am i obligated to tell my future husband im transgender?

[karina13]

Here's a question for those saying they should not let potential spouses know - what if you manage to get by without revealing your secret, you adopt children, and then... one of those kids turns out to be trans.

Imagine that for a moment. If your spouse could not handle you being trans, how will they handle a child being trans? Will you stay with your spouse even as they demean and deny your child's identity?

I know this is an unlikely scenario but think about it even still. Will you stand there as your husband and his friends make jokes about she-males, ->-bleeped-<-s, and men in dresses? Why would you marry someone like that anyway?

If your love cannot survive you being trans, is it really love?

+1

I think whether or not it's an unlikely scenario is irrelevant. You brought up a wise point that makes people think again.  Truth is, it could happen to anyone... And I agree, why would you get involved in a long-term relationship with a partner that can't appreciate what you've overcome to get to where you are now, or that has such a demeaning attitude toward trans*folk? If they don't like it, they don't need me in their life, and I don't need them in my life.

[Marcellow]

This thread pops up a lot & honestly, f**k that. I'm not gonna tell my husband :p Whyyy would he need to know? like..., yolo..?

Because if he finds out, the marriage, no matter how long it lasted, can go up in smoke in a matter of seconds if it turns out he can't handle it.

[Auroramarianna]

I understand why you're suffering. It can be a real pain. We transitioned to be ourselves finally, yet have the past haunting us. Still, no matter how difficult it may be, I would want my husband to know. Simply because I can't hide something so major in my life and that has shaped the way I am. Why would I marry someone who wouldn't accept for who I am? That goes for anything really. If we want an honest relationship, we must first and foremost be honest with ourselves.

[Jess42]

Here's a question for those saying they should not let potential spouses know - what if you manage to get by without revealing your secret, you adopt children, and then... one of those kids turns out to be trans.

Imagine that for a moment. If your spouse could not handle you being trans, how will they handle a child being trans? Will you stay with your spouse even as they demean and deny your child's identity?

I know this is an unlikely scenario but think about it even still. Will you stand there as your husband and his friends make jokes about she-males, ->-bleeped-<-s, and men in dresses? Why would you marry someone like that anyway?

1 Cor: 4-8
If your love cannot survive you being trans, is it really love?

Exactly. I know there are people out there but I can't ever even dream of someone treating a child like that. I know it happens though with genetic children even. And that is sad and pitiful on the parent's part. What ever happened to unconditional love?

[Susan522]

I agree this is an excellent thread and very relevant for those planning on/hoping to develop a long term lasting relationship in a traditional M/F marriage.

When I was young and met my first husband, I had just spent the past few years establishing my life and confidence as a woman.  At the time, I saw his proposal for marriage as just the next step in my evolution to normalcy.  I saw no reason to upset the proverbial applecart.  In retrospect, hindsight, I now see my expectations to have been youthfully naïve.  Good looks, great sex and lots of money are not the keys to a lasting, loving, long term relationship.  My medical history never came up.  The reasons for my dissatisfaction with the marriage was the lack of that deep personal connection, (on all levels), that for me, was essential.

This was pretty much the same reason at the root of what caused my waling away from my second ten year marriage although in this case, I believe it was my underestimating the extent of my husbands drinking problem that allowed for that crucial inability to form that needed bond.  Again, my history never came up.

In an effort to "come clean" about "everything" about me and my past, I did bring up my medical history, (now more than twenty years in the past), when my third husband proposed to me.  I think that his response is  very relevant to this discussion.  What he said to me was, "Your past, is long past and does not matter to me.  You are a woman now, and I love you.  That is all that matters."  I think what is relevant is that what he perceived me to be, was in fact who/what I was. That "issue" never came up again.

That marriage was short lived for reasons not relevant to this discussion, but essentially it was that same lack intimate personal/spiritual(?) connection that I needed to make things work for me.

I met my current husband of almost fifteen years just after the turning of the second millennium.  I had little inkling that what was initially little more than just a highly satisfying sexual relationship would evolve into that long sought after, uniquely human, closeness that we now share.  Did I tell him?  Yes I did.  I told him after we had both come to the realization that we had both finally stumbled upon that most precious of gems.  The unconditional love of another human being.  His learning of my past changed nothing.  We continue to share a deep and abiding love for each other and our life together and....an active and rewarding sex life.

Yes. Life is good.  Getting here was not easy, but neither was it impossibly hard.  All it really took was simple hard work, focus, persistence and determination.

[DanielleA]

I wouldn't be too worried. I would just take him aside later and tell him that if our 'trans daughter' heard what he was saying that it could emotionally hurt her and to be a little careful on what he says. Calling ->-bleeped-<- jokes might be his way of venting frustration over the issue. And I guess it is ok... As for him handling our child being trans, he won't be attracted to her so it isn't a judgement on his manliness and changing aspects of his attitude wil be a little easier. Besides he also adopted our child so he needs to work things out too. Even if he finds the whole trans thing difficult, he can still be respectful. If marrying him , I would because our relationship would be based on more than TG stuff.

1 Cor: 4-8
If your love cannot survive you being trans, is it really love?

Our love would have no basis on trans. As I am a woman first and formost. If he disapproves of transpeople and yet loves me, then he sees me as female only and that is what I need.

[ImagineKate]

I wouldn't be too worried. I would just take him aside later and tell him that if our 'trans daughter' heard what he was saying that it could emotionally hurt her and to be a little careful on what he says. Calling ->-bleeped-<- jokes might be his way of venting frustration over the issue. And I guess it is ok... As for him handling our child being trans, he won't be attracted to her so it isn't a judgement on his manliness and changing aspects of his attitude wil be a little easier. Besides he also adopted our child so he needs to work things out too. Even if he finds the whole trans thing difficult, he can still be respectful. If marrying him , I would because our relationship would be based on more than TG stuff.

1 Cor: 4-8
If your love cannot survive you being trans, is it really love?

Our love would have no basis on trans. As I am a woman first and formost. If he disapproves of transpeople and yet loves me, then he sees me as female only and that is what I need.

What if he sees trans women as not being real women? Would you want to marry someone like that, who in reality doesn't love what you really are?

[Jess42]

What if he sees trans women as not being real women? Would you want to marry someone like that, who in reality doesn't love what you really are?

I know this wasn't quoted from me but feel I need to but my two cents in. No. Who I love I love everything about them even the parts I may not be so keen to, but I accept those things and love the person for who they are. I would hope they could do the same to me. That is real love. Could be why the divorce rate in the US is nearly 50% too. Because people fall in love with an image and not the true person with all the ugly facts of life known. Well between that and infidelity too.

[Susan522]

What if he sees trans women as not being real women? Would you want to marry someone like that, who in reality doesn't love what you really are?

Perhaps you are mixing up or equating two different concepts.  You refer to 'trans' women and 'real' women.  Just by using those two different qualifiers or adjectives, you are positing a difference.  I am not arguing this point with you, as I agree, there are differences.

I guess the nuance here lies in just how you define 'trans'.  I realize that this is a contentious area but one which IMO, needs to be addressed if one is to move on to your second question, "...what you really are".

As was asked in another thread; "Is there a point where/at which, one ceases to be trans?"

[mrs izzy]

Perhaps you are mixing up or equating two different concepts.  You refer to 'trans' women and 'real' women.  Just by using those two different qualifiers or adjectives, you are positing a difference.  I am not arguing this point with you, as I agree, there are differences.

I guess the nuance here lies in just how you define 'trans'.  I realize that this is a contentious area but one which IMO, needs to be addressed if one is to move on to your second question, "...what you really are".

As was asked in another thread; "Is there a point where/at which, one ceases to be trans?"

Just watch where everyone goes with this thinking. It is held as a opinion and should be referenced as such.

Some hold exception to that fact and causes distress.

Tread lightly.

[Sandy74]

I am nobody even close to being an expert on relationships but I would be perfectly honest with him and if he wants kids and you tell him you can't have them he will want to know why not. If he truly loves you be will understand and if he doesn't then it wasn't meant to be. Just my two cents.

[Jess42]

"...what you really are".

I'm just me. If someone loves me, they love me for the good, the bad and the ugly. they will love me trans or cis and treat me the way I want to be treated and see me as I see myself. Same when I love someone. I have yet to meet one person that was perfect in the true sense of the word. Perfect for me oh yeah. But if I'm not perfect for them then they really aren't perfect for me. This is just me but I donlt take love lightly and it takes me a while to even be able to say it. Oh I can feel it for sure. But saying it is kind of like going all in playing cards. Almost like coming out of the closet. Once you are out then no way you can go back and once you say those three powerful words there is no talking them back.

[Soozn93]

whoa.  I saw this and just HAD to throw in my two cents.  I won't go into my past qualifications, but I am well versed in things transgender.  Welcome to the ultimate conundrum.  This is the point where we will ALWAYS be transgenders.  I once heard a horrifying news story from Texas.  When the fiance found out, he sued under the legal theory of "transsexual fraud" to recover a college education expense and a new car.  I never heard the outcome or the clarification on point of law.  Here are some things to think about.  V.A. doc tells me that I need prostrate exams (I'm 67, veteran, and 21 years post-op).  An old acquaintence has (horrors) prostrate cancer that went undetected for some time.  Later in life, kids are not as much an issue, but younger T's have to deal with the issue. There is no easy answer and lying your way into a marriage will come back at you out of some unforseen direction.  My 2 cents......it is infinitely better to tell him now than to have to tell him after he has invested so much in you.  I often refer to it as the "golden cage".  It is a hell of your own making as the lie goes on and on and on........If he is truly a wonderful guy he will need time to think, but he might just stay with you.  It just happened here in the bay area and it was such a relief for all involved that he was accepting.  Best of luck to you.   

[stephaniec]

I don't know, I only know that as a human being you can do what ever you can possibly conceive of doing,  but if I was the SO I think just out of a sense off fair consideration I'd be greatly appreciative if my partner wanted to be on that depth  of a level of a relationship with me.

[ImagineKate]

Perhaps you are mixing up or equating two different concepts.  You refer to 'trans' women and 'real' women.  Just by using those two different qualifiers or adjectives, you are positing a difference.  I am not arguing this point with you, as I agree, there are differences.

I guess the nuance here lies in just how you define 'trans'.  I realize that this is a contentious area but one which IMO, needs to be addressed if one is to move on to your second question, "...what you really are".

As was asked in another thread; "Is there a point where/at which, one ceases to be trans?"

It is not me defining anything. I am pointing out what society views us and cis women as.

Absolutely there is a difference between trans and cis. However you and I and many other enlightened people consider trans and cis women to be "real" women. But reality is that many also don't consider trans and cis women to be equal. And my contention is that if you marry someone who believes the latter rather than the former, are you really marrying someone who loves you? Or are you marrying someone who loves a façade? I am absolutely NOT saying simply being trans is a façade but non disclosure absolutely is.

Is there a point where someone ceases to be trans? I don't really think so. Yes, "trans" is a journey but at the end of the journey you will still have the miles logged and the start point.

I have a good comparison - I am a naturalized U.S. citizen. I was not born an American Citizen. But I am one now. Should people view me as just a citizen? Absolutely. However I cannot run for President and I will have to disclose it to certain people. Does it bother me? Kind of. Do people treat me a bit differently? Some do but most people do not. More importantly some people will NEVER see me as a "real" American. Do I want them in my life? Absolutely not. I have no time for such losers. I think being trans is similar. You were not born in your affirmed gender. That is reality. Some people will always view you for your past and not your present or future. In the case of your life partner you do not want to take the chance that they wanted someone who was born a certain way and they realized that they did not marry who they want. And no, no one else has to know but them, just like I show my passport as proof of citizenship instead of my naturalization certificate.

[Lostkitten]

The whole, to explain who you are, be accepted and whether to tell your future husband or not; Just be you. Don't make a big deal of it. The bigger you make it the bigger they see it.

I notice(d) that people who live life as being trans and stand in it very casually have the least issues. That isn't because they have less issues but because they make less issues.

Back to Jaz though, could you tell how everything goes? I hope it goes well for you ^^. Just don't worry about it too much. I know that is easier said than done but you are you and should be proud of who you are. Even if you were born in a somewhat handicapped body. If he would suddenly change his mind (which I doubt) then he is narrow minded and insecure. That is not your fault.

[Ataraxia]

I don't think you're obligated to per se. The thing is though, if he's your husband, he's going to find out sooner or later, and you have to consider how he's going to react when he finds out. If he's an open minded type he might not care, but he still might be disappointed that he didn't find it out from you first.

[Susan522]

It is not me defining anything. I am pointing out what society views us and cis women as.

Absolutely there is a difference between trans and cis. However you and I and many other enlightened people consider trans and cis women to be "real" women. But reality is that many also don't consider trans and cis women to be equal. And my contention is that if you marry someone who believes the latter rather than the former, are you really marrying someone who loves you? Or are you marrying someone who loves a façade? I am absolutely NOT saying simply being trans is a façade but non disclosure absolutely is.

Is there a point where someone ceases to be trans? I don't really think so. Yes, "trans" is a journey but at the end of the journey you will still have the miles logged and the start point.

I have a good comparison - I am a naturalized U.S. citizen. I was not born an American Citizen. But I am one now. Should people view me as just a citizen? Absolutely. However I cannot run for President and I will have to disclose it to certain people. Does it bother me? Kind of. Do people treat me a bit differently? Some do but most people do not. More importantly some people will NEVER see me as a "real" American. Do I want them in my life? Absolutely not. I have no time for such losers. I think being trans is similar. You were not born in your affirmed gender. That is reality. Some people will always view you for your past and not your present or future. In the case of your life partner you do not want to take the chance that they wanted someone who was born a certain way and they realized that they did not marry who they want. And no, no one else has to know but them, just like I show my passport as proof of citizenship instead of my naturalization certificate.

Thank you for such a well thought out and articulated response.   You have clearly and succinctly articulated those issues that, IMHO, are at the heart of this discussion.

First:  We agree that yes, there are real and significant differences between those who were actually born female with all the right parts and with a neurology to match, and those whose parts did not match.  And yes while those physical mismatches can be successfully addressed, there will always be differences.  As you noted, these differences may, or may not, be of significance to a potential life partner.

As to the second question, "Is there a point where someone ceases to be trans?"...I hold a different opinion, and here is why.  I do not see transition as a never ending journey.  Yes, one's life - my life - can be seen as a journey.  It can also be seen as a learning/growing experience.  In fact, it can be perceived/described in any number of ways.  That of course is a large and complicated topic unrelated to this post and ultimately it is up to the individual just how they perceive/describe their own life.  For many, it could easily be perceived/described as a 'living hell'.

I do not see transition as a journey.  I see it as a process of changing, "transitioning", certain aspects of our bodies, and ultimately our actual "selves", to be congruent with whom we perceive/understand ourselves to be.  There was another thread here on this forum where tat issued was raised and in my opinion, adequately addressed.  Many of those who commented saw the end of their transition as that point when they started living full time.  Others saw SRS as the "end".

I am unable to actually pinpoint that time or event that marked 'The End' for me.  I do know that it is long past and long forgotten.  Of course this does not preclude those times when I have to see my MD to renew my Rx scripts, and obviously I am here discussing these issues and experiences, but in terms of my Real Life, away from this Cyper-world, my past has no relevance whatsoever.

This is why I seem to be constantly haranguing people on just what does it mean to be "trans"?  Based on what I have seen/read in many of these forums, the feeling seems to be that "trans" should be seen as some protected minority population of those who do not conforms to society's gender norms.  If this is in fact the case, perhaps that is why it is so difficult for those of us who do accept those norms, to "identify" as trans*.

[Stephe]

I have a good comparison - I am a naturalized U.S. citizen. I was not born an American Citizen. But I am one now. Should people view me as just a citizen? Absolutely. However I cannot run for President and I will have to disclose it to certain people. Does it bother me? Kind of. Do people treat me a bit differently? Some do but most people do not. More importantly some people will NEVER see me as a "real" American. Do I want them in my life? Absolutely not. I have no time for such losers. I think being trans is similar. You were not born in your affirmed gender. That is reality. Some people will always view you for your past and not your present or future.

That is a great analogy. And while I do feel transition "ends" for many people, we really are a sum of our past experiences. I know personally I am way past the point where I "feel transgendered". In the circle of friends/people I interact with, I'm just "one of the girls", which was my goal. Most do know my past and they don't seem to treat me any differently because of it.

I do know some people who never really transition, they live "trans", all their friends are trans, they live for their bi-weekly supports groups (plural) and all they ever talk about is trans related stuff. That isn't a place I have any interest in being. "Trans" to me was the period of time I spent between genders.

So I guess I feel there are two parts to this, the transition period and simply the fact I was born in a male body but am a woman. I can't change my past. I'm not proud nor ashamed of it. It just is what it is and I'm not going to spend a lot of effort trying to hide it. I never sold girl scout cookies etc and I'm not going to make up stuff that never happened in some attempt to hide it.

[laura.cornwell.779]

I know a perfectly passable girl who's male partner of ten years never was told by her. He found out, end of relationship.