what I'd told her and what I hadn't told her.  I think I'd have become a nervous wreck.  So much easier just to tell her, and if she didn't like it, she wasn't a friend anyway.  As it turned out, she had no problem with it, and so there's no pressure on me.

I can't imagine how anyone could actually marry someone and not tell them something like this.  No telling how many lies you'd have to tell--either by omission or commission.  I can't see that being a happy situation.

Besides which, I think a spouse is entitled to know.  Maybe it's not fair.  But when you're trans, lots of things are hard where other people have them easier.  Just the way it is.  I can't imagine trying to hide something like this from a spouse.

[ImagineKate]

I can't imagine how anyone could actually marry someone and not tell them something like this.  No telling how many lies you'd have to tell--either by omission or commission.  I can't see that being a happy situation.

Me neither. But I can see why some are tempted to go "stealth all the way" because they want to be treated like a woman, and not a trans woman. I don't like the lying to your partner bit though, even if it's lying by omission. And I think it would be a rather difficult thing to do to remain stealth with the person you sleep with every night... not to mention, how the heck do you explain dilation?

[Jaz650]

Me neither. But I can see why some are tempted to go "stealth all the way" because they want to be treated like a woman, and not a trans woman. I don't like the lying to your partner bit though, even if it's lying by omission. And I think it would be a rather difficult thing to do to remain stealth with the person you sleep with every night... not to mention, how the heck do you explain dilation?

I dated a wonderful young man for two years that never knew. I love being a biological woman in peoples' eyes. They treat me like me. I deserve to have a husband and children. It's not my fault I was born in this freakin body... I'm going to let things flow naturally.

[JLT1]

I've known a couple who have pulled it off.   You have to believe that you are biological woman.  Never lie.  Just don't talk about the past.   Leave it dead.

Hugs

Jen

[ImagineKate]

I dated a wonderful young man for two years that never knew. I love being a biological woman in peoples' eyes. They treat me like me. I deserve to have a husband and children. It's not my fault I was born in this freakin body... I'm going to let things flow naturally.

Well, ultimately it is your life. If that's what makes you happy, and if that's what you want to do (it seems as though it is) then good for you.

[Susan522]

I dated a wonderful young man for two years that never knew. I love being a biological woman in peoples' eyes. They treat me like me. I deserve to have a husband and children. It's not my fault I was born in this freakin body... I'm going to let things flow naturally.

I agree that this is your wisest course of action.  While my experience may or may not have any relevance to you, I will share it just in case, (FWIW).  My first husband of ten years never knew.  My second husband never knew until after our divorce.  I told my third before we got married and he married me anyway.  I also told my current husband about six months into a highly sexual relationship after it became apparent to the both of us that things had evolved into something greater than just great sex.  We ultimately married and have been together almost 15 years.

My advice to you is to play it by ear.  If it feels like the real thing, then I think that you owe it to yourself to put all your cards on the table and go for broke.  If it was meant to be, you'll be fine.  If not, there is always the next guy.

[Jess42]

I dated a wonderful young man for two years that never knew. I love being a biological woman in peoples' eyes. They treat me like me. I deserve to have a husband and children. It's not my fault I was born in this freakin body... I'm going to let things flow naturally.

You know Jaz, I don't even think in terms of biological male or female. Yeah it's there and a fact of life, but who you are too is also a fact of life. Love is a wonderful thing and really not to be taken too lightly. Especially if you believe it's true love. Boy meets girl and boy and girl fall for one another and so on. There are no fairytales. Love is way more than just caring about someone or thinking of them being your world and your theirs. The most meaningful relationships I have ever been in have been the ones where there were no secrets between us. We were vulnerable to one another and trusted one another with our vulnerabilities. Ok so I am trans. I am a woman if not by biology then through psychology. Someone that loves you will treat you the way you want to be treated and no less. They will see you as a woman and nothing more. They will treat you like a woman and nothing less. If they truly love you. If I was in the same set of circumstances as you, you pass extremely well it seems, no I wouldn't tell anyone else, wouldn't care about anyone else but I would be so afraid of being found out especially after I had fallen hard for someone. OK so I'm trans. If I met the most perfect guy and fell hard for him and ten years down the road he told me that he was a transman, I would be crushed. Not because he is a trans but because he didn't think enough of my love for him to trust me with that part of himself. Same way with a transwoman that I may fall for. I lay it all on the line for love. I want the extreme intimacy, I want to feel vulnerable and be able to trust that person with all of who, not just who I want to be or let them see. I am just like the way I want my true love to be and trust me with his or her vulnerabilities. It adds a whole different deeper level to the true meaning of love. Regardless, I know you are young and I was young once and I was really foolish once and lost the one true love that I have ever known because of fear of extreme intimacy or vulnerability because all this was present, but a fear of commitment. Yes he was little older but I was of legal age, I was 18 and he was 32.

On a lighter note though. Personally I wouldn't want to keep that secret about myself. As you can tell, I talk too much and I would definitely end up letting it out. But love without trust. I seriously doubt I could keep my mouth shut long enough to even keep something from them that big about myself. If you are having fun and just doing things that I would do, which you probably wouldn't from some of your posts and deep beliefs, that is fine. But believe me love can go way deeper than happily ever after and little white picket fences if you can give your lover all of your heart and soul and trust them with both.

[pretty pauline]

how the heck do you explain dilation?

I don't have to explain, my husband is my dilator, but he knows my history.

I've known a couple who have pulled it off.   You have to believe that you are biological woman.  Never lie.  Just don't talk about the past.   Leave it dead.

I fully agree Jen,  we don't discuss my past, I'm a woman with a past which we just don't talk about, we leave it dead.