To Wait Or To Date (Trauma And Aftermath) [trigger warning]

[lindagrl]

A few weeks ago i had my first date with a guy i have known slightly for many years, we are neighbors.
He came over for a drink and chat and we ended up going to his place and we were pretty much all over each other,
but i stopped him before we went all the way, asking please just next time ok, to which he agreed.
Was really happy with how it had gone, so when he knocked on the door a couple of weeks later
(it will be one month ago tomorrow) i was very excited but shy and nervous also.
Again we went to his place, he served me drinks and after a while wanted to take me to the pub.
i don´t remember much after that, but the few glimpses i do remember were frankly horrifying.
He had spiked my drink, i can´t even describe what i remember here because it upsets me so
but suffice to say from what i can figure, he spent about 3 hours abusing me roughly.

For two weeks i was a total wreck, crying 100 times a day, absolutely broken.
i thank god i had my darling wife´s shoulder to cry on but could tell no one else.
i joined a rape survivors page and that really helped me, but i still felt i could
not be totally open there as i am one of the very few trans members.

i contacted a therapist and he was kind enough to give me an hour with him the next day.
Did not even sleep that night, just waited for the clock to tick closer to 11.30 am.
Am so glad i went to him and not some other, he was wonderful, caring and gentle
and the thing i liked so much and i think about often is that when i told him everything
about me he immediately changed my booking to a trans woman named Linda
and for the rest of the session called me by my name a few times. So sweet of him.
Am going again in one week and really i can´t wait.
i want to show him how far i have come in the short time, because really i do feel much better,
although once in a while i get restless or down for no apparent reason.

My therapist asked me during the session what i want to do now and i answered that my instinct
tells me to find a good guy to date very quickly so i could learn to trust men again.
This is where i am at today, not knowing what to do, should i date or should i wait?
i just don´t know, but as the weeks pass i am getting more wary of men and i don´t like that,
i want to trust in the good in people, not always suspecting the worst but alas..
Am really scared of seeing the neighbor guy again, he has made sure that our paths don´t cross,
but every time i leave the house i have to pass by his door and heart sinks every time.

A week ago i wrote this poem and posted it on the survivor page,
it describes pretty well how i was still feeling then.

Done

for three weeks now i only frown, you did me
my life has turned upside down,  you did me
today i am trying hard to cope,  you did me
sometimes i think of giving up hope,  you did me
can´t understand or comprehend, you did me
why i am going around the bend, you did me
it wasn´t like i would have said no, you did me
why couldn´t we just take it slow, you did me
i think about you every day, you did me
i wish there was some other way, you did me
i am so confused and empty inside, you did me
if i see you come i will run and hide, you did me
and the next time that i meet a man, you did me
i will suspect that he has a nasty plan, you did me
can´t tell my friends, can´t tell my dad, you did me
why i act so weird and feel so bad, you did me
all messed up and nowhere to run, you did me
was just beginning but now i am done,

you did me

People i am not expecting you to come up with any answers for me,
it´s just i want to share with like minded souls where i am coming from and where i am at now.
Any thoughts you might have are very welcome, don´t hesitate.
And sisters, i don´t want to frighten you, but please be more careful than i was,
pour your own drinks for one thing.

[Ms Grace]

I am deeply sorry to hear that you were abused - it sounds like you are trying to work through your feelings about it which is great but living near him must be very difficult. Take care of yourself, hugs.

[MelissaAnn]

(((HUG))) I am so sorry for you, sweetie. It really is good to see you working on this problem with the therapist. We are just like any other female out there. We have to be cautious and on guard all the time. Be patient, when you are comfortable, you will know when you're  ready. I would take baby steps going forward and not rush right into another relationship. You need time to build trust backup, take it slow and steady. There are more good people out there than bad. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and may the Angels always look upon you and guide you on your path.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

[Susan522]

I am very sorry to hear of your terrible experience.  I want to thank you for sharing this awful time in that it should serve as a warning, not only to all women, but especially those of you going through transition and even for those of you who have completed this life altering process.

Just a few years after my full recovery from SRS, I came home from work to find three men in my apartment.  I was quickly over powered and raped by all three, so yes...I know from direct experience what a soul searing experience this came be.  This is how I dealt with it.

The first thing that I did as I cried and screamed out my anger, pain and rage in the shower was to make a solemn promise t myself.  I promised myself that first of all I would get through this and...I would not allow this to ruin my life or to poison my future relationships with men.   I cannot overstate the importance of this conscious decision to get beyond this and heal.

The next thing that I did, is to sell and/or give away everything I owned and left town.  Difficult you say?  Just a bit extreme?  Perhaps.  Nevertheless it worked.  I am happy and whole.  That particularly ugly time in my life is long forgotten and has not negatively impacted my life in anyway except to make me more aware of my surroundings and if most definitely caused my to re-think and adjust the rather high risk life style that I had engaged in during my younger years.

[lindagrl]

Ms Grace and Melissa, hugs to you my sisters and ty.
Am going to give myself some time, baby steps sounds about right.
Susan, thank you so much for telling me how you dealt with it,
i will follow your example, i am going to get better, i will get over this,
i will not let this ruin my future. Hugs

Wow i am happy to be here
linda

[Susan522]

This is where i am at today, not knowing what to do, should i date or should i wait?
i just don´t know, but as the weeks pass i am getting more wary of men and i don´t like that,

Now to this other matter, this is something that I cannot speak to from direct experience as I did not "date" anybody prior to my complete recovery from SRS.  Nevertheless my feelings are these which admittedly might err to the side of caution.

My thoughts are that men in that 17-30+ age group can be extremely horny.  Some can be excessively selfish and self centered and your neighbor sounds like that.   Any man that stoops to using "roofies" to satisfy his carnal needs is a serious low-life and a loser.

If there is any chance that this creep might come back for "seconds", I would call the cops with no further hesitation.  Are there any witnesses to what appears to be a classic "date-rape"?  If you do call te cops, be sure to have an LGBT friendly lawyer or advocate at your side.

[lindagrl]

Now to this other matter, this is something that I cannot speak to from direct experience as I did not "date" anybody prior to my complete recovery from SRS.  Nevertheless my feelings are these which admittedly might err to the side of caution.

My thoughts are that men in that 17-30+ age group can be extremely horny.  Some can be excessively selfish and self centered and your neighbor sounds like that.   Any man that stoops to using "roofies" to satisfy his carnal needs is a serious low-life and a loser.

If there is any chance that this creep might come back for "seconds", I would call the cops with no further hesitation.  Are there any witnesses to what appears to be a classic "date-rape"?  If you do call te cops, be sure to have an LGBT friendly lawyer or advocate at your side.

My wife and i are both scared of him and dread meeting him face to face again.
i mustered up enough courage to go back to the pub and inquire when a female bartender
i remembered from the bar would be on duty. Had to wait 5 days for that and when i walked
in there, the pub was full of regulars watching football.  Every guy in that room just stared at me,
i told myself it was because i am feminine, but feared it might be that they remember me from that night.
The bar lady was as helpful as she could be, she remembered me and told me we had had a couple
of beers and one shot each and left about an hour after arriving there.
It was 5am when i left his place unstable and in a fog, so that´s how i figured out how long he used me.

i don´t know Susan, i have no real evidence, apart from a shattered soul and a ruptured vein
just below my right knee.
i thank the stars that he was too drunk to do what he wanted most, but that did not stop him
using his fingers or enjoying hurting me, which he clearly did.
If he bothers me or so much as gives my wife a side glance, i will call the cops
because i don´t want to do anything bad.
i think he is afraid now, or at least i like to think so.
My therapist and my wife suggest that if i don´t want to go to the cops,
the next time i see him i should pretend to not remember anything and tell
him that i am taking a break from dating for a while.
i really don´t want to deal with this, but i know i will have to.

Oh it was date rape alright,
my hands are trembling just writing about it.

Hugs
linda

[Susan522]

Again.  All I can suggest is that you get as far away from this as possible.  Having this guy for a neighbor or hanging out at the same pub is not something that I would do in that it will serve as a constant reminder and a toxic and continual irritant to a raw wound which needs healing.

[lindagrl]

i don´t have the option at this time to move house, but in a couple of years perhaps and in the meantime i am going
to have to find a way of coping with having him for a neighbor.  i am actually angrier at myself than at him, i know that
does not make any sense to most, but you understand that Susan.
i never go to that neighborhood bar, or any bar and so that is not an issue.

i just want to say thank you to the moderators for allowing me to open up about this
and to my generous sisters Ms Grace, Melissa and you Susan for replying and comforting me,
i really really appreciate that. As i get more confident here i want to give as well as receive.

hugs and smiles
linda